OMG you have no freaking idea how excited I am to be a part of this drunk gnome 
blog! I have SO MUCH TO SAY! And SO MUCH TO DRINK! I spend most of my time sipping low calorie wine coolers. I have the most ginormous closet full of sexy gnomish outfits and props that I can’t wait to model for you. Today I’m sporting my spring outfit, complete with a daisy hat….because yeah I’m just THAT kinda gnome. I am super-dee-super adventurous patiently wait my turn for our Master/Goddess to select me as a travel companion. One of my arms falls off from time to time, but my gnomenurse says it’s just a flesh wound. I love you all already! HUGS AND KISSES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright gnomes,
I need a headcount for who’s coming with me to Strausburg in a couple weeks.
Would you believe that this town has a section for “Gnome News” on it’s webpage?!
The undisclosed source that shared this newspaper clipping with me was also kind enough to note an upcoming cheese festival that weekend also. GNOMES AND CHEESE? How can you go wrong.
Okay. Anyway. Headcount gnomes, headcount. Text me within the hour. Thanks. Bye.
May the sauce be with you,
Alfredo the Gnome
Even gnomes try to save a buck from time to time. Gardening and looking good don’t exactly pay well, ya know?
With that being said, I was shopping for groceries at Aldi today. Lo and behold, what did I find beyond the mediocre produce section?
GNOMES
For $8.99, you can have your very own discount grocery gnome. Who knew?! In all my days shopping at Aldi, I’ve never seen a gnome. Mad props, grocers….mad props.
Is Aldi scared of being sued is they use the proper term, “gnome”? Garden Figurine? Why be so vague? Aldi employees: feel free to respond in your defense.
Back to my tortellini,
Alfredo the Gnome
Now that we drunk gnomes have been around more than a year, we can reference posts from LAST YEAR’S HOLIDAYS! WOOT!
Check out my post from Easter 2012, where I tell you all about how gnomes and Easter just don’t get along. Easter 2013 was even more traumatic. Why, you ask?
Some freak show humans introduced us to the ancient practice of making Jell-O Jiggler eggs for Easter. I asked silly humans, “Silly humans, why are you discontent with simply turning eggs inappropriate colors like you’ve been doing for decades?
Silly humans simply shrugged and poured strange mixtures of goopy ingredients into oval-shaped molds. We were all skeptical, of course. But our souls became worn down over time and we succumed to the power of the jiggily egg.
After consuming a half a dozen, this badass gnome (who hasn’t officially introduced himself to any of us yet because apparently, he’s “too cool”) flipped over the box of Jell-O used for the eggs.
EXPIRATION DATE: 3/31/1992
1992?!
This Jell-O expired 21 years ago! Well no shit, Sherlock….no one’s been making Jell-O eggs since 1992 either!
A few of us ended up in the urgent care with IV drips. It’s hard finding medical facilities open on Easter so a few of us are still hanging out in the waiting room.
There ain’t no respect for the uninsured gnome.
Happy freaking Easter.
Another year down….
<3 Alfredo The Gnome
“A dozen garden gnomes were stolen and smashed to pieces in a bizarre incident in Cheltenham during race week.
Bernard and Cath Bond were upset when they woke up to discover that a dozen of their cherished gnomes and ornaments had been stolen from their front garden in Unwin Road, The Reddings, overnight last Thursday.
And the retired couple were reeling from the shock when a neighbour came to tell them that the gnomes and ornaments had been found smashed to pieces in a nearby alleyway.
Among the broken characters was a gnome which had belonged to Bernard’s late brother Trevor, who died in 2007.
Only its head was still intact, left lying among the shattered pieces of its former fellow garden dwellers.
“It looks like someone has taken them from the front garden and taken them down between some garages near the brook and smashed the lot,” 67-year-old Bernard said.
Grandfather Bernard, a retired bus driver, said other neighbours had had garden ornaments stolen in the past couple of days, and he believes there could be someone with a grudge against gnomes targeting them in the area.
‘How people can do something like this, I don’t know. It’s absolutely disgusting,’ he said.
‘The oldest gnome was about 15 years old.'”
I don’t have the slightest idea what “Easter spirit” is, but I do know this sure as hell ain’t it. As a gnome who was recently broken in a tragic accident, let me tell you…..we DO feel each broken piece of ceramic and we DO hate you for messing with us.
How would you like it if we ganged up and “conveniently” dropped ourselves on your toe? How whack would you look (and walk) with one less toe than you currently have?!
Help us bring these blast Brits to justice. If you have any information on these (or any other) despicable gnome smashers, write to us at [email protected]. We’ll get to the bottom of this disgrace and break their sorry faces off.
Love and hugs!
Alfredo The (recovering, and doing pretty dang well) Gnome
Hey Phillip Butler from Argophilia – – we gnomes have NOT gone to far. I repeat, NOT.
You say you hate the Travelocity gnome? WELL, WE HATE YOU! So there. Heh.
An article was published today in this Eastern European news magazine, alleging that the Travelocity gnome is making people feel crappy about being broke.
You think the Travelocity gnome is being insensitive to people who can’t afford to see the running of the bulls in Spain? Well you’d better get your panties out of a wad and MAN UP.
Seriously people…check this out and tell me if you are really that offended – http://youtu.be/TkvLRVGPc4k – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkvLRVGPc4k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkvLRVGPc4k&feature=player_detailpage#t=0s
According to the PRNewswire release, Chief Marketing Officer for Travelocity America Bradley Wilson offered this:
“‘Go & Smell the Roses’ is more than a tagline in an advertising campaign, it’s a rally cry. With this new campaign we are using our most powerful asset, the iconic Roaming Gnome, to inspire and instigate people to get off the couch, to go and smell the roses.”
That’s right, Bradley….we’re behind you 100%. Despite his British accent, the Travelocity gnome isn’t some elitist prick. You don’t have to do expensive crap to hang out with gnomes. Gnomes like the cheap seats too. We’re tired of being misunderstood.
Fuming and flaming,
Alfredo The Gnome
Photo credit: Phil Butler and © Marion Wear – Fotolia.com