About Leonardo

I am the alcoholic that puts all other alcoholics to shame. I will be providing a good number of brew reviews….well at least until this crazy Administrator/Master/Goddess lady gives us a budget to start hiring staff.

If you can’t find me here, I’m probably in a gutter somewhere. It’s not like I have anything else do to.

PS – I tend to have a steady stash of mushrooms in my back pocket…..I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

Chug a lug,



All Hail the Gnome Ranger!

“The tale of how seven gnomes came to live at Wolverley’s Bodenham Arboretum has been made into a book to raise funds for Children in Need.
The BodenGnomes, written by Davy Turner, the BodenGnome Ranger, will be launched at the arboretum on Easter Monday – April 1 – and will be on sale throughout this year’s BodenGnome Gnome Hunt.
RangerMr Turner, 59, who works at the arboretum, said: “The book is an original history of where they came from, how they came to the arboretum and why they are called the BodenGnomes.

It will be the third year the gnome hunt has been held at the arboretum in Wolverley. Visitors are given clues to the location of the woodland creatures, each of which carries a letter that, together, spell the name of a place.

Mr Turner added: “It just kicked off as a Children in Need thing but families loved them. About 250 people did the hunt last year.”
A percentage of sales of the book, which contains photographs taken around the arboretum, will be donated to Children in Need.

If it proves successful, Mr Turner plans to write other stories of the BodenGnomes’ adventures.
The hunt itself does not restart until the summer but some of the gnomes will be at the book launch.
Mr. Turner added: “There will be a couple of gnomes hiding that day. I’ll be there as the Gnome Ranger too.”


***We never thought we really needed to be “ranged,” but Turner sounds like an alright dude. RANGE AWAY!

Leonardo The Gnome

Brewing Up Some Tasty Goodness


Think there’s enough amazing gnome-themed beers out there?


Not a chance!

From time to time (okay fine….MOST of the time) we turn The Gnome Abode into a brewery and make our very own special brews. Here’s what is in the works:

  1. Chocolate Milk Stout – Drinkable 2/21/13
  2. Maple Nut Ale – Drinkable on 3/8/13
  3. Cherry Wheat Ale – Drinkable 4/28/13
  4. Belgian Tripel – Drinkable 5/2/13


Brewing is a tough gig. It takes a lot of precise measurements and careful sanitation….both of which are difficult to maintain when drunk. But if they aren’t maintained, the beer will taste like crap! Life is rough, man.

To solve this age-old problem, we have decided to take shifts. Each brewer gnome has taken a vow of periodic sobriety and promised to not be drunk for two hours each day. This may not sound like much to you, but to drunk gnomes….it feels like an eternity. I’m on my two hour sobriety shift right now. I’ve checked all the buckets already so killing time on the blog and whatnot.

Whoop look at the time…..shift’s almost over so I gotta run. We look forward to sharing our brews with you in the months ahead!

Leonardo, Head Gnome Brewer


Peruvian Princess Provokes Conversation About Interracial Dating


Although The Gnome Abode residents are primarily gnomes, we receive government funding because are an equal opportunity housing unit approved by the Gnomal Housing Authority (GHA). Therefore, we are required to provide space for the occasional non-gnome resident and make them feel as welcome as possible. In this specific instance, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

The Gnome Abode Housing Council (GAHC) would like to welcome our newest resident….Peruvian Princess, Yma Sumac!

Miss Sumac is a recent immigrant from Peru, she has pigtails, and she is HOTTT! Brothers, Hear No Gnome and Speak No Gnome were the first to introduce themselves and present her with a mushroom gift offering.

It didn’t take long for word of the foreign little hottie to spread around The Abode. Gnomes or otherwise, we don’t get a lot of chicks moving in here so this is a really exciting time for all of our libidos.

Due to the shortage of female gnomes around The Abode, our guys have become more open minded about the prospects of interracial dating. I asked some of the guys in the above shot for their opinions on the matter…


“I’d totally do her.” ~ Hear No Gnome

“*Grunt*. *Snort*. *High-pitched squeal*” ~ Speak No Gnome

She’s puuurdy. Even without a pointy red hat, she’ll always be a princess in my eyes.~ Richard Simmons, Jr. The Gnome

“I don’t have time for women in my life at this time. Veteran travel gnome, Sheldon, is teaching me the ropes to follow in his footsteps now that he’s a gimp. I need to focus on my career. However, the time has come for us gnomes to be open-minded and consider women of all races as potential hookups. May the best gnome score! ~ Zookwinkle The Gnome

Well you heard it here, folks. It seems that racism has died out in The Gnome Abode. I’m going to go see if Yma has dinner plans this evening. I have in mind this quaint, little BYOB Thai place around the corner.

Yours in competitive lust,

Leonardo The Gnome

Parental Gnome Scout Sighting in Strasburg, Illinois!

Our master and goddess of all gnomekind, Gnomeplaya, has even gotten her human parental units interested in our culture! No joke! What amazing influence she has upon us, our society, and everyone everywhere!

With no provocation whatsoever, Female Parental Unit and Male Parental Unit journeyed to the small town of Strasburg, Illinois. This middle-of-nowhere location was rumored to be a “gnome-themed town” with more than 500 of the mystical garden creatures living in gardens around the village’s businesses and houses.


According to an official report filed by Female Parental Unit and Male Parental Unit:

We remembered an article that we’d read a couple of years ago in the Champaign News-Gazette about Strasburg (about 45-50 minutes south of Arthur) having lots of gnomes.  So–today we went to Strasburg to check out the gnomes.  There really weren’t many.  We were disappointed.  But–I took some photos of the few they had and will try to send them to you.  They had 2 painted gnomes on buildings–one on a concession stand at the ballpark and at the bank.  There were 2 statues at the sign coming into town and one in front of the Community Bldg.

They were disappointed?!? Aw shucks. Sounds like we all need to pitch in and beef up Strasburg’s reputation! A call to ceramic arms!

What other gnomie homies are down for a restoration road trip this weekend? Hit up my cell!

Oh yeah, and Happy Friday Gnomies!

Leonardo The Gnome

Gnome-themed drinks to get you grunk!

Yo yo yo! It’s Friday afternoon. You got a stiff drink in that tiny ceramic hand of yours?

No? NO?!? LAME.

“But….but…um….well….Leonardo, I…um….don’t know what to….um….drink.” – Annonomous Lame Gnome


Here’s a starter list of gnome themed drinks to get you grunk:

Naughty Gnome Recipe

Horny Toad Stool Recipe

Esprit d’Achouffe

  • Description: The ESPRIT D’ACHOUFFE is an ‘eau de vie’ (brandy) distilled from beer that is 5 years old. A very delicate ‘eau-de-vie’, reminiscent of ‘grappa’
  • Packaging : Decorated stoneware bottle of 500ml
  • Alcohol  : 40% alc./vol.
  • Storage : Always keep in a fridge
  • Serving temperature : from 0 to 10°C in a 40ml glass
  • http://www.achouffe.be/en/nos-bieres/nos-produits/

This is your mission, should you choose to accept it.  Text me in a few hours about how your mission is going. I’ll try to respond before I pass out.

Your friendly alcohol educator,

Leonardo the Gnome