I have finally (and reluctantly) returned back to The Gnome Abode from my amazing trip to California. I could see myself taking up residence in another gnome village out there someday. But alas, I have some loose ends to tie up back on the home front first.

I never leave home without my travel journal. However, writing gets to be a pain in the ass. Therefore, I just had strangers take pictures at various points along my journey!

Strangers love taking pictures of gnomes! We’re so photogenic! Well except that one guy who threatened to behead my brother. I don’t want talk about it.

Airplanes are awesome!

Do you know why airplanes are awesome? Because you can get drunk on them! Hellooooo, Jack Daniels and Diet Coke! Pour me another, Miss (I wish you were hot) Flight Attendant!

Look at how far I freaking hiked! This is on path of the Upper Yosemite Falls Trail. Sometimes we all need to get lost in the mountains to feel how small we really are in this world.

I visited one of my very best friends in Auburn, Liz, owner of Gnome Habitat USA!

http://www.auburnjournal.com/detail/94945.html

There were thousands upon thousands of gnomes here. It was so overwhelming. I was invited to afternoon tea in this little cottage on the outskirts of the habitat.

Then I visited one of my other best friends in Santa Rosa, Jean, owner of Gnome Man’s Land!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/03/21/HO2016ETRU.DTL

Most of the time I was there, Jean was trying to convince her gnomes that it really was springtime and they should go out in the yard and get to work. It was only about 50 degrees that day, so I can’t say I really blame them. I had  a lovely stopped by this tree house for a smoke break with some of the nearby residents.

Then I headed back to San Francisco for some beach time. It was chilly, but the sunsets were gorgeous. I think I look quite stunning in this light, don’t you? Perhaps this will be my next Match.com profile pic.

On my last day in Cali, I enjoyed a relaxing hike around the San Francisco Bay. Those rocks out in the water looked so climb-able and I was tempted to go for a swim. But then I recalled a recent Dateline NBC episode that featured the Top Ten Gnome Deaths of the Modern World. Three of the top ten were due to drowning. Better safe than sorry, as Grandgnomma always used to say.

Signing off until my next adventure,

Sheldon The Gnome

After our first date a few weeks ago, I played it kind of cool with Jerry. I let him initiate the first text message each morning and pretended that I had other plans one out of three times that he would ask me out for dinner.

However, I quickly discovered that he’s far too dumb to catch on to my mind games so I gave up on all that.

Jerry took me by complete surprise  last week when he invited me to temporarily escape The Gnome Abode for a weekend getaway. I was even more surprised when he suggested taking a trip to Napa Valley. All I’ve ever seen him drink is Miller Lite out of dented cans. He must REALLY be trying to impress me. Rightfully so. Hmmph.

This was also the day I learned that Jerry is a licensed pilot and has his own private jet. How hot is that?! BONUS POINTS, JERRY!

We landed abruptly in a field full of cows somewhere in the northern California countryside. I think we only knocked over a couple cows, but I dare not look so I can’t really be sure.

We arrived at the Jarvis Winery (http://jarviswines.com/) just in time for our 2:30 tour. Our tour guide was simply adorable. He kept making eye contact me with through his sophosticated black-rimmed glasses. Much to my disappointment, Jerry never seemed to notice. Arrgh! He’s so oblivious!

The vineyards outside looked to be in perfect condition and the cave cellar inside had hundreds of barrels of aging wine. A cascading waterfall flowed inside the cave and beautiful crystal sculptures lined the hallways. I could get used to living in a place like this. (Hint hint Jerry, if you’re reading this. But I’m sure you wouldn’t pick up on the hint anyway so WHATEVER.)

The tasting session was simply magnificent as well. I wrote down all of my tasting notes for future reference as our guide explained the intricate processes that went into each wine. When I looked over Jerry’s tasting notes page, there were doodles of cows and stick figures all over his page. Are you kidding me?!  I noticed that he wasn’t spitting out his samples after each taste and that he was also starting to slur his words.  When I asked him if he preferred the Cabernet Franc or the Petit Verdot, his answer was “Yummy”.

Before he started to embarrass me any further, I decided it was time to leave the winery and travel to whichever overpriced restaurant that Jerry had surely made us dinner reservations at. But before we left, I made sure he picked up a bottle of my favorite $195 Merlot. Our adorable guide was more than happy to assist Jerry with his purchase. 

Aside from some heavy necking and petting behind some vines on the way back to the jet, I can’t say that our trip to the winery was necessarily “romantic”. But I definitely give Jerry an A- for effort for planning our first trip together.

And at least he got us drunk. I always seem to like him a little more after a couple glasses of my favorite Merlot.

Cheers!

Tabitha, Future Queen of the Gnomes

As a spiritual leader and motivational speaker for the troubled youth in our disintegrating community, I escorted a group of troubled young gnomes to the nearby botanical gardens this afternoon after this Sunday’s service.

Since I was a wee lad back in the old country, I have always been able to find the truth, the light, and the way in the beauty of nature.

I’m not really sure if those hooligans found any religious enlightenment or spiritual awakening or not. I’m also pretty sure I caught a glimpse of a couple of those slutty girl gnomes smoking cigarettes behind the banana trees. But to keep the peace, I turned a blind eye and took a swig of wine from the communion chalice I’d been refilling all day long. It is my Savior’s own blood after all!

Moments later, I felt myself being exalted high above my worldly concerns about the hooligans that society obligated me to supervise. I reclined back into the grasp of pure bliss and let my soul float up towards the rain drops falling upon my plastic skin and down my beard.

I think there’s a bus that will take those hooligans back to their neglectful parents, isn’t there?

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

The Book of Genesis The Gnome

I can’t believe how unkempt these flower beds are. There’s not even any fresh vegetables in growing in the garden. They call this place The Gnome Abode. More like Section 8 housing. Ew.

I am and will always be a California girl at heart. Daddy gave me this nice little house on the shore when I turned eighteen. I’ve excelled at being a professional socialite and party planner for the past thirteen years. I’ve dabbled in songwriting, modeling, and was recently featured in a Hollywood blockbuster movie.

Last Saturday afternoon, I was lounging on a nearby beach sipping a mimosa and sunning myself. Some dirty hippy wearing nasty hiking boots stepped on the edge of my towel, which completely disrupted my moment of zen. He invited himself to sit on that tainted edge of the towel and asked me for directions to the nearest port-a-potty.

I told him that I had no idea what a port-a-potty even was. For some reason, that fact still didn’t make him leave. He introduced himself as Sheldon and explained that he was a travel writer who was exploring the area and meeting people along the way. How weird. Who does that?

The conversation was gruelingly dull until he mentioned that he lived with the one and only Jerry, King of the Gnomes. Suddenly, my ears perked up and I listed to nasty ass Sheldon talk about the other gnomes under Jerry’s rule and how lonely Jerry seemed to be all alone at the top.

The next thing I know, I was sitting in the window seat on a plane next to Sheldon headed back to this mysterious place called The Gnome Abode. Daddy always encouraged me to climb the ladder of high society, but I hope I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life.

Sheldon is the perfect kind of gnome to use to get what I want. He’s so naive and trusting. However, I feel that Jerry is my key to reining over these peasants and fulfilling my destiny of Queen of Gnomeland. I just need to get Jerry to marry me…that’s all.

I haven’t met Jerry yet, though I’m told he’s here somewhere. The other gnomes here seem petty, small-minded, and noisy. I guess there’s only one other girl here. I haven’t met her either, but rumor has it that she’s the “Community Bicycle”. Apparently everyone  gets a ride. Ew.

Anyway, I’m going to try to find a way though the sliding glass door and some clean sheets and pillows to get some sleep where civilized debutante like me belong. There is no way I’m sleeping out in the grass with those peasants.

Tomorrow I will look into where the nearest urgent care clinic. I’m sure I need a bunch of shots to avoid catching these gnomes’ gross diseases.

Disgusted but cautiously optimistic,

Tabitha The Gnome

Guess which lucky gnome got picked to go along with Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow on a westward journey for a long weekend?

That’s right! THIS GNOME RIGHT HERE!

I have been promised that there will be hiking, climbing, and camping at Yosemite. Then I’ve been promised wine tasting in Napa Valley.

But what I’m most excited about is a promise to visit my friend, Liz, at Gnome Habitat USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://interestingamerica.com/2011-02-16_Gnome_Habitat_USA_by_R_Grigonis.html

So for the next few days, I will be blogging old school style…with a leather-bound travel journel and pen. Yes, people actually still do that! National Parks aren’t exactly known for their top notch wi fi.

But neverfear, I will make sure and transfer my experiences into an awesome blog post upon my return. That is, IF I return….

Boy voyage!

Sheldon the Gnome