Author Archives: Seamus

About Seamus

I am Séamas, but everyone just knows me as Travel Gnome Sheldon’s little brother. Ever since we were kids, I’ve always been in the shadow of his pointed hat.

No one tells me anything. I was just informed today that there is a gnome blog out there that apparently others in The Gnome Abode have been writing in for months now.

But you know what? I’ve had enough. II refuse to be ignored. Now is my time to shine. Fuck my brother. I am Séamas….hear me roaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!

Headless Dolls: A Monday Afternoon Stroll

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Nothing breaks up the ho-hum of the start of another grueling week in the The Gnome Abode like a Monday afternoon stroll.

It was rather pleasant outside today, and I found myself craving eggplant. Perhaps you didn’t know it, but gnomes LOVE eggplant.

After picking myself a fresh one at the Mexi-market, I put one ceramic foot in front o the other down California Avenue. Lo and behold, just before I reached Cortland, I laid eyes on a trapped gnome!

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He was faded from the sun and flanked by reflectors! Why are reflectors needed? Is there danger of traffic in this yard? This is no place for a gnome. He didn’t even have any fellow gnomes living in the near vicinity.

This is a call to action for all residents near the Mexi-market. Feed this gnome….he’s pale as shit. Bathe this gnome…it smells like he rarely gets a wash. And bring this gnome a lady…he looks awfully lonely.

The only company nearby was this…whatever this is..

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Headless dolls. Covered in paint. Plucked out eyes. Children’s handwriting about saving a school.

WHAT?!?!??!

This was creepy to say the least. Save the wayward gnome….save him. Somebody.

Sincerely,
Seamus the Gnome

The Day I Met a Dog

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As a wee lil’ gnome, I once read storybook about these strange creatures called dogs. I always figured they were mythical beings, much like mermaids or wizards.

Today, I was proven wrong. Because I have met a dog. A real. Life. Dog. They DO exist!

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As you may know, Ramon LeBeef (pictured in green on the left) is a HUGE animal rights activist. Apparently, he met this lil’ bugga on the southbound 49 bus the other day and invited him over for dinner.

Lil’ bugga’s name is Pepe. I guess he’s alright, but I don’t really get what his deal is. He ate his dinner in about three bites. He makes this weird sound that Ramon refers to as a “bark”. He only pees and poops outside (who does that?!) Ramon says that if he eats even one chocolate chip he’ll have to have his stomach pumped. What a sad, sad existence.

Some of the lady gnomes said that he was super soft to cuddle with. I do NOT cuddle. I tried bonding with Pepe in the only way I know how to. By offering him a beer.

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He didn’t seem interested in beer and he didn’t seem interested in me. Hmmph. Are dogs inherently sober? If so, I’m not sure that we’ll ever get along. Is this dog below the legal canine drinking age?  Are they more into hard liquor?

I really hope Ramon makes a follow up post to explain dogs to me and the rest of us gnomes. Hint hint, Ramon.

Utterly baffled,
Seamus The Gnome

Scenes from the 36th Annual Festival of the Gnomes!

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We gnomes tend to be technologically challenged and slow moving. Not to mention that uploading pictures with nubby little hands is really difficult.

BUT…

We finally got our pictures from the December 1st Festival of the Gnomes uploaded!

We’re planning on writing an extensive review of the event for an upcoming International Gnome Club Newsletter, but in the meantime….we thought we’d share some pictures!

Sheldon and I attended the event which was hosted by Billie Limacher of the Bicentennial Park in Joliet, Illinois.

The event sold out! Ticket sales were at an all-time high and gnomes and gnome fans came from miles and miles to participate in this day of gnomish celebration.

There were tons of gnome crafts made by local artists. Check some of these out!

There was music…

There was a raffle for a handcrafted plush gnome doll. We didn’t win and we’re still pissed.

There was a magnificent musical play that was performed at 1:00 and 3:30pm that day.

Child actors, adult actors, and actual gnomes sang, danced, and acted out skits that were all relevant to our gnomish way of life.

I’ve never been to any event quite like this. It had absolutely everything a gnome could hope for. EXCEPT BOOZE. The only suggestion I have for the 37th Annual Festival next year is an ample supply of LaChouffe and Gnomegang.

Wish ya could have been there to experience the day with us….maybe next year….and maybe drunk.

xoxo,
Seamus The Gnome

Seamus Challenges Brother in Heated Gnome Presidential Race

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My brother, Sheldon, is such a pretentious ass. Who does he think he is, proposing a gnomish democracy and all?!

Well, if he thinks that he’s going take over The Gnome Abode UNCONTESTED, then he’s got another thing coming! Let this blog post serve as notice of my intention to run for the office of President of The Gnome Abode!

I’m really not sure what the job of President entails because we’ve never had one. Regardless, I think I’d make a better one than my brother. Why, you ask?

Well, while he spent all those years trotting around the globe, I was sitting back here  making loads of cash. Odd jobs here, odd jobs there, an inheritance that mysterious was sent to me…it’s all been padding my bank account. And all while I’ve been spending my precious time getting to know all of you each and every day, right here at home.

That’s right, gnomes, I’ve got money!

Just think of all the things that we can do with lots of money! We can build roads! We can start a school! We can build a hospital! We can buy lots and lots of booze!!!

A vote for Seamus is a vote for money! I figure that there will be some sort of debate and/or battle-to-the-death scheduled soon. I’ll wait patiently until I receive proper notice to show up and whoop Sheldon’s ass. You humans may have wrapped up your election last night, but we gnomes are just getting started.

I hope King Jerry is okay with all of this. Hmm.

Your fearless wannabe leader,
Seamus The (Brother of Choice) Gnome

A Garden Gnome Theme Park? In Germany!?

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Surely, a field trip to Germany is in order!

It has recently come to our attention that there is an garden gnome theme park in Trusetal, Central Germany. According to NorthJersey.com,

“The Garden Gnome Theme Park with more than 2,000 garden gnomes is visited by more than 100,000 people each year.”

Here’s a shot of some of our distant relatives living in the theme park. Looks like the conditions are pretty crowded, don’t you think? Silly Germans never learn.

Look! Gnomes over there are drunk just like us! Chug-a-lug, buddy!

And this is a shot of some German chick, Birgit Leinhas, cleaning one of the gnomes in the park.

EXCUSE ME, BIRGIT! WE CAN CLEAN OURSELVES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Your new field trip coordinator,
Seamus The Gnome