Anyone who has the last name “Gnome” is A-OK in my book.
I randomly encountered someone who can only be described as my dream girl. Her name is Shirley Gnome and she’s completely and wonderfully inappropriate.
To get what I’m talking about, watch her music video for “Old Man.”
Shirley Gnome is a “self-styled white trash burlesque and comedy performer. Singing her special brand of dirty, crass, and absurd ‘cuntry’ music, Shirley belts out original tunes about the embarrassing, hilarious, and titillating adventures that happen when bodies collide.”
I have yet to hear her sing much about real gnomes, but honestly, I’m a little nervous about what she’d sing anyway.
She’s become pretty popular around Vancouver and scored $20 grand for winning the People Champ of Comedy Competition in 2012 Grand Prize Winner. She’s also been nominated for a 2014 Canadian Comedy Award for Best Variety Act. Right on, m’lady!
Perhaps you recall my recent love affair with the promised land of Canada. Along with my trusty monkey companion, Peso, I traveled to Vancouver and Squamish over in British Columbia. I’ve headed a little farther east this time and found myself in Toronto.
What a beautiful city this is! I spent all yesterday riding my little gnome bicycle around Toronto Island, which was a most magnificent park on the other side of a ferry ride.
Unbeknownst to me, my first pit stop happened to be a nude beach near Hanlan’s Point. I met a camel and a monkey…both were completely nude. I thought about shedding a few layers, but honestly I haven’t worked out in months and I’m terribly out of shape. Humans seemed to enjoy walking around in sandals and not much else though.
No one wants to see a gnome with rolls.
On my way back to the dorm-like cheap motel in Scarborough, I stopped at a Shoppers Drug Mart for ice cream. Although the tiny ice cream tubs were out of my daily budget, I did discover gnomes living here!
I rescued one particular gnome on a stick from captivity. He says his name is Scarborough McCown. He’s an ornithologist.