Who?: All lady gnomes and all lady humans who are uglier than me. No boys allowed unless they’re stripping.

What?: A Celebration of King Jerry finally proposing to me and making me queen of all gnomekind.

When?: Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

Where?: Vegas, baby. Vegas. We’ll start the party at the Gnomecino Casino and bar hop from there.

Why?:Because you’ve probably never been to a gnome bachelorette party before.

What to wear?: As little as possible. I plan to slut it up for one night and one night only, so you should too.

What to bring?: Gifts for me consisting of jewelry, handbags, spa treatment gift cards, and lots of cash to buy me shots.

No need to RSVP. I have no doubt you’ll all be there. There’s no way you’d have anything more important going on that partying with your future queen.

Xoxo,
Tabitha, Queen Gnome in Training

I’d like to inform all you gnomes out there reading this that there is a flower named after us!

Pretty, eh? It’s called the Pink Gnome Rose and according to eh Landsburg Landscape Nursery, is a “compact rose with a tight round habit, the lovely pink buds open to display tiny pretty pink cup shaped flowers with white centers that cover the plant all season long; wonderfully disease resistant and low maintenance.”

It grows about 18 inches tall and spreads about 24 inches wide. The Pink Gnome Rose needs direct sunlight and when well cared for, can life for about 20 years.

Gardening site, HelpMeFind, says that our flower was first bred by Ping Lim and Martin Nemko in the United States in 1995.

Magnificent!

Let us all grow Pink Gnome Rosse in our gardens to celebrate ourselves!

Beautifying our Abode….one narcissistic plant at a time,
The Book of Genesis, The Gnome

One of our gnomes made a post yesterday with casual mention of gnomes being able to wash themselves. This comment has sparked a lot of conversation about gnomes and hygiene ever since.

Gnomes aren’t generally known for having good hygiene. We spend most of our time outdoors, bathe sporadically, and have never found deodorant particularly appealing.

So to combat these negative (and mostly true) stereotypes, King Jerry has appointed a “health and wellness specialist” and commanded him to open a gnome spa.

I haven’t personally met him yet, but from afar, he smells like watermelon. It’s kinda nice.

Rumor has it that he’ll soon be posting a list of spa treatments with pricing. Oooo….I hope there’s pedicures….my toenails are way skanky.

Yours in skankiness,
Alfredo The Gnome

We recently welcomed a new gnome, Lurleen Lumpkin Who Sits on a Pumpkin, to The Abode. And to properly welcome her, we served up some amazing ice cream WITH PUMPKIN AND VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kamikaze and I were put in charge of watching the ice cream maker. I did not object to this assignment whatsoever because of what was actually brewing inside that glorious machine.

INGREDIENTS 
1 cup PUMPKIN (scooped out of a real pumpkin)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cup firmly baked packed brown sugar
5 egg yolks
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp salt
pinch of nutmeg
1 cup VODKA

Waiting for that blasted machine to finish up was like torture. I wanted to dive into that spinny thing so badly. But alas, I had some restraint.

But in the end, oh was it ever worth it! Drunk off ice cream! What an amazing feeling it is!

We were so drunk that the resident monkeys even convinced us to share it them. The fattest one took two bowls, which pissed some gnomes off. They got over it though. Drunk monkeys are actually pretty hilarious…who knew.

So yes….welcome Lurleen! If your company brings us more boozy ice cream, then we are destined to be the best of friends!

Yours in ice cream headaches & hangovers,
Phillip The Gnome

In case you weren’t aware, we gnomes LOVE Halloween! In fact, we’re practically obsessed with it and in an unhealthy way.

Just like humans, gnome celebrate Halloween in different ways. Tabitha celebrates Halloween by collecting, carving, and posing with a many pumpkins as possible. Check out the little one on her shoulder! Awwww….how cute, right?!

Other gnomes take a more gory approach to Halloween. Check out the Lady of Mt. Goom with her glass skull vile full of blood. I know she’s supposed to be an oracle or something, but she just creeps me the hell out.

Speaking of creeped out, apparently there’s a new zombie gnome on the loose in The Abode. One of them rose from the dead last week and well, here we go again! Ugh they’re so disgusting…

Still other gnomes go a simpler route to celebrate. Pictured here is Fernando LeBeef (The Gnome Abode’s bathroom attendant) with his Halloween glow-in-the-dark hand soap. Personally, I’m not so sure about glow-in-the-dark soap. Could glowing gnome skin really be safe?!

Other gnomes see Halloween as an opportunity to broaden their social circle and make new friends. Pictured here is Humps making his introduction to a bizarre skeleton creature who dances to the hokey pokey. I don’t understand it. You’ll have to ask Humps about this one, okay?

And last but certainly not least, here’s how I celebrate Halloween! By dressing up in costumes! I LOVE COSTUMES! You may remember my pink bunny costume and my yellow raincoat costume from my profile pics. Well it’s witch time, bitches!!!

We have many more preparations to take care of before the 31st, but we are well on our way to make this the most spooktacular Halloween these gnomes have ever seen!

Stay tuned for more creepy stuff,
Alfredo the Gnome

P.S. – Send us candy.