We gnomes generally steer clear of that human abomination called “McDonald’s”. However, once a year we make an exception.

This is that time of year.

This is the time for Shamrock Shakes.

As you can see, the guys and I pooled our pocket change together and split one today. The shakes are HUGE and taller than pretty much all of us.

As we sipped the green sludge, some of the little wise guys started to chatter about  the origin and true meaning of the Shamrock Shake. This chatter provoked an ongoing investigation.

Thanks to Wikipedia, we learned that Shamrock Shakes started making the world (well, at least America, Canada, and Ireland) a better place in 1970. In 1980,  the Shamrock Sundae was introduced.

What was that all about, you ask? It was basically vanilla ice cream topped with a mint green Shamrock syrup. Sadly, the sundae was discontinued after one year due to poor sales. That sucks. I bet it was awesome.

Each time you scarf down a Shamrock Shake, you’re packing on 530 calories, 11 grams of protein, 15 grams of fat, 86 grams of carbs, and 160 mg of sodium. We gnomes are perpetually fat, so we’re not really concerned with nutrition facts though.

The shamrock chatter continued with the wee ones and questions were risen about the various forms of mint. There’s peppermint, spearmint, and probably other kinds of mint that I can’t think of right now.

Do different kinds of mint come from different species of mint leaves? Or do artificial additives contribute to the different varieties of mint taste?

These are questions best left for their very own dedicated blog post.

I leave you with these questions now so I can get back to my portion of the green goo before it melts.

Sluuuuuuuuurp,
Dumbledore the Gnome

Today started out just like every other day. I got up, ate some grits, and combed my beard. I was disrupted from my routine by the sounds of sawing and obscure machinery. It must be the new neighbors, I thought.

The neighbors always seemed a little off.  They moved in last weekend, but this is the first weird noise that I’ve heard downstairs. Not that I’m being racist, but they are from Egypt after all. Even though we’re freezing our balls off, they refuse to wear shoes or shirts. I have no idea how they ever get any service.

I guess I just wanted to make sure everything was okay down there. More than anything I was just curious to see what was going on on the floor below me. They have no windows, but I was able to peek through a tiny mouse hole at the floor board.

This is what I saw. I’m not exactly sure what it is that I saw, but I do know that I saw it.

Medieval torture? Kinky rituals? Ancient mummification?

Your guess is as good as mine. I got the hell out of there as quickly as possible. I figured if I was spotted, I might be next on their table!

I’m submitting a complaint to King Jerry The Gnome today about these new mummy neighbors. This does not feel like  a safe place for gnomes anymore and we were here first!

Still shaking with fear but in a pissed off kinda way,
Dumblebore The Gnome

Over the weekend, the St. Cloud Times recently reported that Albany High School hosted a Knowledge Bowl. Kinda lame, right?

WRONG!

You know why? Because garden gnomes were awarded to the winners as trophies!

PREPOSTEROUS!

The article reported that “Members of 62 teams from around Central Minnesota competed, first in a 60-question written round, followed by four 45-question oral rounds, where three teams per room competed against each other to answer questions covering a variety of academic subjects. Teams were playing for the coveted Gnome Awards, trophies shaped like garden gnomes.”

Gnome awards? I’d like to know exactly how many questions those bratty kids answered correctly that had anything to do with gnomes. Anything, whatsoever! I bet my bum that all of the questions were related to pop culture or mathematics or literature.

WE ARE NOT TROPHIES! WE ARE LIVING, BREATHING SOULS WORTHY OF LOVE AND ADMIRATION!

Shame on you. Shame, shame on you.
Dumblebore The Gnome