Monthly Archives: March 2013

Love and Music – Gnome Literature Series

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Almost a month has passed since that human holiday of Valentines day….are your ears still ringing with love and music?

Yeah, neither are ours. Thank god, that sounds like the path to a serious medical condition. But on a healthier and more reasonable, note, love and music are the topics of today’s edition of the GNOME LITERATURE SERIES!

Gnomes like to hookup just as much, if not more than humans do. Here’s the down & dirty on gnome love….

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THE CLIFF’S NOTES

  • Gnome courtship is awkward
  • Gnomes refuse to pick flowers because it’s the same as murder
  • Mushrooms make chocolate better
  • Beard kissing is likely to occur

Music isn’t just to lure members of the opposite sex, but it sure does help! This ain’t your average 5th grade band class…

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THE CLIFF’S NOTES

  • The gnomish instrument of choice is the gnomecordian
  • Beards are a useful tool in playing the gnomecordian
  • Beard entanglement often occurs after performances 

Hmm…we have a few of our own musicians around The Gnome Abode who might beg to differ on this whole gnomecordian concept. I hereby call upon gnome band, Amish Meth Lab, gnome rapper, Lil’ Dimwit, and gnome DJ, Spaghetti Sauce, to supplement this book on more modern forms of gnome music. Thanks guys.

Tootaloo!
The Quick Brown Fox The Gnome

Yes, Travelocity Gnome….We WILL “Go and Smell the Roses”

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Hey Phillip Butler from Argophilia – – we gnomes have NOT gone to far. I repeat, NOT.

Smell rosesYou say you hate the Travelocity gnome? WELL, WE HATE YOU! So there. Heh.

An article was published today in this Eastern European news magazine, alleging that the Travelocity gnome is making people feel crappy about being broke.

You think the Travelocity gnome is being insensitive to people who can’t afford to see the running of the bulls in Spain? Well you’d better get your panties out of a wad and MAN UP.

Seriously people…check this out and tell me if you are really that offended – http://youtu.be/TkvLRVGPc4k – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkvLRVGPc4k

According to the PRNewswire release, Chief Marketing Officer for Travelocity America Bradley Wilson offered this:

“‘Go & Smell the Roses’ is more than a tagline in an advertising campaign, it’s a rally cry. With this new campaign we are using our most powerful asset, the iconic Roaming Gnome, to inspire and instigate people to get off the couch, to go and smell the roses.”

That’s right, Bradley….we’re behind you 100%. Despite his British accent, the Travelocity gnome isn’t some elitist prick. You don’t have to do expensive crap to hang out with gnomes. Gnomes like the cheap seats too. We’re tired of being misunderstood.

Fuming and flaming,
Alfredo The Gnome

Photo credit: Phil Butler and © Marion Wear – Fotolia.com

Gnomes and Coffee

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After a hitting the clubs til all hours of the night (and one hour less….thank YOU, Daylight Savings), the first thing on my mind is coffee.

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I love coffee so much that I surgically attached myself to one. Coffee is an essential dietary supplement for all drunk gnomes. If coffee plants all went extinct, gnomes would surely perish as well. A horrific thought….let’s change the subject.

We’re not pretentious about our brew, but we do like it strong. My additives of choice are fruity-tootie creamer and Splenda.

Today’s a double cup coffee kinda day. The gnome on the right mug is sleeping, while the gnome on the left is swinging. Give the “right guy” a little time….he’ll be bouncing off the walls soon enough.

Yours in caffeine,
Caesar The Gnome

Cupcakes and Cannibalism

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The sheer fact that there are a crap ton of gnomes in the world makes it likely that every day is some gnome’s birthday. So tell me…which of you buggas has a birthday today?

It’s not me…I’m just trying to find an excuse to celebrate and drink all day 🙂

What do gnomes want for their birthdays? Well I’ll tell you one thing they DON’T want….a stinkin’ human-made birthday cake! Gnomes are much more creative with their birthday treats. Why not make these cupcakes for your buddy down the street instead?

Gnome cupcake

And no, it’s not cannibalism. I already cleared it with our spiritual leader, EvanGelical the Gnome. He confirmed that if a gnome is made of artificial sugar, then he is okay to eat. More on gnomish cannibalism in a future post….hooray!

I am concerned, however, that this little guy’s right foot is detached. The deformed must be eaten…these are the ways of our ancestors! Ahem.

I mean, uh, happy birthday to someone!
Pablo the Gnome

A Gnome Named Larry in Philly

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POSTED: Sunday, March 3, 2013, 1:10 PM
Virginia A. Smith, Inquirer Staff Writer

“Larry’s a new product from Chive, the hipster purveyor of floral vessels and accoutrements from Toronto. This year, they have twice the floor space they’ve had in previous years. Larry comes in several colors and he isn’t a vase. He is, in the words of junior sales rep Noel Greaves, “a little guy watching over your kitchen or bathroom.” But he’s sold ($15 for one, $25 for two) as a lawn gnome. Do what you want.

Noel says Larry was created just for the show. Chive uses the flower show as a test market for its products. And this is the only show the company does. So Philly folks, feel proud.

You know, of course, that the Brits are nutty for gnomes, so you’d be within your comfort zone as a flower show-goer this year – the show being Brilliant! and all – to buy a few. Me, I’ll admire on the shelf.”

So I went to the Chive website just to see if they actually were hiding any of these lil’ buggas that were in need of rescue. Blast! Not a damn one! I hope they find their way over to the The Gnome Abode from England and Philly. I just have a hunch they’d be happier with us.

xoxo,
Spechelle The Gnome