ZOOS ARE AN ATROCITY AND MUST ALL BE SHUT DOWN!
We must free poor defenseless creatures from the bars that prevent them from a quality lifestyle!
Join me in helping animals find their true environment!
What? Oh. Who am I you ask? I guess I am new around here, so that’s a logical question. My name is Ramón LeBeef and I’m a Spanish-French animal rights activist. I’ve been fighting for the rights of animals ever since my momma was poisoned by cheap packaged noodles and my daddy was trampled by an rogue bovine.
It recently came to my attention that there are countless animals being held captive in and around The Gnome Abode.
Residents of The Gnome Abode: I do not blame you for being ignorant. It’s not necessarily your fault that you are being cruel and inhumane! I am here to teach you the animal kingdom’s ways of humility and righteousness. Sit back and relax because none of you are getting arrested just yet!
I simply want to inform you of my cause and invite you to join me so that you DON’T get arrested for your inappropriate behaviors.
Here’s me freeing a defenseless goat from its pen. Look how it automatically takes a liking to me! This is how animals treat gnomes that treat them right!
This is me breaking a beautiful zebra out of confinement. These magnificent beasts belong in the open plains of Africa, roaming free. Although I released this zebra around the corner of Clark and Division, I’m sure it’ll make its way back to African someday!
Here I am freeing a lovely colorful bird from its cage. Birds are the easiest animals to free because once you pull out the hard core negotiating skills and convince them to fly away, then away they go!
Now this is a sad tale. These hippos were so mistreated that they turned to bronze. It’s a little known fact that mistreatment inherently leads to bronzing over time. Ever see someone who looks unnaturally tan? They’re probably being mistreated.
I enlisted the help of Peso the Monkey (our mom’s are distant cousins) to help me rescue a mother and baby hippo. They are still thawing out in our high-temperature incubator right now, but we do expect a full recovery.
Email me at or reply to this post for more details on how you can stop being an asshole to animals. I’d rather see animals roaming free on the dangerous highway than confined in the safety of a zoo. And you should too.
May the fight ignite inside you,
Ramón LeBeef, The Gnome
I haven’t personally met him yet, but from afar, he smells like watermelon. It’s kinda nice.
