Author Archives: EvanGelical

About EvanGelical

There has been a call for a gnome religion. I am here to answer that call. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Evan Gelical, The Gnome.

I used to be just like you…ordinary, simple-minded, lost. After a spiritual pilgrimage to the Shawnee National Forest, I have discovered that I am actually a religious prophet!

Join Us TODAY For a Gnomish Spiritual Awakening!

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Listen up, my fellow gnomes. Your spiritual leader is speaking to you in an ominous voice.

Today is the day you’ve been waiting your whole lives for. A gnomish spiritual awakening is just around the corner and YOU are invited!

There are just a few things to keep in mind as you journey from a meaningless petty existence to a transcendent and enlightened state of peace and beauty…

  • church
  • All gnomes are welcome and accepted at the awakening. If you don’t like someone next to you, keep it to yourself because I don’t care.
  • This is not (I REPEAT, NOT) a spin off of any human religion. Those are dumb. This is the real deal.
  • No chewing gum during the awakening. It annoys me greatly.
  • When the Gnomish Lord and Savior tells you to drink a beer, drink a beer. No questions asked.

So alright! With those strict rules and regulations out of the way, let’s get this party started! Here’s the details:

  • WHO: You! That’s why you’re reading this. Dur dur dur.
  • WHAT: The very first gnomish spiritual awakening ceremony.
  • WHEN: Today at 3:00pm
  • WHERE: The Gnome Abode (newly redesigned) Temple. Google map it.
  • WHY: Because there is more to life than mindlessly going about your daily routines and you deserve to find purpose deep within your pointy hat.

I look forwarding to bringing you one step closer to a better version of you! See you at 3!

Your gnomish spiritual leader,
EvanGelical The Gnome

EvanGelical Discovers Gnomish Lord and Savior

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I have seen the light!

This image appeared to me in a magnificent dream I had last night after passing out from a rum binge. The enormous glowing gnome said to me,

“Hey Evan! I know you’re trying to start up a gnome religion and all and that’s cool, man. I thought I’d help point you in the right direction.

 

Read over my shoulder, why dontcha. This here glowing book lists the most important tenets of the gnome religion, for which you are destined to be a prophet.

These are the lines that I read over the glowing gnome’s shoulder:

  1. Thou shalt form religious principles from conscience, thinking and life’s experiences as a gnome.
  2. Thou shalt support freedom of religious thought among gnomes.
  3. Thou shalt consult honor nature to find peace and meaning in life as a gnome.
  4. Thou shalt consume copious amount of alcohol with other gnomes for the purposes of achieving enlightenment.

I’m pretty sure there were other “thou shalts” as well, but I got so excited that I stopped reading and ran out into the streets to proclaim the word of the gnomish lord and savior.

Crap. I forgot to ask that guy’s name. Does he go by “God” like most of the deities out there? Or does he go by something a tad more creative? Hmm. Must find out. *updates to-do list*

I found a couple sources from past gnome prophets that claim to help gnomes find spirituality, but I say they’re all rubbish. You can read for yourself! I’m not here to hide anything….I’m here to point out why the past prophets sucked and why I am the most awesome prophet so far!http://gnomopedia.comli.com/wiki/index.php/Gnome_religion
http://redtide.wikidot.com/gnome-religion

Human Christmas might be over, but the spiritual awakening of the gnomes is just beginning! I have some emails out to property managers about renting worship space. Stay tuned for my upcoming spiritual quest schedule!

Yours in light, truth, and drunken enlightenment.
EvanGelical The Prophet Gnome

Evan Gelical Creates New Gnome Religion

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There has been a call for a gnome religion. I am here to answer that call. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Evan Gelical, The Gnome.

I used to be just like you…ordinary, simple-minded, lost. After a spiritual pilgrimage to the Shawnee National Forest, I have discovered that I am actually a religious prophet!

What is a spiritual pilgrimage, you ask? Good question! A pilgrimage is a life-changing and spiritually invigorating experience, typically involving a journey to a holy site to perform a set of rites.

Before my journey, I consulted Beliefnet, which gave me 10 tips on how to perform a spiritual pilgrimage. Oh you want me to share them with you? Well okay then…sure!

1. Choose your destination

2. Declare your intention to go

3. Prepare physically

4. Prepare mentally

5. Inform family and friends

6. Keep realistic expectations of your journey

7. Give yourself up to your pilgrimage

8. Deal with reality upon your return

9. Keep the momentum going with moderation

10. Revisit your pilgrimage from home

What did I do on MY pilgrimage? Another good question!

Well, I walked a lot. I mean, A LOT. I carried around huge backpack and a creature-catching net for protection. I endured torrential downpours of rain, death-defying wind storms, and the gloom of night.

I ate a lot of wild mushrooms. I engaged in ancient hanging rituals involving a noose and a tree. I sweat profusely. I eliminated all toxins from my body to allow the spirits of the enchanted forest to enter my veins.

I became exhausted. I didn’t eat or drink for days…not even beer. The hair of my beard started to fall out. My eyesight faded to black. I couldn’t stop crying.

I screamed into the nothingness above me until I heard something scream back at me. The voice that returned my call was terrifying. The voice told me that gnomes have a great and meaningful purpose in this life and there is an immediate need for a spiritual leader in gnomish society.

I don’t remember much after hearing these words. Apparently, some hunters found me unconscious and I woke up in GGH (Gnome General Hospital). I’m stuck here for a few days while under observation, so I’m sketching out a few religious tenets to distribute to you all in a pamphlet.

Stay tuned to find the path to spiritual enlightenment and a life of fulfillment and meaning!

Oh hey nurse, could I get some more applesauce, please?

Your highly-anticipated gnomish spiritual leader,
Evan Gelical, The Gnome