Monthly Archives: August 2012

Could “gnome porn” be the hottest new literary trend?

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I took a “mental health” day from the diner today think I’ve stumbled upon the hottest new literary trend….gnome porn!

Let me take a step back. Running a diner has run me ragged the past few weeks. After begging and pleading with my boyfriend, Humps, (Boyfriend. Boyfriend? Is he my boyfriend? Shit. I dunno. Do I even like him anymore? Eh. Moving on!) he hired a couple new employees so I don’t have pull those nasty 21 hour shifts anymore.

I don’t know why I’m bothering to work, really. Jobs are kinda lame. Dude gnomes just buy stuff for me because, well…you know. I think I just like the diner because it’s named after me.

Roxy’s Diner. Has a nice ring, doesn’t it?

Anyway it’s my day off and I’m not gonna think about that place today.

My new BFF is this hot lizard chick who just started bartending at The Gnomecino. She has a ton of tattoos and I’m totally inspired to get tatted up myself. Just trying to decide on a design and where I want it.

Suggestions, anyone?

Anyway, she loaned me a book to read today and told me that I’d love it. I was like, a book? Reading? LAME! But she’s like uh uh girlfriend, it’s gnome porn….just check it out, bitch.

So this morning I ran a bubble bath, set a box of wine next to the tub, and opened the (gah) book. It’s called Gnome on the Range, by Jennifer Zane.

Holy crap, Jennifer…I’m still in the tub, my delicate gnome skin is super wrinkly, I’m turned on, and the room is spinning. Here’s what other gnome porn fans have to say about the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Gnome-On-The-Range-ebook/product-reviews/B006QQRH3A/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

I’m over two thirds done with the book and plan to stay in the bath til I’m done. I don’t read fast, but the words aren’t that big so it’s all gooooood.

Those lizard ladies sure do know their shit.

Ahhhhhhhh,

Roxy The Gnome

A Sneak Peek at Sheldon’s Post-Bar-Fight Medical Records!

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Sheldon still won’t tell us the whole story about how he broke his legs off in Texas. All we know here at The Abode is that he got into a bar fight in Austin and came home totally botched up!

Sheldon fans all over the world have been unable to dry their tears of disbelief and concern.

I passed out last night beside the mailbox after a steady helping of rum and cokes. and just woke up to find our friendly Postal Gnome delivering today’s mail. Hmmm hmmm hmmm….well what do we have here…..Sheldon’s records from Seton Medical Center?!

Time out? Well don’t mind if I do! The gnome community never signed off on HIPAA.

Apparently gnomes don’t read good in Texas, so instead of written medical recordsthey do ’em in pictures.

That silly bastard brother of mine can make anything look like a fun adventure….even tragic de-leg-atation! Just look at him with posing with this bed pan, for example!

That’s a lot of tubes and crap all for one little gnome….where do they stick them all?

These photo records don’t shed a whole lot of light on the incidents that led up to his Texan hospitalization, but they do provide excellent blackmail material!

The only non-paralyzed Rumplesphincter brother,

Maurice, The Gnome