Gnomes and Hygiene


One of our gnomes made a post yesterday with casual mention of gnomes being able to wash themselves. This comment has sparked a lot of conversation about gnomes and hygiene ever since.

Gnomes aren’t generally known for having good hygiene. We spend most of our time outdoors, bathe sporadically, and have never found deodorant particularly appealing.

So to combat these negative (and mostly true) stereotypes, King Jerry has appointed a “health and wellness specialist” and commanded him to open a gnome spa.

I haven’t personally met him yet, but from afar, he smells like watermelon. It’s kinda nice.

Rumor has it that he’ll soon be posting a list of spa treatments with pricing. Oooo….I hope there’s pedicures….my toenails are way skanky.

Yours in skankiness,
Alfredo The Gnome

A Garden Gnome Theme Park? In Germany!?


Surely, a field trip to Germany is in order!

It has recently come to our attention that there is an garden gnome theme park in Trusetal, Central Germany. According to,

“The Garden Gnome Theme Park with more than 2,000 garden gnomes is visited by more than 100,000 people each year.”

Here’s a shot of some of our distant relatives living in the theme park. Looks like the conditions are pretty crowded, don’t you think? Silly Germans never learn.

Look! Gnomes over there are drunk just like us! Chug-a-lug, buddy!

And this is a shot of some German chick, Birgit Leinhas, cleaning one of the gnomes in the park.


Your new field trip coordinator,
Seamus The Gnome

As Halloween Approaches, More Gnombie Hunters Hired


Halloween is almost a week away, and you know what that means……threats of more Gnombie attacks!

Gnombies like this one,

And this one,

Are popping up all over the Gnome Abode in recent days.

Therefore a new chick gnombie hunter has been hired and she’s SUPER HOT!

Hellooooooo lil’ Latin lover, if I do say so myself!

And she’s a family gal too! Check out her adorable baby girl.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget to check out her tits.

So on behalf of the residents of The Gnome Abode, I’d like to extend a warm welcome our new hunter and her shiny zombie killing gun. We’re putting our faith in you to get us through the next week with minimal blood splatter.

Hold on tight to your brains,
Benjamin, The Gnome

Pumpkin ice cream…with vodka!?!


We recently welcomed a new gnome, Lurleen Lumpkin Who Sits on a Pumpkin, to The Abode. And to properly welcome her, we served up some amazing ice cream WITH PUMPKIN AND VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kamikaze and I were put in charge of watching the ice cream maker. I did not object to this assignment whatsoever because of what was actually brewing inside that glorious machine.

1 cup PUMPKIN (scooped out of a real pumpkin)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cup firmly baked packed brown sugar
5 egg yolks
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp salt
pinch of nutmeg
1 cup VODKA

Waiting for that blasted machine to finish up was like torture. I wanted to dive into that spinny thing so badly. But alas, I had some restraint.

But in the end, oh was it ever worth it! Drunk off ice cream! What an amazing feeling it is!

We were so drunk that the resident monkeys even convinced us to share it them. The fattest one took two bowls, which pissed some gnomes off. They got over it though. Drunk monkeys are actually pretty hilarious…who knew.

So yes….welcome Lurleen! If your company brings us more boozy ice cream, then we are destined to be the best of friends!

Yours in ice cream headaches & hangovers,
Phillip The Gnome

Ramón LeBeef: The Gnome Abode’s Animal Right’s Activist



We must free poor defenseless creatures from the bars that prevent them from a quality lifestyle!

Join me in helping animals find their true environment!

What? Oh. Who am I you ask? I guess I am new around here, so that’s a logical question. My name is Ramón LeBeef and I’m a Spanish-French animal rights activist. I’ve been fighting for the rights of animals ever since my momma was poisoned by cheap packaged noodles and my daddy was trampled by an rogue bovine.

It recently came to my attention that there are countless animals being held captive in and around The Gnome Abode.

Residents of The Gnome Abode: I do not blame you for being ignorant. It’s not necessarily your fault that you are being cruel and inhumane! I am here to teach you the animal kingdom’s ways of humility and righteousness. Sit back and relax because none of you are getting arrested just yet!

I simply want to inform you of my cause and invite you to join me so that you DON’T get arrested for your inappropriate behaviors.

Here’s me freeing a defenseless goat from its pen. Look how it automatically takes a liking to me! This is how animals treat gnomes that treat them right!

This is me breaking a beautiful zebra out of confinement. These magnificent beasts belong in the open plains of Africa, roaming free. Although I released this zebra around the corner of Clark and Division, I’m sure it’ll make its way back to African someday!

Here I am freeing a lovely colorful bird from its cage. Birds are the easiest animals to free because once you pull out the hard core negotiating skills and convince them to fly away, then away they go!

Now this is a sad tale. These hippos were so mistreated that they turned to bronze. It’s a little known fact that mistreatment inherently leads to bronzing over time. Ever see someone who looks unnaturally tan? They’re probably being mistreated.

I enlisted the help of Peso the Monkey (our mom’s are distant cousins) to help me rescue a mother and baby hippo. They are still thawing out in our high-temperature incubator right now, but we do expect a full recovery.

Email me at or reply to this post for more details on how you can stop being an asshole to animals. I’d rather see animals roaming free on the dangerous highway than confined in the safety of a zoo. And you should too.

May the fight ignite inside you,
Ramón LeBeef, The Gnome