Author Archives: Tabitha

About Tabitha

I was presented with an opportunity, I seized it, and here I am in this so called “Gnome Abode”. Last weekend, I hesitantly vacated my extravagant mansion with an ocean view in California with one mission: To manipulate the King of the Gnomes into making me his wife so I can rule the gnome world and beyond.

I’ve heard rumors that he’s a pushover. I’ve also heard that the only other female gnome here is a total  skank.

Allow me to introduce myself…I am Tabitha and you will soon be worshiping me as your Queen as I rise in the ranks of high gnome society.

Our first romantic getaway to Napa Valley <3 <3 <3

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After our first date a few weeks ago, I played it kind of cool with Jerry. I let him initiate the first text message each morning and pretended that I had other plans one out of three times that he would ask me out for dinner.

However, I quickly discovered that he’s far too dumb to catch on to my mind games so I gave up on all that.

Jerry took me by complete surprise  last week when he invited me to temporarily escape The Gnome Abode for a weekend getaway. I was even more surprised when he suggested taking a trip to Napa Valley. All I’ve ever seen him drink is Miller Lite out of dented cans. He must REALLY be trying to impress me. Rightfully so. Hmmph.

This was also the day I learned that Jerry is a licensed pilot and has his own private jet. How hot is that?! BONUS POINTS, JERRY!

We landed abruptly in a field full of cows somewhere in the northern California countryside. I think we only knocked over a couple cows, but I dare not look so I can’t really be sure.

We arrived at the Jarvis Winery (http://jarviswines.com/) just in time for our 2:30 tour. Our tour guide was simply adorable. He kept making eye contact me with through his sophosticated black-rimmed glasses. Much to my disappointment, Jerry never seemed to notice. Arrgh! He’s so oblivious!

The vineyards outside looked to be in perfect condition and the cave cellar inside had hundreds of barrels of aging wine. A cascading waterfall flowed inside the cave and beautiful crystal sculptures lined the hallways. I could get used to living in a place like this. (Hint hint Jerry, if you’re reading this. But I’m sure you wouldn’t pick up on the hint anyway so WHATEVER.)

The tasting session was simply magnificent as well. I wrote down all of my tasting notes for future reference as our guide explained the intricate processes that went into each wine. When I looked over Jerry’s tasting notes page, there were doodles of cows and stick figures all over his page. Are you kidding me?!  I noticed that he wasn’t spitting out his samples after each taste and that he was also starting to slur his words.  When I asked him if he preferred the Cabernet Franc or the Petit Verdot, his answer was “Yummy”.

Before he started to embarrass me any further, I decided it was time to leave the winery and travel to whichever overpriced restaurant that Jerry had surely made us dinner reservations at. But before we left, I made sure he picked up a bottle of my favorite $195 Merlot. Our adorable guide was more than happy to assist Jerry with his purchase. 

Aside from some heavy necking and petting behind some vines on the way back to the jet, I can’t say that our trip to the winery was necessarily “romantic”. But I definitely give Jerry an A- for effort for planning our first trip together.

And at least he got us drunk. I always seem to like him a little more after a couple glasses of my favorite Merlot.

Cheers!

Tabitha, Future Queen of the Gnomes

Tabitha’s Review of Her First Date With Jerry

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My first couple days at the Gnome Abode have been absolutely miserable. There’s no private showers, no place to get a manicure, and nothing to drink besides cheap beer in a bucket of ice. How do gnomes live like this? I’ll never understand the commoners.

I knew it wouldn’t take long for Jerry, King of the Gnomes, to notice me. I mean, how could he resist this? I coaxed Sheldon into taking me to the backyard tea party shop on Friday because I overheard Horace telling Alfredo that Jerry and Benjamin had a business meeting there at 11 am. I conveniently picked a table for Sheldon and I right next to the one that Jerry and Benjamin were at, looking so professional with their laptops open. (Add one point).

A just a few winks of my long eyelashes and a hint of exposed ankle as I crossed my legs, and suddenly Jerry was hovering over our table introducing himself. (Add one point).He was a bit older than I had expected. (Subtract one point). And when I stood up, I realized that he’s a bit shorter than I expected. (Subtract one point). But money and power can make all of those trivial things irrelevant.

Not to my surprise, Jerry asked me out to dinner Saturday night. When I inquired into what type of restaurants he liked, he had absolutely no suggestions. Indecisiveness is such a turnoff. (Subtract one point).

So I suggested a nearby sushi restaurant I found on Yelp called Zen Noodles and Sushi. Jerry had never had sushi before so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to flaunt my worldliness. To start the evening, I ordered us a couple bottles of expensive Saki….one fruity and one crisp. Jerry thought the little cups were shot glasses and slammed each one down with a “hoot n’ holler”. It was so embarrassing. (Subtract one point). 

Jerry had no idea how to read Japanese! Desn’t even gnome know Japanese?! God! SoI even had to make our dinner selections. (Subtract one point). I ordered a couple of my favorites, spicy scallop maki and eel tempura maki. I waited for him to ask me to talk about myself and he never did. He also responded to all of my questions with one word answers (Subtract two points) . 

Just as we were starting to get buzzed enough to have a conversation, Jerry grabbed his throat and started hyperventilating. I don’t need to deal with this! Some Asian gnome behind the bar yelled “Choking! Choking! Lawsuit! No!” Panic spread across the restaurant, but I continued sipping the Wandering Poet saki and waited for someone to help him.

Our server ran over to our table started performing the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge piece of eel flew out of his mouth and barely missed my clean pressed blouse. I had even wore my best pearls! Ooooh! The nerve! (Subtract one point).

Turns out Jerry is also allergic to sushi and started breaking out in hives. (Subtract one point). What else could possibly go wrong?!  I kept having to remind myself to be pretend to care and be nice and maintain my focus on becoming QUEEN. I stuck the small bottle of Snow Maiden Saki in my purse and hailed us a cab to a nearby 24- hour urgent care clinic. I got drunk in the waiting room while the physicians’ assistants worked on his nasty swollen beard face and red blotchy ceramic skin.

 

Definitely no good night kiss. Definitely my worst first date ever. But I can’t give up. I will give Jerry a second chance because I came all this way. And I WILL be QUEEN!!!!!!!!!

Rating this date a negative seven (-7),

Tabitha, Your Future Queen Gnome

 

 

From the Shoreline to the Shitpipe: Tabitha’s First Night in The Gnome Abode

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I can’t believe how unkempt these flower beds are. There’s not even any fresh vegetables in growing in the garden. They call this place The Gnome Abode. More like Section 8 housing. Ew.

I am and will always be a California girl at heart. Daddy gave me this nice little house on the shore when I turned eighteen. I’ve excelled at being a professional socialite and party planner for the past thirteen years. I’ve dabbled in songwriting, modeling, and was recently featured in a Hollywood blockbuster movie.

Last Saturday afternoon, I was lounging on a nearby beach sipping a mimosa and sunning myself. Some dirty hippy wearing nasty hiking boots stepped on the edge of my towel, which completely disrupted my moment of zen. He invited himself to sit on that tainted edge of the towel and asked me for directions to the nearest port-a-potty.

I told him that I had no idea what a port-a-potty even was. For some reason, that fact still didn’t make him leave. He introduced himself as Sheldon and explained that he was a travel writer who was exploring the area and meeting people along the way. How weird. Who does that?

The conversation was gruelingly dull until he mentioned that he lived with the one and only Jerry, King of the Gnomes. Suddenly, my ears perked up and I listed to nasty ass Sheldon talk about the other gnomes under Jerry’s rule and how lonely Jerry seemed to be all alone at the top.

The next thing I know, I was sitting in the window seat on a plane next to Sheldon headed back to this mysterious place called The Gnome Abode. Daddy always encouraged me to climb the ladder of high society, but I hope I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life.

Sheldon is the perfect kind of gnome to use to get what I want. He’s so naive and trusting. However, I feel that Jerry is my key to reining over these peasants and fulfilling my destiny of Queen of Gnomeland. I just need to get Jerry to marry me…that’s all.

I haven’t met Jerry yet, though I’m told he’s here somewhere. The other gnomes here seem petty, small-minded, and noisy. I guess there’s only one other girl here. I haven’t met her either, but rumor has it that she’s the “Community Bicycle”. Apparently everyone  gets a ride. Ew.

 

Anyway, I’m going to try to find a way though the sliding glass door and some clean sheets and pillows to get some sleep where civilized debutante like me belong. There is no way I’m sleeping out in the grass with those peasants.

 

Tomorrow I will look into where the nearest urgent care clinic. I’m sure I need a bunch of shots to avoid catching these gnomes’ gross diseases.

Disgusted but cautiously optimistic,

Tabitha The Gnome