In case you’ve been drinking your brain cells and memory skills away, I invite you to revisit the gnome blog post from January 5th. It’s a post Seamus made regarding his lack of understanding about dogs on the day he met his first one.

As The Gnome Abode’s animal rights activist, I was called upon to explain and justify these bewildering ancient creatures. Now, I’m a huge supporter of dogs. Do you know why? Because dogs are actually gnomes in disguise!

I know what you’re thinking. But hold on. Now hear me out.

If you trace the genealogical lines back oh say, a couple hundred years…you’ll see that gnomes and dogs are actually distant sixth cousins! Believe it or not, it’s TRUE! 

Dogs like to pretend that they are simple animals. What a brilliant idea! If I could have the whole human race convinced that I needed to be fed, walked, and played with on a continual basis…I’d be set for life!

But when your back is turned…dogs start to look just a little more like gnomes…

When they are most relaxed and on the verge of slumber, you can oftentimes make out the shape of a bright red hat atop their heads….if you look at the exact right time. The second that a dog is alarmed or feels a human presence nearby, the gnome hat quickly fades away. It’s really sad how insecure they are.

I encourage all of you dogs out there to fly your gnome hats high! So maybe you don’t want humans to know that you can really take care of yourselves. I get it. But I’m not the only gnome who gets it. We stand beside you in your quest to find your true selves in this life and be the gnomish dogs that you really are.

Don’t worry….I won’t tell any of those stupid humans your secret. Just come to one of council meetings sometime and we’ll show you the true way.Not to force religion on you or anything, but we have a gnomish church now too. All dogs are welcome in our pews!

May the gnome-dog alliance strengthen over time and gain momentum in the days ahead. I’m not sure if any of you pooches and type, but you’re welcome to write a blog post from time to time if you can.

Your animal rights activist and canine supporter,
Ramon LeBeef The Gnome

There have been a great number of recent gnome posts regarding gnomes’ relationships with animals. One of our gnomes recently met a dog and another became enraged by the torment of a cat depicted in a cartoon.

As The Gnome Abode’s animal rights specialist, I feel the need to step in and say a few words.

Actually, screw words. I have pictures!

I enlisted my new buddy, Dumblebore, to assist me with important animal research. His job was to stand next to animals to see how they would react and my job was to jot down notes about each encounter.

Bird encounter: stealthy and strangely seductive. While hardly a ladies’ man, Dumblebore walked away from this encounter with a phone number.

Elephant encounter: smelly and the ground won’t stop shaking. Dumblebore had the unfortunate time of visiting these massive creatures during breeding season. Neither of us will ever be the same again….

Zebra encounter: dizzying and wasted. As a well-known drunkard, Dumblebore experienced a high unlike any high he had ever had before. Zebras know how to party and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

White tiger encounter: absolutely terrifying. Due to Dumblebore falling into a state of shock, we had to cut the research study short at this point in time. No matter how many times I tried to explain that their was a pane of glass between him and the tiger, he just didn’t get it.

And that, kids, is today’s lesson about gnomes and animals. Happy Friday!

Ramon LeBeef the Gnome

ZOOS ARE AN ATROCITY AND MUST ALL BE SHUT DOWN!

We must free poor defenseless creatures from the bars that prevent them from a quality lifestyle!

Join me in helping animals find their true environment!

What? Oh. Who am I you ask? I guess I am new around here, so that’s a logical question. My name is Ramón LeBeef and I’m a Spanish-French animal rights activist. I’ve been fighting for the rights of animals ever since my momma was poisoned by cheap packaged noodles and my daddy was trampled by an rogue bovine.

It recently came to my attention that there are countless animals being held captive in and around The Gnome Abode.

Residents of The Gnome Abode: I do not blame you for being ignorant. It’s not necessarily your fault that you are being cruel and inhumane! I am here to teach you the animal kingdom’s ways of humility and righteousness. Sit back and relax because none of you are getting arrested just yet!

I simply want to inform you of my cause and invite you to join me so that you DON’T get arrested for your inappropriate behaviors.

Here’s me freeing a defenseless goat from its pen. Look how it automatically takes a liking to me! This is how animals treat gnomes that treat them right!

This is me breaking a beautiful zebra out of confinement. These magnificent beasts belong in the open plains of Africa, roaming free. Although I released this zebra around the corner of Clark and Division, I’m sure it’ll make its way back to African someday!

Here I am freeing a lovely colorful bird from its cage. Birds are the easiest animals to free because once you pull out the hard core negotiating skills and convince them to fly away, then away they go!

Now this is a sad tale. These hippos were so mistreated that they turned to bronze. It’s a little known fact that mistreatment inherently leads to bronzing over time. Ever see someone who looks unnaturally tan? They’re probably being mistreated.

I enlisted the help of Peso the Monkey (our mom’s are distant cousins) to help me rescue a mother and baby hippo. They are still thawing out in our high-temperature incubator right now, but we do expect a full recovery.

Email me at or reply to this post for more details on how you can stop being an asshole to animals. I’d rather see animals roaming free on the dangerous highway than confined in the safety of a zoo. And you should too.

May the fight ignite inside you,
Ramón LeBeef, The Gnome