I am the Master and Goddess of All Gnome-kind.
Exciting stuff in here you DON’T wanna miss! Oh and yeah, there’s a couple articles in here from yours truly 🙂
http://www.gnomereserve.co.uk/club/
On behalf of my beloved drunk gnomes,
Gnomeplaya
I would like to introduce everyone back at The Abode to our newest member. We rescued him from the confines of hippie consumerism from an Austin stop called Monkey See Monkey Do. AWESOME shop by the way. MONKEYS would have loved it!
This plush gnome who remains nameless at this time was found by us on a random backshelf all alone and slightly deformed. His moustache had come unglued and he was the only of his kind. The sales guy said he was meant to put a kleenex box inside him and pull tissues through his mouth. We will let him decide how he wants to live his life from this moment forward.
Sheldon and the new dude from Texas
I won!!!
Due to the large population of gnomes currently residing in the The Gnome Abode, Gnomeplaya conducted a contest, in which the prize would be a coveted invitation to join in Jeep Acquisition Day. We each were given a small slip of paper and asked to guess the number of hairs growing upon Gnomplaya’s head.
My guess was 102,318. The correct answer was 102,321. Since we were playing by Price is Right rules, I won and hopped into the front seat Saturday morning for a road trip to Indianapolis.
Indiana seemed really strange and dangerous. Nothing like The Gnome Abode. I suggested that everyone buckle up and make no direct eye contact with locals. When I won the invitation, I didn’t realize that I would be sharing the backseat with a grumpy lizard and a hyperactive monkey. But what else am I really going to do on a Saturday, anyway? I’ve been stuck holding this broom for years and I don’t even like sweeping!
The Jeep was purchased and a photo shoot ensued! My favorite part of the Jeep was the back spare tire. I slipped into a daydream about going for joy rides on the back tire and feeling the smelly Indiana breeze flowing through my unwashed beard. Ahhh…
After a few moments, I snapped out of my daydream and got to work. I completed a three page clipboard inspection of the Jeep’s interior and exterior and I came across this tiny gnome sitting on the front of the Jeep!
Who is he? What is he doing here? Is he an integral part to structure of the Jeep? What is his purpose? I can’t find anything about a gnome-part in the instruction manual!
I need to get to the bottom of this….
Gnome News Daily
Reported by: Gnomeplaya
9:29 p.m. CDT, April 18, 2012
RURAL GNOME ABODE REGION – Countless miniature gnomes were injured in a horrific automobile accident that occurred at approximately 8:24 p.m. next to the railroad tracks at the intersection of Mushroomhead Boulevard and Smokestack Lane.
*That graphic image was intended only for mature audiences, so if you’re immature then yeah…sucks to be you.*
The driver of the Gnomemobile, who has been identified as Morgan Freeman, was reportedly transporting an unidentified number of miniature gnomes from the “wrong side of the tracks” to the “right side of the tracks”. It is not clear what the “right side of the tracks” had to offer, as interviews of the survivors have not yet been conducted. The names of the miniature gnomes have not yet been released, but their families are scheduled to be notified about the condition of their loved one by certified mail next week or so.
The names of the driver and passenger of the orange Jeep have not yet been released by the GPD. All we know at this point is that one of them was a knight and the other one was a midget. Both individuals appeared to be incredibly intoxicated when approached at the accident scene. However, these allegations have not yet been verified since toxicology reports are still pending.
GPD Chief, Fatty McGoo, issued the following statement:
“This is an ongoing investigation and we will provide you media whores more details as they become available. At this time, it is unclear why the driver of the orange Jeep was in such a hurry. It is also unclear why Mr. Freeman was carrying six times the legal limit of gnomes in his truck bed. And finally, it is unclear how many gnomes are injured because there’s just too damn many of them to keep track of. So why dontcha piss off and the GPD get to the bottom of this mess.”
Reporting live from the accident scene, this is Gnomeplaya signing off until that guy is less cranky and more informative.
All of our hearts at Gnome News Daily go out to the victims and pray that your families have time between the hours of 9 to 5 to pick up your certified letter at the post office and discover if your loved one has suffered an untimely demise.
JUST IN! Clear your calendars and cancel all your plans!
The latest and greatest all-gnome band is going on tour! Don’t miss the tour kick-off date April 1st at the Cow Palace in San Fran. (Shout out to GnomeCow for the terrific tour poster! HOLLA!)
Stay tuned to meet the steamy, dreamy members of Amish Meth Lab and to keep up with the latest tour bus shenanigans while hitting the road towards a venue near you.
