So I’ve been riding around with this gansta thug straight out of rehab named Lil’ Dimwit for awhile now. There are times when a girl’s just gotta lower her standards down a notch or two. He says he’s this famous gnome rapper, but I’m not so sure. He mumbles with a mouth full of marbles even when he talks, so I can’t imagine how that marble mouth would rap.
Anyway, he has become totally obsessed with me. He thinks I’m his soul mate just because I let him touch my boob a couple times as a “thank you” for letting me hitch along. I did a tarot card reading for him and it turned out pretty positive, so I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t making a horrible mistake. Tarot readings aren’t completely fool proof. I’m also getting really freaked out about all the times he’s had to swerve to avoid oncoming traffic because he’s too distracted feeling me upin the passenger. Okay, so I am just wearing my seat belt and nothing else so I can work on my tan in the convertible. But still! I don’t understand why he can’t keep his eyes on the road!
I keep having more and more doubts about this arrangement and my safety. And I saw a sign this morning that we were less than an hour from Vegas. I’ve always wanted to see Vegas.
Today I drew my daily tarot card and this is what I got…THE DEATH CARD.
The Death Card doesn’t mean physical death. It’s all about transition, transformation, rebirth, and permanent change. It symbolizes a sweeping away of the old to make way for the new. With this in mind, I knew I needed to leave Lil’ Dimwit behind and try my hand at Vegas.
Lil’ stopped to fuel up just outside the city limits. I excused myself to the ladies room. And I never saw that groping bastard again.
It was still daytime so I couldn’t see the bright lights of the Vegas strip yet. But one landmark stood out above the rest….The Stratosphere.
I hitched my way to The Stratosphere and found my way to the pool to continue on with my sunbathing. There was just enough room under the pool gate for a gnome to sneak under without having resort reservations. Whew. After all, those seat belt straps made some nasty tan lines on the ride. Oddly enough, I ran into Sheldon at the pool. That kid is absolutely everywhere! I can’t believe how much he gets around!
No more than five minutes of sunning myself passed before this big poppa gnome strutted by my lounge chair and asked if the most beautiful gnome at the pool would prefer a piña colada or a strawberry daiquiri. “One of each, if you really wanna impress me,” I replied.
Smiling to myself at my effortless luck with hot men gnomes, I pretended to read a magazine and waited for my two drinks to arrive. Moments later, here he was with an entire tray of drinks as well as jello shots. Saaaa-weeeet!
My new favorite dude introduced himself as Hubert H. Humperdinker and gave me the Cliff’s Notes of his life story. Apparently he used to be a prison guard and some criminal arrested for illegal gnome trafficking escaped from the jail cell he was in charge of. However, instead of doing his job, he hired a hooker and was having his way with her in another cell across the hall. I guess the convict is still on the loose and Hubert was quickly out of the job.
He said I could call him “Humps” and I snapped this quick pic of him with my g-Phone.
He seems totally paranoid and suspicious of everyone, so he carries around a poisonous frog for protection. I think the frog’s kinda cute though, so I don’t mind. He also seems to have some sort of neck condition because his head bobs around a lot. It seems like one of those “don’t ask, don’t tell” kinda things for someone you just met.
Anyway, I’m going to continue slamming these jello shots with Humps and see where the day/evening/tomorrow takes us. Thank you, Death Card. The transition has happened, let the transformation begin!
Slippery, slutty, & slightly sunburned,
Roxy The Gnome
I don’t know why I’m bothering to work, really. Jobs are kinda lame. Dude gnomes just buy stuff for me because, well…you know. I think I just like the diner because it’s named after me.
Anyway, she loaned me a book to read today and told me that I’d love it. I was like, a book? Reading? LAME! But she’s like uh uh girlfriend, it’s gnome porn….just check it out, bitch.
