The Day I Felt Up a Gnome

Hey gnome fans, Roxy here. I just celebrated a birthday and have been doing some serious soul searching since then. I used to blog in the category, Secrets of a Slutty Girl Gnome,” but now I’m starting to second guess my life’s purpose.

strippergnome

The tips aren’t that good anymore anyway.

Instead of slutting, I’ve turned to crafting. Somebody once said something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings. So in the spirit of playing instead of “playing,” here is the story of my first craft project…

In my regular following of “gnome news,” I came across an intriguing craft that I’d never heard of before. The craft is called “felting,” and this was the article: Felted Gnome Products on WCAX.com.

Felted gnome products? Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

I immediately began typing away on this Internet machine to pull up Susi Ryan’s Etsy shop, The Felted Gnome Knows. Felting, felting, WHAT THE HECK IS FELTING?!

According to Susi, “Needle Felting is a unique art. It is not an old technique, it started in the 1980s when some artists found that by using a machine felting needle they could shape wool by stabbing it . It takes many stabs, hours and bleeding fingers to sculpt wool but the results as you can see are terrific. There is something magical about wool felt creatures and paintings. It emanates warmth, strength and evokes a time when play was innocent.”

Welp, that’s enough for me! After a bit of browsing, I settled on purchasing Susi’s Felted Gnome Making Kit. A gnome making kit…just THINK of the possibilities!

What the heck am I supposed to do with all this?!

What the heck am I supposed to do with all this?!

A cute box full of supplies arrived promptly in the mail. I must admit that I was a teensy bit intimidated.

I settled in on the coffee table in the sunlight and opened up the instruction manual. Take a look at that white blog stuck with a needle onto a sponge-like thing. This is how it all began…

Head blob: check.

Head blob: check.

In an effort to bring more diversity to The Gnome Abode, I decided to create a brown gnome to join our clan. A rich hot sexy chocolate brown gnome. Mmmm…

You'd think those green things are arms but they're actually legs...GOTCHA

You’d think those green things are arms but they’re actually legs…GOTCHA

In practically no time at all, I had totally gotten the hang of felting. Basically, all you do is stab fuzzy stuff with a needle onto a sponge until it makes a certain shape. It’s a bit like sculpting, but involves adding more “stuff” on rather than whittling it away.

Hat-less hotness

Hat-less hotness

So in the end, this is how my first felting project turned out! Not only did I keep my hands busy and successfully complete my first anti-slut craft, but I also have a new boyfriend.

Finished product = my new boyfriend

Finished product = my new boyfriend

Whatever shall I name him????

xoxo,
Roxy the Gnome

P.S. – Have you tried felting? Share your tips or questions with me so I feel like I’m an integral part of the felting community…to cure my sluttiness once and for all…PLEASE!

The Day I Met Big Ears, Gnome Friend of Noddy from Enid Blyton’s Books

Ahhh, hello there gnomies. It sure is easy to get caught up on all that Facebook crap and forget home much I love my original home…the drunk blog.

Not only did I rediscover the blog, but I also discovered an old timey gnome friend that I never before knew existed.

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He sits!

His name is Big Ears, and despite the typically normal quality of a gnome’s ears, he is a gnome friend Noddy from the Enid Blyton books. A good friend shipped him to us in the post, and my were we glad for make his acquaintance!

Some of us gnomes aren’t old enough to remember, but Big Ears was a crazy book and TV character in the mid-1900s. After doing a bit of digging, here’s what I came up with about or strange visitors distant past.

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Big Ears emerged onto the scene because of a little wooden boy named Noddy. Through a course of woodcarving, unwarranted fear, and aimless wandering, he meets Big Ears, who is sometimes referred to as a brownie.

What’s a brownie, you ask? Well I just read your mind.

According to English and Scottish folklore, a brownie is a legendary creature that resembles a hobgobiln and inhabits houses. #TheMoreYouKnow

Capture2

Well this Big Ears character was wise and lived in a toadstool house outside of Toytown. Thinking that Noddy, the wooden boy, is a toy, Big Ears takes him in, and in true gnomish fashion, takes care of him to a T.

Long story short, the Noddy and Big Ears stories were published between 1949 and 1963 – all 24 of them! He was on TV back in 1955 and a new Noddy in Toyland aired in 2011-2012. And all this time we were clueless…

Capture

We would officially like to welcome Big Ears to our humble Gnome Abode. He’s the perfect size to accompany us as we move to a brand new gnome-friendly city in the upcoming weeks!

And don’t worry…we’ll stop teasing you about your ears one of these days.

He stands!

He stands!

Have you read these books or watched this show? Recommendations welcome – I feel the need for a book/show review coming on!

xoxo,
Ramon LeBeef the Gnome

Sleepy Gnome Bloggers Wake Up for Movie Premier!

The blogging gnomes have been a wee bit too tipsy for blog posts lately it seems. For whatever reason, the grog supply has been dwindling more than usual and they’ve been capable of little more than dumb Facebook quips.

Well I’m here to revive long-form gnome rants, once and for all.

Here, here!

No, really. Down here. Have you forgotten how short we are?

I like to think of myself as a bit of a connoisseur of the arts, so when I saw a headline today about a gnome film, my stubby ears perked up.

“Coota gnome rescue immortalised in film”

That’s what the headline read, and it’s all about the great gnome rescue of 2009.

Unfamiliar with that whole ordeal?

Photo credit: Cootamundra Herald

Photo credit: Cootamundra Herald

Around 1500 garden gnomes rescued from the late Shirley Elford’s home in 2009. They were tattered and torn, but still beautiful gnome souls in need of a little TLC.

Following the rescue, they were restored and adopted out to caring homes. Filmmakers caught wind of this phenomenon and also about the annual Australian Gnome Convention, which celebrated its 10th anniversary this year.

According to the Cootamundra Herald, “Film producer Murray Fahey said the film will include flashbacks to the Cootamundra rescue mission as well as interviews with some of the people involved including ‘Gnome Master’ David Cooke.”

The film’s due to be released in early November, but we stateside gnome are worried that we might not have access to the screening.

Sob…sob…help us?

We might be far away, but we’re not giving up hope. We’ll be following this story as the first of November approaches and hopefully find a way to see this wonderfully promising film. Gnome films aren’t exactly the easiest to come by, so you’ve got to jump on the bandwagon while the tubas are still playing.

Until then, this is your gnome culture news for the day. Signing off…

Horace The Gnome

Weird Crap People Put in Their Yards (Besides Gnomes)

I don’t have to remind you that the ultimate lawn decoration is, of course, a gnome. Gnomes and lawns have a long history, rooted in rich tradition and plenty of weird freaking people.

However, from time to time, I must recognize that people put things in their yards other than gnomes. Shrubberies, for instance. Maybe a hydrangea. And sometimes nude Barbie dolls.

While trolling (pun intended) the Interweb today, I came across an obscure piece from a human guest blogger that we’ve featured from time to time. She found a magical place called Barbie Beach, where naked Barbie dolls get to live out their days playing volleyball, jumping on trampolines, and serving their country at war.

Read Nude Barbies in the Front Yard? Only in Georgia.

barbiebeach Fall 2009

In true serendipitous fashion, I also stumbled upon this gem today:

AT-AT

Fallen AT-AT – Photo credit: Andrew Liszewski

It’s called a Fallen AT-AT, which I guess is a Star Wars/Trek thing.

If you prefer crying robots to cheerful little gnomes, this lil’ guy is your destiny! Pick him up on Think Geek for $40.

What other weird crap have you been seeing in people’s yards lately? Post a pic to our Facebook page!

It is my position to support each and every lawn decoration out there…as long as there’s a gnome somewhere in the mix too. Here’s to weird lawns…EVERYWHERE!

XOXO,
Humps, the Landscape Architect Gnome

The Making of a Gnome Skirt

As one of literally three lady gnomes living at The Gnome Abode, the guys naturally looked to me to mend their torn overalls and ripped shirts. Just when you think you’re living in the 21st century, right?

But I didn’t let my feminism get the best of me. I gave this wonky machine a chance, and it gave me a chance in return.

Sorry boys, I’ve found a new love. And it’s not you.

sew

I told the boys to bug off while I made something for myself. I’ve been wearing the same, tired old dress every damn day for years now. It was time I made myself a skirt…A GNOME SKIRT!photo

You wouldn’t probably think to look at it, but skirt-making is an incredibly tedious process. There’s a zipper, and a hook, and an eye, and this weird stuff called interfacing, and even though you have a machine you have to sew some stuff by hand.

Personally, I still think that whole hand sew thing is whack. This is the technology age for godssake!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

But after several weeks of trials and tribulations…voilà! A completed skirt!

Whaddya think?!?

Have you caught the sewing bug? Itching to pick up some gnome fabric of your own? Check out these awesome gnome fabrics!

Any other gnome seamstresses out there? I’d love to see your stuff. Red rover, red rover, send gnome pics right over!

xoxo,
Roxy the crafty gnome