Watch Yo’ Back, Wisconsin…

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Let it be known that Wisconsin is full of gnome haters. After countless gnome sighting attempts in various regions, not a single gnome could been found.

Anyone with information to the contrary is encouraged to contact us immediately before we declare war upon your wretched territory and infiltrate your homes and gardens.

I mean, look at the stupid laws in this place! – http://www.bitoffun.com/stupid_laws_wisconsin.htm

P.S. – My photo blog of the super duper fun times in Wisconsin last weekend is coming soon!

Signed,

Maurice The Gnome

To Maurice – From Sketchy Andy – With Hate

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Dear Maurice,

I couldn’t help but notice your recent blog post about being invited to tag along on this weekend’s Devil’s Lake trip. I also couldn’t help but gag up the burrito that I had for lunch  because this is complete bullshit.

I am outdoorsy, I am adventurous, and I have a goddamn fishing pole! Okay fine, so maybe I didn’t get my application submitted on time to join this trip. But that doesn’t make you the least bit qualified for an outdoor excursion.

Your brothers are so much cooler than you are, you lazy good for nothing bum.

We are in a fight. This means war. When you get back, you’d better watch your back, because you’re just jumped to number 1 on my shit list.

Hatefully yours,

Sketchy Andy The Gnome Who Should be Going to Devil’s Lake

Homeless drunk Rumplesphincter brother headed to Devil’s Lake!

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‘Sup guys….Maurice here. I’m the middle Rumplesphincter brother who the others tend to forget about. Séamus is the oldest and I heard a rumor that he got himself all paralyzed and is working some illegal gig now. Good for him! Sheldon, the baby of the family, is a goody-two-shoes who has gotten himself famous by traveling the world and publishing his travel writing. At least one of us has been successful, I guess.

I’m a drunk. And I’m homeless. And I’ve never really made a contribution to gnomish society. But there’s enough gnomes out there doing that. I’ll just lounge in the mushrooms and stay out of their way.

I read a recent post by brother Séamus and begged him to buy me lunch. He did (!) and he told me about his recent trip to southern Illinois. I got jealous. I know I’m the deadbeat of the family, but it doesn’t seem right that I’m the only Rumplesphincter brother who has never left the outer parameter of The Gnome Abode.

Yesterday, I cleaned myself up the best I could and hand-delivered an application form to Gnomeplaya to tag along on the next adventure. Apparently not many gnomes applied for this one, so I won the spot!

I’m headed to Devil’s Lake in Wisconsin for the weekend. It just sounds cool. And evil.

Rumor has it that there will be rock climbing, camping, fishing, artwork making, horseback riding, and drinking. I’m really only interested in the drinking part, but I’ll certainly observe and report back on the rest of those active activities.

Time to stock my grog supply in preparation for the road trip.

Tally ho!

Maurice Rumplesphincter – the middle child and homeless drunk (but now traveling) gnome

Former Travel Gnome Turns Illegal Operation Coverup Gnome!

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As you may recall from my recent post, I have suffered a severe and permanent injury as a result of a fishing incident in southern Illinois. I am slowly coming to terms with my paralysis and realizing my limitations.

With no sides or back to my feet, it is unlikely that I will ever be a successful travel gnome like my asshole brother, Sheldon. I was searching for day gigs on Craigslist last night and came across a generic office job at some major corporation that’s undergoing some sort of criminal investigation. Something about an illegal gnome trade cartel or whatever.

I guess a bunch of the employees quit because of moral reasons or because they didn’t want to get arrested. I’m too pissed off and depressed to concern myself with frivolous things like morals or legality.

So I started my new job today. It seems pretty standard so far. One of my tasks is to sort through mounds of paperwork and destroying confidential documents that may incriminate the company. The piles of paperwork are pretty massive, but sneaking a peek at all this shady shit sure makes the day go by!

Another one of my tasks is to answer phone calls from really angry gnomes and try to calm them down. I don’t really get who these gnomes are. I guess they’re trade victims’ family members, reporters, detectives. My goal is to get these gnomes off topic and to chat with me about more fun things, like parades and glue sticks.

I am also in charge of fixing the printer. I guess that thing is a piece of shit and has been breaking down for years. I’m the only gnome small enough to squeeze behind the toner cartridge so I get stuck trying to fix it. Today I pushed some wires around, got covered in ink, and the damn thing still didn’t work. I hope this doesn’t affect my chances of getting a raise in a few weeks.

Well nose to the grindstone.

Séamus:

Former travel gnome, current 9-5 illegal operation cover up specialist gnome…at your service!