Author Archives: Sheldon

About Sheldon

I am by far the most adventurous gnome of the bunch. Look at my adventure satchel and gaze into the distance, for godssake!

You may recall reading about my recent tropical excursion with manatees in the Homosassa River. I’m the lead travel/adventure bloggers and am looking forward to revealing all the gnomish details about upcoming trips to California, Utah, and Las Vegas. I has been a driving motivation for Master/Goddess of All Gnomekind, to enroll in a travel writing program at Matador U to join me in documenting all of our gnomish travels around the world.

A Vote for Sheldon is a Vote for Gnome Democracy!

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I can’t help but pick up on all the human chatter about the elections today. Humans all around the United States of American are waiting in lines to color in boxes in tiny booths to express their freedom.

As a gnome, I generally feel pretty free. But when I stop to actually think about it, I guess that I’m really not free at all! The Gnome Abode has a king….King Jerry….and no society with a King can really be free. Sure, Monarchies have kinda sorta worked for some nations in the past. But I’m not so sure that a Monarchy best fits the gnomish way of life.

With that being said, I hereby announce that I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE GNOME ABODE!

If The Gnome Abode has a constitution or even any kind of written set of laws, well, I haven’t seen it. And I don’t think it exists. And if it does exist, it’s probably bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, King Jerry is an alright guy. He’s the kinda guy I like to have a beer with from time to time and bitch about women with. But he is not a leader.

Leaders are supposed to hold meetings and propose changes that will help gnomes in our community. Leaders are supposed to negotiate trade with foreign gnome lands and sign peace treaties with neighboring human nations.

I can do all of these things for you…and more!

As a retired travel gnome, I have seen a lot and learned a lot throughout my years. I have an understanding about how other gnomish societies are run and what we can do to improve upon our own.

In a Democratic society, there must always be choices and these choices should be left up to the gnomes who live in it. I encourage all of your gnomes reading this to consider running against me for the office of President, but with me for the ideal of Democracy.

Potential candidates should make a formal announcement via blog post if they wish to be considered for the race. The cut off date to post your announcement is one week from today, November 14th, so that should give you plenty of time to develop your platforms. After that, I will coordinate a debate about the candidates’ platforms and develop a board of elections to host a formal vote in the upcoming weeks.

Also, I will need a running mate. If any of you are interested in having a fun-sounding title and doing very little work, let me know! A second name on the ballot will give me just enough diversity to win, and for that I thank you in advance.

May the best gnome (ME!) win!
Sheldon “Presidential Candidate #1” The Gnome

 

SHELDON PARALYZED?!?!

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Just FYI – I got in a bar fight and I’ve been paralyzed. I’m too drugged up to remember anything else after that last sweet tea vodka.

I’m held together by Scotch tape and have serious concerns about the quality of healthcare in Texas.

Miserable and humiliated. Somebody send me fucking flowers.

Sheldon the paralyzed gmome

Drunken Texas Update

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Everything’s bigger in Texas…..especially the drinks!

San Antonio was pretty fun….some amazing photos of me are forthcoming! Patience my darlings! Just got to Austin and preparing for tomorrow’s adventures.

I found this Kindle Fire in the hotel lobby and “borrowed” it before hitting the hot tub. There’s a show about ghost hunting on the Travel Channel and half a bottle of chocolate cake vodka on nightstand so all is honkey dorey.

I had a minor mishap that landed me in the ER earlier today but I’m still totally emotional and would rather not discuss the ordeal at the moment so don’t push me motha#&-%*!

Shoutout to my gnomies at The Abode!

What’s up with these monkeys who keep posting on our blog? Sure they’re nice and all but don’t monkeys have their own blog? Ive never even seen the monkeys drunk. I don’t trust anyone who isn’t drunk.

Sheldon the Temporary Texan