Author Archives: Caesar

About Caesar

I’m that weird guy in your office who seems to need an IV drip of coffee at all times to function at a normal gnome-like level. Everyone always thinks I must an overworked insomniac and could also really use a shower.

Then one day I try to make out with you in the supply closet. My breath reeks of Bailey’s Irish Cream Liquor! It all makes sense to you now! I’ve never been drinking coffee at all! So you let me make out with you. Eh, why not? You’e probably had worse.

I contribute occasionally in the ‘Gnome Brew Review’ Category. I’m opinionated, sneaky, and like to be handled (wink wink).

Calling all culinary artists!

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Check out pages 200 and 201. Sure the link looks intimidating, but you won’t regret it. I command you! DO IT!

For the love of all that is holy and gnomish in the world, would someone please help me make these?

http://books.google.com/books?id=WSYITbzBWRMC&pg=PA200&lpg=PA200&dq=Karen+tack+gnome&source=bl&ots=xRvJ8PRzKp&sig=Ryl5aR44CCRqujmgsdbJh5l7dPI&hl=en&sa=X&ei=76peT4_LGtLTgAfHmo2ECA&ved=0CCMQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

I know I’ve never been the most domestic gnome by any means, but a fond old roommate of mine sent me this link and I am truly inspired. The last cupcake I made about ten years ago looked something like this. As you can see I need some serious help.

 

Sheldon was just reading over my shoulder (I HATE when he does that) and says that eating gnome-shaped desserts is a slippery slope to a downward spiral of cannibalism. I pointed out that cannibalism is typically only used in terms of humans, and obviously we aren’t human. Therefore, since there is no such word in the dictionary as “gnomabilism”, I win this argument and I can make my cupcakes with a clear conscious.

Contact me anytime, day or night, if you can provide some artistic guidance help making my baking wishes come true. Please, freaking please.

Sugary sweet rotten teeth of pure bliss,

Caesar the Gnome

Half Acre Cipher Review

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What up party people?! Drizzunk Caesar in da house!

One of my toughest dwarf critics made a sly side comment to me at our local dive bar last night about this “Drunk Gnome Blog” not having enough blogging about drinking. So I dedicate this post to Sneeze, Dopey, Doc, and all you other judgmental fuckers.

Last night I tried a new brew. It’s called Cipher, a Belgian Blonde, from Half Acre in Chicago. Anyone else ever tried it? If so, I’d be interested to hear opinions from human taste buds such as yours.

Half Acre Cipher Bottle (empty of course)

I’ve always been a big fan of Belgian Blondes (both the beers and the broads, of course). It pumps in a good 7.5% of alcohol and I picked up a pint at the Half Acre Brewery on Lincoln Avenue. I found the beer to be pleasant and drinkable, but nothing to write home about. Not that I ever write home about anything anyway. My home sucks. A pile of dirt next to a watering can is nothing to brag about.

Nothing was terribly memorable about it but it had a light flavor that didn’t make me feel like a Fatty MaGoo. It had flavor, but nothing that made me orgasm my socks off either.

More memorable than the beer itself is the label on the beer bottle. Apparently this beer was just released last week and the label holds a cryptic messages to “Cipher”. GET IT?! Someone over there thinks they’re freaking clever.

Rumor has it that if you can decipher the code on the label, you win a brewery tour for you and your 10 closest friends as well as a VIP already-sold-out hacker conference in Chicago.

http://beerstreetjournal.com/half-acres-cipher-is-a-beer-a-hidden-code/

Gnomes aren’t known for their tech savvy nature by any means, but this sounds like a great reason to go rummaging through the recycling bin in my back alley to find that bottle and get really high and cross my eyes and see a mystical image that explains the meaning of life.

Stumbling to the recycling bin and finding the meaning of life,

Caesar The Gnome