Author Archives: Rj Simmons Jr.

About Rj Simmons Jr.

Fitness fitness cha cha cha!

Our First MexiGnome!!!

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In the spirit of gnome diversity, we have welcomed our very first MexiGnome to the Gnome Abode!

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Dude doesn’t have a name yet, so we keep calling him MexiGnome. Is this racist? Racist in the spirit of anti-racism? I must say though…dude never strays far from his horse or his guitar. Good quality in a dude if you ask me.

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Please send us your suggestion for Mr. MexiGnome’s proper nomenclature. We’restruggling on this one, since many of our pasty-white-as-can-be gnomes have Hispanic names. Yes, I’m referring to you, Alfredo, Pablo, and Ramon.

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In other news, we’ve heard rumors about a Greek gnome and a Scottish gnome joining our ranks any day now. Bring it, bitches…we’re ready for ya! Though we might ask you for cuisine recommendations. You’ve been forewarned.

Happy freaking Friday, gnomites!
Rj Simmons Jr. the Welcoming Committee Gnome

COSTA RICAN ZEBRA/LLAMA ATTACK!

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I’m doing my best to maneuver the jungles of Costa Rica. I thought I came prepared. I read about how to deal all the native animals….the monkeys, the sloths, the birds, and so forth.

What I didn’t expect to find was a killer zebra in a tree!

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Or a vicious llama!

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Speaking of llamas, did I ever share my favorite song of all time with you?

I need a beer.

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What the hell is going on down here?
Rj Simmons Jr.

Free Solo Climbing in the Gnomish Wilderness

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AND NOW….a series of totally tubular (semi-professional) pics from my most recent climbing excursion to Mount Plaid!

Nope, there’s no ropes in sight! Yeah, that’s really dangerous. That’s the way I rock it. I know I’m amazing, but I love to hear it again and again.

Not only did I find myself to be amazing, I was also amazed about how natural rock has gotten so much more colorful recently. Is this a result of gnomish pollution? (Where’s our environmental protection guy for comment?)

Fan mail welcome! Private lessons can be reserved via blog post comment!

Your fitness guru,
Rj Simmons Jr., The Gnome

Today’s Gnome Workout! – Start today in a healthy way with our health & fitness coach!

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It’s Monday morning, you lazy sons of bitches!

Shake that pixie dust outta your eyes ‘cuz it’s time to EXERCISE!

WORKOUT SUMMARY 

    • GOAL: Lose gnome fat
    • WORKOUT TYPE: Full gnome body
    • TRAINING LEVEL: Hardcore
    • EQUIPMENT: Bike, shoes, swimwear
    • TARGET GENDER: Male and female

WORKOUT DESCRIPTION  

    • CIRCUIT#1: BIKE 40 MILES. Pedal, pedal, pedal like you’re being chased by an evil troll. You never know when this will actually happen.
    • CIRCUIT #2: WEIGHTLIFTING! If you don’t push that bar above your head it will smash you. I suggest pushing up that bar.
  • Circuit #3: Swimming. May I suggest swimming in beer for extra motivation!?

Sweatin’ to the oldies,
Rj Simmons, Jr. The Heath & Fitness Coach Gnome