I’m sure you’re all just dying to know how my rock climbing training program has been going. Well, as with any professional athlete like myself, there are always minor setbacks.

I snuck inside a crack in the sliding glass door, logged online and ordered (Yes, I have my own credit card. Sheesh) these training thingies that all the big shots say are essential to anyone serious getting into top physical climbing condition.

Rock-like thingies to hang from

I tried them out last night for the first time by hanging them on a low branch of a nearby bush in backyard. I can kind of hang on them, but then what? Am I supposed to do a pull-up or something? Suggestions welcome! The the minion gnomes around me saw them hanging from the bush and decided they would be fun to use as swings. The little ones fit inside the hand holds and totally threw off my chi.

This morning, I overheard a conversation between our Master and her Man-Friend last night about taking a rock climbing trip out to Yosemite National Park. I NEED TO JOIN THEM. I think this is my destiny.  They CAN’T leave me behind! So it is time to get back to training. My first order of business is to climb over this back yard wall. My second order of business is to climb Yosemite.

I hung this poster up on this wretched wall I am trying to conquer. It inspires me.

Gnome on a 5.10a

If there are any other gnome climbers (like this buff guy with the suitcase…who are you???), I’d love to hear from you. I’m trying not to get discouraged. But I fear that if my skills are not up to par within 2 weeks, Master and Man-Friend will leave me behind, as I would surely slow down their amazing climbing skills. Sigh. Back to those hanging thingies that I don’t know what to do with.

These walls. These walls are closing in around me. I have got to get out of this hellish backyard full of all of these stupid gnomes going about their stupid days.

My shrink said I have a moderate form of social anxiety and tossed some Zoloft my way. But the only doctor that would accept my insurance plan was a human and those crazy pills we’re as big as my foot! There is no way in heck I’m putting my foot in my mouth. Well literally anyway. Figuratively, well that’s pretty much a daily occurrence.

I have never been the least bit athletic, but this morning I read the most interesting article. Little Joey accidentally left a copy of DPM Magazine on the lawn chair back here.There were all sorts of amazing photos of amazing athletes scaling huge walls of rock and stone.

The article that appealed to me the most was about this guy, Andrew, who is a midget (a real freaking midget!) who taught himself to rock climb despite his tiny size. He had custom made climbing shoes and aeasiness made and seems to be making a documentary abouthis accomplishments.

If a midget can rock climb, why not a gnome?!

These walls that confine me to this stupid widow’s garden definitely are tall. But not impossibly tall. Could I learn how to rock climb? Could rock  climbing be the key to my freedom? Can a gnome like me find peace and solitude all because of a magazine article?

Time for me to do some research about gear and training programs. I will keep you updated. I’ve never felt such hopefulness!

Climber wannabe,

Horace the Gnome