Author Archives: Alfredo

About Alfredo

OMG you have no freaking idea how excited I am to be a part of this drunk gnome blog! I have SO MUCH TO SAY! And SO MUCH TO DRINK! I spend most of my time sipping low calorie wine coolers. I have the most ginormous closet full of sexy gnomish outfits and props that I can’t wait to model for you. Today I’m sporting my spring outfit, complete with a daisy hat….because yeah I’m just THAT kinda gnome. I am super-dee-super adventurous patiently wait my turn for our Master/Goddess to select me as a travel companion. One of my arms falls off from time to time, but my gnomenurse says it’s just a flesh wound. I love you all already! HUGS AND KISSES!!!!!!!!!!!!

ATTACK OF THE GNOMBIES!!!

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We have received urgent alerts from three new Gnome Scouts about Gnombies (a.k.a. gnome zombies) beginning to infiltrate the gnome world.

Alerts have been posted all over the Interweb!

http://9gag.com/gag/4335350

http://imgur.com/gallery/jQGdI

I feel that none of us are prepared for this attack. I mean look at those things! How could any gnome be prepared for tha…tha….THAT?!? Who can we trust?!

The buzz around The Abode is that all this somehow tied to that whole face eating thing down in Miami, but I’m not so sure…

I’ve been trying to do some online research and my search results are coming up sketchy. There’s some You Tube videos out there, but they all seem pretty human-zombie-specific.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l9ocz8jlKs

Regardless I have found evidence that the gnombie population is drastically increasing.

Even mommies and babies are being affected!

I write this post as a desperate plea to all the zombie experts out there….both in the gnome world and the human world. We need to stick together! We need to defeat this evil species (even if they are trendy at the moment)! We need to keep our blood and brains inside ourselves!

Sitting by my g-Phone, waiting for your expert advice,

Alfredo The Gnome

Why Gnomes Hate Everything About Easter

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Ah thank goodness this dreaded day called Easter has come and gone. This is one of the worst holidays we gnomes are ever put through. We have been in hiding all weekend, fearing for our lives. Although we are constantly terrorized and persecuted by bunny rabbits, Easter brings them out in full force.

Today I tried a new strategy….I dressed up like a bunny rabbit. I hoped that my clever disguise would keep them at bay and make less attempts to devour me.

As you can tell from my typing of this post, I survived the bloodbaths that those evil bunny rabbits caused our Gnome Abode. I can’t say the same for all of my brethren out here in the yard. I am still a bit too fearful to leave my post at this time, but I can tell a couple gnome brothers have been knocked over and dismembered. I can’t bear to even look without my ceramic stomach churning.

Not only due the bunny rabbits stage a full force attack on Easter, the neighborhood children provide backup troops. They run through the fragile alleyways of The Gnome Abode in search of colorful eggs, while having no regard for any gnomes that get in the way of their evil savage ways. 

It’s pretty ugly over here. I just wanted to let the world knowthat I am still alive and that we will be coping with the aftermath throughout the wee hours of the morning.

I am starting up a collection for the rebuilding our lives during this tragic time and any donations are much appreciated. Go over to Chase Bank and tell them you’re looking to donate to The Gnome Abode Disaster. They’ll know exactly how to direct your funds in the best way possible. Medical attention is needed and cleanup crews are needed, first and foremost. We will also be using your donations to invest in more bunny rabbit disguise suits for next year avoid such devastating tragedies in the future. We will also be using your donations to buy whiskey, because well, today sucked and those of us who survived need to get shitfaced.

Thank you in advance for your kindness during this wretched holiday of despair,

Alfredo The Gnome

 

Mush! Gee! Haw! Easy! Whoa!

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This past weekend, I experienced something that very few gnomes can ever lay claim to. DOG SLEDDING! Master and Goddess of all gnomekind, Alyssa, was kind enough to take my brother and I in her coat pocket to experience the mushing first hand.

We give all the credit to two amazing guide companies who have a true passion for their dog and the sport of mushing. S&L Arctic K9 Dog Sledding (http://www.dogsledmichigan.com/) and OCM Mushing (http://www.ocm-mushing.com/).

Look at me! I’m the one in the pointy orange hat mushing dogs!

Gnome Mush

Our guides were incredibly knowledgeable and had a true passion for the sport. They have taken their dogs up to Alaska in a pimp-mobile to compete in Iditarod. The dogs so well behaved and treated so well by owners. Some dogs were even fashionable enough to bring the 80’s back with leg warmers!

Doggie leg warmers

If anyone knows of any breeders of miniature Alaskan huskies, please contact me through this blog. I’d love to start collecting them for form the world’s first gnome mushing team and amaze the world as it has never been amazed before.

Covered in fur, still shivering, but super obsessed,

Alfredo the Gnome