About Caesar

I’m that weird guy in your office who seems to need an IV drip of coffee at all times to function at a normal gnome-like level. Everyone always thinks I must an overworked insomniac and could also really use a shower.

Then one day I try to make out with you in the supply closet. My breath reeks of Bailey’s Irish Cream Liquor! It all makes sense to you now! I’ve never been drinking coffee at all! So you let me make out with you. Eh, why not? You’e probably had worse.

I contribute occasionally in the ‘Gnome Brew Review’ Category. I’m opinionated, sneaky, and like to be handled (wink wink).

Bigger is Better…for Gnomes in Wisconsin

Perhaps your read our post about a big ass gnome Iowa. Or maybe you heard about other big ass gnomes in New York and Vancouver from us.

Well in the spirit of “bigger is better,” the great (?) state of Wisconsin jumps on the big ass gnome bandwagon with a pointy hatted fellow made of wood.


There’s a logger dude named Nick Uecker in Door County, Wisconsin who has become our new hero. This guy teamed up with a Michigan chain saw sculptor, James Denkins, with a mission of turning a 58-inch diameter log into a gnome.

This gnome is standing a whopping 21 feet and 6 inches high, which blows the American competition out of the garden. The guys just finished painting it at the end of June and it was going for a Guinness Book Record for the world’s largest wooden gnome. Unfortunately, that dumb book doesn’t distinguish between types of gnomes or gnome material.


That Vancouver Island gas station bugga made of scrap metal is 25 feet and 11 inches tall. Whomp whomp.

Regardless, I smell another road trip coming up!

Apparently, there’s gonna be a “name the gnome” contest soon. Any ideas?

Photo credit: Door County Advocate

Gnomes and Coffee


After a hitting the clubs til all hours of the night (and one hour less….thank YOU, Daylight Savings), the first thing on my mind is coffee.

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I love coffee so much that I surgically attached myself to one. Coffee is an essential dietary supplement for all drunk gnomes. If coffee plants all went extinct, gnomes would surely perish as well. A horrific thought….let’s change the subject.

We’re not pretentious about our brew, but we do like it strong. My additives of choice are fruity-tootie creamer and Splenda.

Today’s a double cup coffee kinda day. The gnome on the right mug is sleeping, while the gnome on the left is swinging. Give the “right guy” a little time….he’ll be bouncing off the walls soon enough.

Yours in caffeine,
Caesar The Gnome

LaChouffe Gnomes Spotted at Local Bar


As we all know, LaChouffe is the most famous (and maybe the only?) gnome brewery out there. We gnomes love good beer, especially when our distant Belgian relatives are famously displayed on the bottles!

We also love seeing our Belgian counterpats pop up in unexpected bars around the world. Most recently, LaChouffe gnomes were spotted at a bar called The Green Lady in Chicago.

Where else have YOU spotted the LaChouffe gnome?

Please let us know so we can be sure to support those bars too…..and so we can go get drunk there ASAP!

Drink up, gnomes. Because for goshsake…it’s Tuesday and it’s not gonna be again for a week!
Caesar The “party with one suspender strap flying” Gnome

Why Three Floyds Brewery Needs To Just Die

1. Impossible to get in

For the second time, I had to give up on getting in this so-called beer
establishment. What is this…a goddamn night club?!

2. Assholes & douche bags run the place

Talk to anyone there and the words “asshole” and “douche” just roll right off the tongue like molasses. The door guy? Asshole. The dude pouring beer? Douche.

The bartender? The waitress?  I wouldn’t know because I can’t get in. I’m sure he’s an asshole and she’s a douche though.

3. Overly hoppy beer

If I wanted to drink a plant, I’d go have a salad. Tone it down Floyd, Floyd, and Floyd….my taste buds want to punch you in the ear.

4. It’s always raining in Munster, Indiana

I gotta wait outside for at least an hour while they  muddle through other gnomes’ sub par service? Waiting outside in the rain?! As if Munster, Indiana wasn’t depressing enough already!

5. Indiana

Enough said.

6. Pretentious attitude

These bitches need to get off their high horse and actually do their job. So what if you’ve had a couple decent reviews. Here’s a crappy review! Take this and shove it underneath your upcoming “going out of business” sign!

7. Website hurts my eyes

So many bright colors. Why? Why is this necessary? I’m hungover and my eyes are  dripping from infectious tears, not only from your bright colors, but also from the sight of your sorry asses.

8. Impossible to get a growler filled

Once I gave up waiting to get a table, I thought I could at least get a growler of beer filled in the line on the side of the restaurant. Boy, was I wrong! Dude pouring beer looked like he had never seen a tap before.

After what seemed like days of endless waiting while he counted how many letter “A’s” were printed on his paycheck stub, I had to give up getting a growler fill too. Beerless! GAH!

9. No drinking while waiting

The least you douches could do is let me get wasted on your shitty beer while I wait for hours to get seated in your shitty restaurant. But NooooOOOOoooooo. I have to wait around outside in the rain, stone cold sober?!

You’re located in an office park full of cars! C’mon. What’s the worst that could happen?

10. T-shirts don’t come in gnome sizes

Human sizes small, medium, and large? That’s it? Really? Wow. Can you not figure out how to run the numbers and see what percentage of your customers are gnomes?I’m not good at math, but it’s freaking high!

Yet you STILL refuse to accommodate “our kind”. Who do you think you are? Chick-Fil-A?!


Caesar The Gnome

Why I Hate Sheldon: Reason #358

#358: Because the little bastard is getting worldwide fame and attention.

Check this shit out: http://ourlasvegas.wordpress.com/the-gnomes-gallery-2/

I pick up the morning newspaper and what do I find? Sheldon and Gnomeplaya have apparently exploded on the Las Vegas indie art scene! They’re currently posted as the second picture down, in which the reclining gnome is apparently checking out Gnomeplaya’s ass. Scandalous.

But what about the rest of us? What websites are the rest of us featured on? Well, I mean, besides this one….which doesn’t really count.

I did a little research in my sober downtime today about this whole “Our Las Vegas” ordeal. Apparently, artist Jesse Carson Smigel of this Gnot the Proper Gnomenclature project. http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/news/2012/may/02/whats-giant-gnomes-arts-district/

As I hacked into Gnomeplaya’s laptop, I found an array of other photographs documenting this epic gnomish encounter that NONE OF US other than Sheldon were made a part of.

I confronted Sheldon about this issue. He simply said that they were big gnomes made of foam and it was nothing to get my panties in a bunch about. Little does he know, I don’t wear panties. Commando baby!

Sheldon went on to say that Vegas wasn’t any place we should be jealous of. Apparently it was almost 100 degrees and he had a couple bad rounds of poker.

As convincing as the dude is, I’m still pissed. I’m attached to a mug for godssake! I could be carried around so much easier than his fat ass.

Jealously raging with my mug full of vodka on a Friday night because obviously I’m not ever going to be rich or famous. GAH!

Sheldon, you are my enemy. And you are going down. Down to a place that no gnome should ever see. Like the inside of a frat house toilet. Yeah. I went there.


Caesar The Gnome