Author Archives: DoorsOpenOnTheLeftAtClarkAndLake

About DoorsOpenOnTheLeftAtClarkAndLake

Greetings, fellow gnomelings!

I’m Horace’s younger brother from the city! Much like my brother, I love nature. However, I was kidnapped and brainwashed by an evil troll last February. I was living in a subway tunnel at the intersection of Clark and Lake, where doors open on the left.

Since my memory was wiped clean, the words of the train conductor are the only real truths that I can recall. Using my trusty shovel, I dug my way through the subway tunnel and after six months, I have been reunited with my brother at The Gnome Abode.

Hi new friends!

Are Gnomes descendants of Chinese demons from the Tang Dynasty?

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If you happened to read yesterday’s blog post, you know that Horace went to an art museum and stole a bunch of stuff. Good for him! Anyway, last night around the dinner table, he was telling me about something really disturbing that he found during his theft expedition.

Chinese demons of the Tang Dynasty.

Check ’em out. REALLY check ’em out. Don’t they kinda sorta look like gnomes?!

I always thought of myself as a white dude gnome with a good soul. But are all of us really part Chinese?

AND PART DEMON!?!?

This is crazy disturbing. These demons hung out from in 600’s to the 900’s AD and apparently were pretty hardcore.

The Oxford Dictionary of Asian Mythology says:
Demons or gui, are prevalent in the Chinese mythological world. Gui also refers to the secondary soul that is separated from the higher  soul (hun) at death. The superior soul becomes spirit (shen), and  if not treated properly in a ritualistic sense, gui can become a ghost or bad demon. Important demons are Chiyou,  who fought against the Yellow Emperor, Huangdi (see Chiyou, Huangdi); Gonggong  (see Gonggong), who  destroyed one of the pillars of the world with his enormous horn, causing  turmoil on earth; and the Four Evils, which any new sovereign had to over-come  upon assuming rule.

Are there any gnome religious leaders out there? Anyone?! I have so many questions and don’t know where to turn!

Scared to be a demon,
DoorsOpenOnTheLeftAtClarkAndLake the Gnome

Climbing to California and Drinking to Belgium

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My brother and awesome gnome rock climbing champion, Horace, let me tag along with him to his favorite climbing gym and post-climbing beers.

His gym, Vertical Endeavors, has daily specials for ‘student night’, ‘ladies night’, and ‘gnome night. Horace taught me how to belay and I only dropped him twice! Fortunately, he’s developed a lot of ceramic callouses from climbing so much and sustained only minor scratches and dents. He successfully climbed his first ever 5.10c. Numbers? Letters? I have no idea what that means, but he seemed pretty dang pleased with himself.

I got about 3 inches off the ground, which I was pretty dang pleased about considering that I’m about 3 inches tall.

He tells me that I’d better step up my game though because his goal is to climb the Gnome Dome in the San Bernardino Mountains of California by the end of the year. Oh boy.

Apparently post-climbing beers are mandatory in climbing culture. I can get on board with that!

We went to a bar called World of Beer, and oh what a splendid time we had! Being the “play it on the safe side” kind of gnome, that I am, I ordered one of my all-time favorites, Delirium Tremens. That silly pink elephant gets me every time!

My adventurous brother ordered a draft of Greenbush Loudmouth Soup. “Soup?” I asked him….”Soup!?”.

He smiled, nodded and fished out a handful of mushrooms to pay for our beers.

He let me take a sip of his soup, which tasted nothing like any soup I’ve ever had before. From this moment forward, I will be open-minded enough to drink any and all kinds of soup presented to me.

Since it was a Thursday night and we both had to work in the morning, Horace decided that we shouldn’t get wasted. He must know best. But I did want to get wasted. Sometimes having a big brother is a pain in the ass.

For desert, we got some odd “mixed beer” that had a chocolate beer and and orange beer. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept and I still can’t. Stop making me try….my head hurts, okay?

As the server was bringing us our bill, I spotted something red and pointy out of the corner of my eye. Our favorite brewery, La Chouffe, had their sign hung behind the bar! There was also a gnome dude hanging out on a shelf above the taps who looked exactly like the famous La Chouffe gnome from Belgium! (An impersonator, perhaps?)

What a gnome-friendly bar! Next, I must find my way to California and to Belgium! But…how?

Happy Friday!
Doors Open on the Left at Clark and Lake, The Gnome

From the subway tunnel to the city park: An inspirational gnome story

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I assume you all know my gnome brother, Horace. After years of separation, we have finally been reunited in The Gnome Abode! I didn’t even know I had a brother. But, cool!

All the details are still fuzzy, but based upon from the MGR (missing gnome report) that Horace showed me, I was kidnapped by an evil troll living below Gnomeland’s underground subway tunnel. I don’t know what the troll wanted from me or why he chose me specifically. All I do know is that my memory was erased down there. Probably for the best.

Saturday night, I woke up with a terrible headache and my brother, Horace, was standing over me. I only knew that he was my brother, Horace, because he told me he was my brother, Horace. I have no memories, remember?! Plus, we kind of look alike.

Well I take that back….I do remember one thing. “Doors open on the left at Clark and Lake”. Those words ring in my ears at all times. I can only assume that some sort of recording played those words over and over down in the subway tunnel while I was held captive by that evil troll. Since that’s the only thing I can remember, that is what I have chosen as my name. Makes sense, right?

Horace told me that he had left The Gnome Abode to rescue me. I don’t know how he knew where I was. You’ll have to ask Horace for those details.

Yesterday was my first day of freedom! Horace took me to the park and introduced me to liquor and art! Here I am sitting in the sunshine (my ears got so sunburned!) on a beach towel in the park! The light of day! The beautiful light of day!

Horace taught me how to mix something called vodka with something called aloe vera juice. Very tasty!

He also taught me how to draw with colored pencils. I can only assume that he’s a world famous artist. I mean just look at how many different colors of pencils he has!

Horace also taught me how to take what he calls a photograph. He let me borrow his fancy camera and I took a photograph of this tree. I think it’s pretty cool.

I love the outdoors! I’m never going under ground ever, ever again!

Death to trolls,

Doors Open On The Left At Clark And Lake, The Gnome

(P.S. – any suggestions for revenge upon trolls would be greatly appreciated)