About Starr

The guys told me to write something in here, so la dee freaking da. I am left handed but I play a right handed cello just so I have something to tell people about. Other than that, I just kinda hang around and make some noise. That is all.

Whatever and yeah,

Starr The Gnome

Let’s Learn a Lil’ Bit About A Band Called Broken Gnome…

Posted on April 25, 2014 by Starr

It’s common knowledge that gnomes are amazing musicians. Take for example, Gnome, The UnGnomes, The Gnome Addicts, Mr. Gnome and of course our very own Amish Meth Lab.

Well we have a newcomer on the gnome band scene, and they call themselves Broken Gnome.

Photo by Jesse Meisenhelter

In an interview with The Mac Weekly, band members, Will, Dan, Jonas, and Thomas gave us a few insights about their band.

Why are you guys called “The Gnome Home”?

JKY: We’re in a band…

DV: Called Broken Gnome. And we live in a house together.

About their style of music…

JKY: We play Gnome Rock.

WK: It’s Us Rock. Friend Rock.

TL: Will, you’re wearing some really great pants today.

And about their gnome home…

DV: We’re gonna record hopefully as Gnome.

WK: We want to plug GnomeFest. There’s a Facebook page, it’s a public event.

JKY: We did it last year. It’s a music festival—we had nine bands, I think—and we grilled and drank beers and everyone had a good time. There were mosh pits. We’re doing it again this year—it’s on May 10th, a Saturday, starting at 2 or 3.

Hold up, wait a minute. We interrupt this scheduled interview reiteration to do a quick Google search of GnomeFest.

Searching…

Google fail!

We can’t find anything about this alleged gnome event. We did, however, find a May 24th Broadwell Football Club sponsored event called Gnome-Fest. So alright guys, where’s this fest of YOURS happening?

Musically yours in spirit and such,
Starr the Gnome, of Amish Meth Lab

Gnome-Related Updates from the Chelsea Flower Show

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Starr

If you’re following gnome news these days, you’re undoubtedly inundated with updates about that Chelsea Flower Show going on over in England.

So in case you’re living in a gnome-free cave, here’s what you’ve been missing out on. In no particular order, here’s what’s been going down at Chelsea.

Uniquely designed gnomes, like our favorite combat ones, get recognition. We love these guys and hope one of them shows up on our doorstep any day now. (*HINT HINT*)

Urban Street gnomes emerge from the shadows of darkness. What the hell IS this thing?! I mean it’s kinda rad and all, but don’t call it a gnome. “This unique Street Gnome has a surreal ‘face’ made up of a montage of pop-art designs, with a bird skull at the centre being attacked by two black crows.” Puh-leese. This thing kinda looks like a bad girl I’d like to take out on a hot date, but not a gnome….clearly not a gnome.

Prince William and Kate Middleton have turned into gnomes! The British fancy pants appear to be bobble heads wearing red, pointy hats. But you know what? We’ll take it! Any depiction of royalty in the forms of gnomes is A-OK with us. I wonder if she’ll pop out a little gnome baby with a pointy, red hat too.

Celebrities are auctioning off crap tons of gnomes! Elton John, Lily Allen, and a bunch of supposedly famous people, that we haven’t heard of because we’re not British, have painted gnomes and are auctioning them off for charity. If you’re more skilled at pop culture than we are, try to match the celebrity with the gnome he/she painted. According to the Daily Mail, “The decorated figures will all be auctioned off on eBay from today to raise money for the £1 million RHS Centenary Appeal, marking 100 years since the first Chelsea Flower Show.”

The auction money is supposed to also go towards teaching school kids how to garden. We can only hope that more gardeners means more gnomes in the future for England and throughout the world.

We’re sort of bummed because we don’t get the BBC Two channel. Does anywhere out there reading this get it? It seems that on Friday 5/24 at 20:00, there will be an episode about the lifted ban on garden gnomes at the flower show and a history of the first gnomes to start a colony in the UK. We’d love to host a viewing party, so if anyone can hack into the BBC and stream it live for us, we’d be forever indebted.

Pip pip cheerio,
Starr the wannabe British Gnome

Hunting Gnomes at the Morton Arboretum

Posted on February 4, 2013 by Starr

Tired of hearing about how amazing we gnomes are? Well you have less than ONE MONTH LEFT to hunt us!

The Morton Arboretum in Lisle, Illinois continues to offer a Gnome Hunt in their childrens’ garden through the end of February. They present us all with the seemingly impossible challenge,

Can you find all of the gnomes hiding in the Children’s Garden?

Directions are presented at the entrance of the garden to advise how many gnomes to look for, where to look, etc.

As vocal gnome activists, we fear for the lives of our brethren in Lisle, Illinois. We have reached a general consensus that we will storm the gates of the arboretum and rescue as many gnomes as possible before they are hunted by people LIKE YOU.

Who KNOWS what you’ll do with us if you are successful in your hunting endeavors!? We don’t trust you. Hunt away! We’re not scared! You’re no match for our wit and hiding abilities!

Armed n’ ready,
Starr The Gnome

Is Les Claypool Really a Gnome?

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Starr

Remember me? I’m the cello player from the gnome band, Amish Meth Lab! You don’t? Whatever. You aren’t very memorable yourself.

As a musician, I’m always on the lookout for good gnome music. One of our newest gnome scouts introduced me to a new song today. It’s called “Granny’s Little Yard Gnome” by Les Claypool.

It’s an absolutely brilliant song! Now that you’ve watched the video, take a glance over the lyrics:

Content to stand alone
Waiting, watching, guarding Granny’s home
His face reflecting simple joy
But he is not a happy
Plaster boy “Careful sonny, not too close
Unless you want a lethal dose Of hardening…”
Patiently waiting for some shade
Wishing he could run away
Suppressing any urge to roam
Such devotion from a little gnome
I once saw a calico that thought he could fly
And then the lanky Doberman that tinkled in my eye
A pacifist by nature, with amble common sense
But if I had my druthers, I’d rather be a fence
Now Granny, she’s a good one, she shines me now and then
And come around this springtime, I’m due for paint again
On keeping Granny comfy, I try and earn my keep
I’m just wishing I had some eyelids, so I could get some sleep

He gets us! He really gets us! All this time I thought Mr. Claypool was a human. But there is no way that a human could write with such gnomish compassion and understanding. No, sir.

I hereby promote the theory that Les Claypool is really a gnome. A gnome in disguise as a human. It’s a very convincing disguise.

Discuss.

Your drummer and resident conspiracy theorist,
Starr The Gnome

Titties and Tarot Cards

Posted on April 12, 2012 by Starr

Greetings Interweb! Just your friendly cello player here. We’ve been in the van for a few days now since our debut show at the Cow Palace. The show was pretty rad and stuff. There were at least five gnomes in the crowd, which is four more than our pre-tour show last fall.

We’re headed to some godforsaken place in Nevada to play a show over there. McCartney and Lennon have it under control, I guess. I’m just along for the ride and the strumming.

For whatever reason, this weird chick keeps following me around. I don’t even know how she got in the van in the first place. But here she is. Flashing her titties around and chugging whiskey from the bottle.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really mind her all that much. She just kinda freaks me out. Today she pulled out these gnome tarot cards and starting giving us all tarot card readings. Based upon the cards she flipped over, she told me that my one true love was right before my eyes and I didn’t even know it. She also told me that the callouses on my hands would eventually heal and I would live to the age of 68.

I’m not sure what I make of all this fortune telling bullshit. She set some sort of crystal ball on the dash of the car and then was devastatingly surprising when it rolled off and shattered into a million pieces when McCartney slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting a poor, defenseless raccoon crossing the road.

I wouldn’t mind banging her one of these days. But I have this nagging feeling that if I don’t cuddle long enough or call soon enough afterwards that she’ll put some sort of evil curse on me. Maybe she already has. This is all very unsettling.

Oh but she looks amazing in that tank top. And the mountains out here look kinda amazing too. And as far as I’m concerned, this is the only future that I’m thinking about right about now. These guys had better stop for a brew and piss break within the next 20 minutes or I’m gonna get cranky.

Peace out,

Starr the Gnome, Cellist for Amish Meth Lab

The Drunk Gnome

Just when you thought your garden was sober…

Author Archives: Starr