Author Archives: Maurice

About Maurice

I have nothing to say to you minions. 

What we think about The Travelocity Gnome

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Even those people who aren’t interested gnomes (freaks) have probably heard of one gnome in particular. He’s practically unavoidable these days.

THE TRAVELOCITY GNOME.

travelocity-gnome-webAccording to Time Magazine, the famous Travelocity gnome is over 300 years old and is from North Carolina. His fame came about around 2004 with the travel company’s “Where’s my gnome?” ads on TV. The lucky bastard has since gotten opportunities to hang out at ice hotels, Hawaiian volcanoes, and go cliff diving.

Dude even hosted his own travel contest recently! According to the New York Times, “The centerpiece of the campaign is a contest, open to travelers ages 21 and older, with a grand prize of a trip around the world for two valued at $65,000 and a chance to appear in a Travelocity commercial.”

While he’s been gallivanting around and flaunting his riches, what have the rest of us gnome been doing? Standing around. Working. Drinking. Blogging. Nothing nearly so glamorous.

travelocity1While we all feel pangs of jealousy when talking about the Travelocity gnome, we have a certain amount of respect for him at the same time. After all, he did bring attention and awareness about gnomish culture to humans around the world. Almost all gnomes wholeheartedly support travel adventures, so at least he has stayed true to his roots despite his commercialism.

He’s a bit of a sell-out, but his head is still in the right place. I can’t say as much for some of our residents of The Gnome Abode, who are awaiting epoxy re-capitation surgery.

So when the Travelocity gnome’s third cousin stopped by to visit this weekend, we welcomed him in with open arms. Here he is posing in our hallway…

Kinda looks like his famous third cousin, doesn’t he? He’s way more down-to-earth though and we welcome him to stay with us for as long as he pleases. Plus, he has an amazing British accent. Not enough of the gnomes around here have accents, and it’s nice to hear  foreign talk from time to time.

Some of his favorite phrases are “It’s amazing where you can go without ever moving” and “I see London, I see France. Oh dear, I see someone’s underpants.” He doesn’t seem like the smartest gnome in the garden, but everything sounds smarter in British so we forgive him.

To our new twice-removed famous friend! Cheers!

Sincerely yours,
Maurice The Gnome

Black Friday Causes Gnomes to Contemplate the Afterlife

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Some gnomes think about shopping on Friday. Other gnomes think about eating leftovers. Call me morbid if you will…but today, I’m thinking of death.

There’s loads of gnome literature out there, but I’ve never seen anything to address questions about what happens to gnomes after they die. Why has nothing been written?! I can’t be the first gnome to have these questions!

My questions  have begun to overwhelm me and I feel the black cloud of Black Friday slowly closing in. Perhaps the approaching “Gnomepocalypse” (December 21st, 2012) is has something to do with it as well.

I consulted my go-to spot, Yahoo Answers, but these seem to apply to only humans. Some of them seem to believe in heaven and hell, some in reincarnation, and some in nothing at all. But what are gnomes supposed to believe in?

There is a serious religious void in our gnomish society. Are there any gnome prophets out there who are able to shed some light upon this blackest of Black Fridays?

Listening to emo music and resorting to poetry in the meantime,
Maurice The Gnome

 

A Sneak Peek at Sheldon’s Post-Bar-Fight Medical Records!

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Sheldon still won’t tell us the whole story about how he broke his legs off in Texas. All we know here at The Abode is that he got into a bar fight in Austin and came home totally botched up!

Sheldon fans all over the world have been unable to dry their tears of disbelief and concern.

I passed out last night beside the mailbox after a steady helping of rum and cokes. and just woke up to find our friendly Postal Gnome delivering today’s mail. Hmmm hmmm hmmm….well what do we have here…..Sheldon’s records from Seton Medical Center?!

Time out? Well don’t mind if I do! The gnome community never signed off on HIPAA.

Apparently gnomes don’t read good in Texas, so instead of written medical recordsthey do ’em in pictures.

That silly bastard brother of mine can make anything look like a fun adventure….even tragic de-leg-atation! Just look at him with posing with this bed pan, for example!

That’s a lot of tubes and crap all for one little gnome….where do they stick them all?

These photo records don’t shed a whole lot of light on the incidents that led up to his Texan hospitalization, but they do provide excellent blackmail material!

The only non-paralyzed Rumplesphincter brother,

Maurice, The Gnome

 

 

Monkey/Horse/Canoe/Wheelbarrow Whatnot In Wisconsin

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Now that The Gnome Abode is finally back to a point of stability after the brutal takeover of the evil St. Bastille Day (whose birthday is this Saturday! Everyone be sure to send presents!), I can finally post about my recent Wisconsin vacation. As you may recall, I won the lottery to accompany Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow on a magical journey to Devil’s Lake. Oooooo…sounds scary….I know.

We stayed at the Wheeler Campground, which was awesome. The owners were awesome, the camp store was awesome, the shower facilities were awesome, and the secluded woodsy campsite was awesome. Need I explain any more awesomeness!

I did have to share my tent with the monkeys: Happy, Fatty, and Nappy. Fatty was actually “acquired” on this Wisconsin trip at a magical place called Wal-Mart. Nappy was born there too. They must be distantly related somehow. I dont’ really get monkey genetics. Irregardlessly, the monkeys are alright folk. They get annoying from time to time, but overall they are excellent playmates.

Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow went on a rock climbing adventure, which I promptly declined to join. A fat, sleepy gnome climbing rocks? No thank you. I demanded wheelbarrow transport from one destination to another.

I did decide to join the others on a horseback riding adventure. Look at me in the saddle! Who knew that gnomes and horses could get along?! I plan to write up a pitch to The Gnome Abode Board of Directors to petition for a pet horse. I really think it would boost morale for all of us.

Horses’ asses are pretty soft too. I never fell off even once!

More reluctantly, I joined the others on a canoe/fishing trip. I brought along some Swedish Fish for bait. Hysterical laughter ensued.  No fish were caught. And this will likely be my first and last fishing trip. Don’t think I didn’t hear about what happened to Seamus! That poor bastard and his lack of feet. Sigh.

Fortunately, the trip ended with my favorite part of traveling….BOOZE! Look at me here with a craft beer sampler platter.from Water Street Brewery in Milwaukee, Wisconsin: http://www.waterstreetbrewery.com/

Sampler platters are the BEST because I don’t have to make up my mind and the glasses are gnome-sized. I was eh so-so about all the beers I tasted here. Nothing was significant and nothing stuck in my memory as being amazing (see above reference to Wheeler Campground for a good definition of amazing).

I felt very welcome in Wisconsin….the tents, the monkeys, the horses, the Swedish fish, and the mediocre beer.

This was my first out-of-state trip EVER! Seamus will be so jealous and Sheldon won’t give a fuck b/c he’s probably doing something way more amazing and we all hate him.

Peace out,

Maurice The Gnome

 

Watch Yo’ Back, Wisconsin…

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Let it be known that Wisconsin is full of gnome haters. After countless gnome sighting attempts in various regions, not a single gnome could been found.

Anyone with information to the contrary is encouraged to contact us immediately before we declare war upon your wretched territory and infiltrate your homes and gardens.

I mean, look at the stupid laws in this place! – http://www.bitoffun.com/stupid_laws_wisconsin.htm

P.S. – My photo blog of the super duper fun times in Wisconsin last weekend is coming soon!

Signed,

Maurice The Gnome