Some say the last great race on earth is the Iditarod. Dog sleds in Alaska? Meh. Doesn’t that happen like every day up in that godforsaken wilderness state? I mean what else do Eskimos have to do with their day. I wonder if they’re still living in igloos. This sounds like a project in which to consult my Google Machine. And okay fine I take back my derogatory comment about Alaska because now I actually want to go there for the sake of knocking on the door of an igloo and being welcomed in by a beautiful Eskimo lady for a romantic dinner of grilled mammoth and parmesan-crusted polar bear.

Iditarod

Some say that the greatest drunken hipster challenge in the Midwest is the Chiditarod. I mean, really? A bunch of wasted semi-adults somehow obtaining shopping carts, decorating them with ridiculous themes, and running through the streets of Chicago checking in from bar to bar with silly little challenges? What makes this so great. I peered from my backyard at this madness happening on the streets yesterday and spotted this wacky crew, who obviously has serious mental and emotional problems. Isn’t there a legal age limit for drinking booze, anyway?

Chiditarod

I say the Alaskan dogs and the drunken humans have a thing or two to learn from us gnomes. Yesterday, Samuel, Joshua, Frederico, and i competed and won first place in the Gnomeditarod. The weather conditions were spectacular, considering the race took place in a kitchen. The competition was friendly, considering there was none. And the access to liquid motivation was simplified, considering our master’s liquor stash is not exactly hard to find.

Gnomeditarod

Halfway through the race, we realized that a manatee sabotaged our cart and snuck on board. We always thought manatees were stupid, but I guess they’re not as stupid as we thought. He certainly added some extra weight, but our athleticism prevalied and we won in spite of his evil intentions.

Victorious and triumphant,

Jerry

This past weekend, I experienced something that very few gnomes can ever lay claim to. DOG SLEDDING! Master and Goddess of all gnomekind, Alyssa, was kind enough to take my brother and I in her coat pocket to experience the mushing first hand.

We give all the credit to two amazing guide companies who have a true passion for their dog and the sport of mushing. S&L Arctic K9 Dog Sledding (http://www.dogsledmichigan.com/) and OCM Mushing (http://www.ocm-mushing.com/).

Look at me! I’m the one in the pointy orange hat mushing dogs!

Gnome Mush

Our guides were incredibly knowledgeable and had a true passion for the sport. They have taken their dogs up to Alaska in a pimp-mobile to compete in Iditarod. The dogs so well behaved and treated so well by owners. Some dogs were even fashionable enough to bring the 80’s back with leg warmers!

Doggie leg warmers

If anyone knows of any breeders of miniature Alaskan huskies, please contact me through this blog. I’d love to start collecting them for form the world’s first gnome mushing team and amaze the world as it has never been amazed before.

Covered in fur, still shivering, but super obsessed,

Alfredo the Gnome

Freaking sea cow!

Sheldon here. Remember me? I’m the gnome who carries around those tasty mushrooms in my  vest pocket? Yeah yeah, that was me that night. Trust me, you had a great time even though the last thing you remember was using my garden shovel as a pillow.

Our Supreme Master and Worshiped Goddess, Alyssa, recently had an amazing experience with some freakish creatures called manatees. Alyssa (who prefers to go by Gnomeplaya today) and her manfriend, Sridhar (who prefers to go by Pippi Longstocking today) recent traveled to the Homosassa River in Crystal River, Florida to seek out these wild beasts. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to ride along in Alyssa’s coat pocket for this trip. And yes….lame…she was wearing a coat because Florida was freaking freezing. Whodathunkit?

Playa and Pippi boarded a boat operated by Sir Hippie Dude with America Pro Diving. “Into the water you go!”, said Hippie. Our Master and Goddess looked SO HOT in her wetsuit OMG. Pippi was okay too, I guess. No Homosassa River jokes, please. Are manatees gay? Hmmm…that might work out well for me if they are. Anyway…..

Although we were all hardcore briefed on manatee abuse issues, Pippi was determined to capture and eat a manatee from these treacherous waters. Playa was successful in protecting the entire species from extinction. Feel free to send her thank you donations via pay pal for her valiant conservation efforts.

Look at her snorkeling skills!

Fortunately, the adventurous human couple let me hang out on the boat while they jumped in the 72-degree water with snorkels in search for sea cows. Pippi preferred to hang on to the side of the boat, where he was continually prodded and groped by horny manatees. Playa swam around frantically in search of deep manatee emotional connections and squealed with delight and panic at inappropriate times. Meanwhile, I took some amazing video and photography footage of these bizarre encounters with my Gnometastic 3000 Underwater Camera. One of my favorite shots is shown here, but this is just wet your whistle. You need to buy me a couple shots of bourbon before I release the really good ones to the general public.

Prior to the trip, Pippi concerned me that our guide company was super sketchy and was way mean to the manatees. I am ecstatic to report that they treated those stupid creatures with more respect than they did to me. Wait. Why does that make me ecstatic. My only complaint is that they didn’t have any wetsuits and life vests small enough for my petite gnomish (but sexy) body. I would have humped those things like they’ve never been humped. What beautiful gnomanatee babies we could have made….

Yours in lonliness and solitude,

Sheldon the Gnome