About Dumblebore

dumble2I’m Horace’s little brother. You probably know him, but you’ve probably never heard of me. Such is life. He calls me dumb and a bore. Hence my nickname. I can’t remember my real name.

However, I provide an important service to The Gnome Abode. I’m the gnomish grave digger. C’mon, we live a long time, but you didn’t expect us to live forever, did you?!

I had a Shamrock Shake today…


We gnomes generally steer clear of that human abomination called “McDonald’s”. However, once a year we make an exception.

This is that time of year.

This is the time for Shamrock Shakes.

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As you can see, the guys and I pooled our pocket change together and split one today. The shakes are HUGE and taller than pretty much all of us.

As we sipped the green sludge, some of the little wise guys started to chatter about  the origin and true meaning of the Shamrock Shake. This chatter provoked an ongoing investigation.

Thanks to Wikipedia, we learned that Shamrock Shakes started making the world (well, at least America, Canada, and Ireland) a better place in 1970. In 1980,  the Shamrock Sundae was introduced.

What was that all about, you ask? It was basically vanilla ice cream topped with a mint green Shamrock syrup. Sadly, the sundae was discontinued after one year due to poor sales. That sucks. I bet it was awesome.

Each time you scarf down a Shamrock Shake, you’re packing on 530 calories, 11 grams of protein, 15 grams of fat, 86 grams of carbs, and 160 mg of sodium. We gnomes are perpetually fat, so we’re not really concerned with nutrition facts though.

The shamrock chatter continued with the wee ones and questions were risen about the various forms of mint. There’s peppermint, spearmint, and probably other kinds of mint that I can’t think of right now.

Do different kinds of mint come from different species of mint leaves? Or do artificial additives contribute to the different varieties of mint taste?

These are questions best left for their very own dedicated blog post.

I leave you with these questions now so I can get back to my portion of the green goo before it melts.

Dumbledore the Gnome

The Book of Mormon Mentions GNOMES!!!


Last night, I had the pleasure of becoming just a tad more cultured AND religiously biased. At the same time! A couple of the guys and I went to see the musical, The Book of Mormon, and it was truly spectacular!


However, the most spectacular thing about wasn’t the clever verses or the choreographed dancing. IT WAS THAT A SHOUT OUT WAS GIVEN TO US GNOMES!!!

Don’t believe me? Here’s a link to one of the very first songs in the performance, “Two by Two”. Scroll over to time mark 1:07 to be amazed:  http://youtu.be/Hgubhr119io

BOO YEAH! Told ya!!!

Here’s how the most awesome part of that song goes:

Elders, form a line and step forward when your name is called. Elder Young.

Yes, sir.

Your mission brother will be… Elder Grant.

That’s  me. Hey, brother!

And your mission location is… Norway.

Oh wow,  Norway: land of gnomes and trolls!

Hold up. Wait a minute. Noway is the land of gnomes? We don’t even know any gnomes in Norway! England, Australia, Germany, USA….sure! But Norway?!

And trolls too!!! Why are those bastards always lurking around where we are?!

Mormon-bookI do believe this shall need to be the subject matter of an entirely separate blog post. We must conduct research about how our cousins over there are dealing with the nasty ass trolls and all those vikings. A Norwegian investigation must commence ASAP! A call to arms, gnomes….not hands, ARMS!

Until then, I’ll keep humming the catchy tunes from the performance and sliding across the kitchen linoleum pretending I can dance. I’m not gonna say that I’ve converted to Mormonism at all, but then again…our gnome prophet, EvanGelical, is still trying to get us started with our very own gnomish church. (Psst….hey buddy, how’s that going anyway?) I guess I’ll hold out for that.

Besides, I’m not convinced that the actual “holy” book mentions gnomes even a single time. I dare you to prove me wrong.

Yours in Joseph Smith-ness,
Dumblebore The (slightly more cultured) Gnome

Neighborly Mummification


Today started out just like every other day. I got up, ate some grits, and combed my beard. I was disrupted from my routine by the sounds of sawing and obscure machinery. It must be the new neighbors, I thought.

The neighbors always seemed a little off.  They moved in last weekend, but this is the first weird noise that I’ve heard downstairs. Not that I’m being racist, but they are from Egypt after all. Even though we’re freezing our balls off, they refuse to wear shoes or shirts. I have no idea how they ever get any service.


I guess I just wanted to make sure everything was okay down there. More than anything I was just curious to see what was going on on the floor below me. They have no windows, but I was able to peek through a tiny mouse hole at the floor board.

This is what I saw. I’m not exactly sure what it is that I saw, but I do know that I saw it.


Medieval torture? Kinky rituals? Ancient mummification?

Your guess is as good as mine. I got the hell out of there as quickly as possible. I figured if I was spotted, I might be next on their table!

I’m submitting a complaint to King Jerry The Gnome today about these new mummy neighbors. This does not feel like  a safe place for gnomes anymore and we were here first!

Still shaking with fear but in a pissed off kinda way,
Dumblebore The Gnome

Hey Minnesota High Schoolers…gnomes are NOT trophies!


Over the weekend, the St. Cloud Times recently reported that Albany High School hosted a Knowledge Bowl. Kinda lame, right?


You know why? Because garden gnomes were awarded to the winners as trophies!


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The article reported that “Members of 62 teams from around Central Minnesota competed, first in a 60-question written round, followed by four 45-question oral rounds, where three teams per room competed against each other to answer questions covering a variety of academic subjects. Teams were playing for the coveted Gnome Awards, trophies shaped like garden gnomes.”


Gnome awards? I’d like to know exactly how many questions those bratty kids answered correctly that had anything to do with gnomes. Anything, whatsoever! I bet my bum that all of the questions were related to pop culture or mathematics or literature.


Shame on you. Shame, shame on you.
Dumblebore The Gnome