All week I’ve been trying to get used to living in the Gnome Abode and trying to understand the social dynamic around this joint. I always thought of myself as an open minded gnome, but then again I’ve never been surrounded by so much diversity.

I grew up just wasting time backwoods of bumblefuck with my slackline buddies betting quarters on who could pull off the most whacked out tricks. Those were the days….I miss those guys. No one judged me for being too tall or too short or too bearded. Being on tour as a world class athlete can be difficult sometimes.

The big gnomes here don’t even seem to notice me. If only they knew how hard I could kick their asses. If only they could hear me from all the way down here so I could tell them…

You’d think that the gnomes that were closer to my height would be friendlier, but they’re not. They keep criticizing my hygiene and I don’t understand it. This one dude is OCD about brushing his teeth, another won’t stop combing his beard, and some Fatty McGoo is always checking his weight but never doing anything to shed the chub. I’m a gnome of the wilderness, where hygiene is overrated. I don’t really want those sort of pansies as buddies anyway, so whatever.

If my little Lego hand had a middle finger, I would have flipped it at every gnome here today. I hit an all time low point of loneliness this evening. So rather than mope around and get wasted like I usually do, I decided to slip outside the sliding glass door and explore the back yard. Much to my surprise, I discovered some creatures that looked a lot like me! I can’t be certain if they were really gnomes or not, but their facial features and body structure had a striking resemblance to my own.

Their little habitat has a bit of Medieval vibe, but maybe that decor is coming back into style these days. Check out the bangin’ hotties on the left side of the pic! That’s Bertha and Gertrude. When I asked for their screen names and blog sites, they gave me the most puzzled looks.

I asked the badass looking dudes dressed up as shiny knight gear if I could slackline across one of their swords. More puzzled looks. It really is like these strange creatures are stuck in 1542 or something.

Regardless of all of that, they were super friendly to me. So screw those gnomes back inside the Abode. I don’t need them and their judgment. I showed my new friends some line tricks across some treacherous boulders, gained their respect, and got invited to tea tomorrow afternoon.

Tea!! Who would have thought a stoner-slacker like me would ever be invited to tea?! Hopefully they’ll let me ride that cool looking horse tomorrow too.

Sweet dreams,

Sketchy Andy The Gnome

‘Sup guys.

So if you’ve missed the Banff Mountain Film Festival as it tours over to your city, you pretty much suck and you can stop reading this right now.

The festival plays like everywhere, folks, so don’t gimme no lame excuses.You don’t even gotta go to Banff to see it. But if you do, send me a postcard. Eh?  http://www.banffcentre.ca/mountainfestival/worldtour/

I just so happened to be doing a promotion to do slackline back flips from the top of the Sears Tower to whatever that building is across from the Sears Tower. It was pretty rad. And I didn’t die, which is always cool.

The film about me that made it into the festival is called Reel Rock: Sketchy Andy, and highlights some of my most kickass tricks. If ya just cant’ enough of me, check out the You Tube video in my profile.

What do you mean that doesn’t look like me? It’s just the camera angles that make me look almost human in these shots. My beard has grown a little longer and whiter since that vid was taken too. But seriously, take another look or buy some glasses or something. It’s totally me and you know it.

Whatever, I’m not here to defend myself. I’m actually here to give a review of the other six films from the festival. So get your panties out of that conspiracy theory wad and settle in with a cup of tea spiked with whiskey.

The first film All.I.Can: The Short Cut showed this rad dude skiing down concrete streets, over cars, and through peoples’ ‘hoods with their clothes lines hanging up and stuff. How whack. There’s tons of ski slopes aroudn the world. Surely, (and don’t call me Shirley) he could have found his stoner way to one of them. The music totally pumped me up though.

The film, Origins – Obe & Ashima, was about this cute little nine year old girl would could totally kick my ass at bouldering. Her dad is some kind of a freak show dancer and they live in New York City, which makes no sense for climbing whatsoever. But anyway, they hired bouldering legend, Obe Carrion, to train the pipsqueak. Finally, little Ashima gets to hit up some real rock and Obe takes her  to the bouldering mecca of Hueco Tanks. I can’t wait to see what this crazy kid does next.

I’m no wimp, but the film, Kadoma, totally made me tear up. South African kayak legend, Hendri Coetzee, (nicknamed “Kadoma”) has explored the craziest freaking rivers in all of Africa. A couple American pros followed him into the Lukuga River in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Turns out, he legend ends up dying. I hate crocodiles even more than I did before. Not that I ever really thought about crocodiles much at all before. Whatever.

Blue Obsession was all about ice climbing…something I’ve been wanting to get into just to step up the slackline gig a notch. The glaciers in Alaska are wicked beautiful. I gotta see that for myself. Secretary: Add this to my bucket list. Thanks, bitch.  

The film, On Assignment: Jimmy Chin was about this Chinese photographer, who after a bunch of sleeping in his car and getting shit from his family, made it big in the world of climbing photography. His stuff is pretty rockin’. His shots seem to catch his pro climber subjects in a moment where nothing else matters. Truly freaking beautiful.   

The final film, The Freedom Chair,  was all about this dude, Josh Dueck, who rocked as a skier but got in a real bad accident that left him paralyzed. He was way bummed for awhile but eventually learned to sit ski and got awesome at it. He went the Olympics and got back to his real passion of skiing in the back-country. These types of flicks always seem a bit cheesy, but even jaded fuckers like me can’t help but feel inspired.

Shoutout to Gnomeplaya who invited me to live in the Gnome Abode and join the blog world as a contributing author! I owe ya a beer or seven.

Once my Sears Tower vid comes out, ya’ll be the first to know about it.

Yeah,

Sketchy Andy The Gnome