About The Quick Brown Fox

Gnomes: Descendants of Ancient Phallic Fertility Gods?

Literate gnomes around the world! Behold!

I have come across a text that documents the distant history of gnomes…far more distant than any text has before!

bookCue Garden Gnomes: A History by Dr. Twigs Way. Yes, a doctor…a real, life doctor. No offense, Dr. A Chu.

Sir Way tells the tale of Priapus, an ancient phallic fertility god, which popped up all over gardens in ancient Rome. Priapus is known for his absurdly over-sized erection. Ouch ladies, all I have to say is ouch. Ahem.

Pompeya_erótica6This well-endowed god was mostly worshiped in gardens and statues of him lined the gardens of everyone wishing for a fruitful harvest.

Take a look at these statues. Totally gnome-like, don’t you think? Not sure where the statue’s erection ran off to though…

Apparently, there’s also a medical condition called priapism, that derives its name from Priapus and alludes to the god’s permanently engorged….well, you know.

684px-Musée_Picardie_Archéo_03This discovery poses a whole bunch of questions for us gnomes. Do we have special god-like abilities we’ve never known about? Should we be speaking Italian right now?

For even more historic discoveries, check out Dr. Way’s BBC article. I started reading it, but then just couldn’t get past the whole phallic god thing without further investigation.

Ya learn something every day….
The Quick Brown Fox the gnome

Oh For Pete’s Sake…Read Something, You Dumb Oaf!

Welcome to the continuation of the Gnome Literature Series! After a brief hiatus, we are back to teach you things about gnome literature and thereby make you slightly less stupid. In case you missed last night’s drunken book club discussion (tisk tisk), here are the highlights:

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-Gnomes have triangular brains

-Gnomes are susceptible to sunstroke

photo (4)-Gnomes have visited outer space, but they’re not from outer space

-Gnomes most likely did not build the Egyptian pyramids

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-Just because you suck at soccer doesn’t mean gnomes have to

-Gnomes thoroughly enjoy whistles

Well, that’s your literary update for the day. Hope you were sober enough to pay attention for it.

Yours in Combating Dumbness,
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

Toadstools and Technology! – Gnome Literature Series


Happy Friday, gnome fans!

Before you get drunk and more stupid than you usually are, allow me to school you for just one brief moment. Today’s “Gnome Literature Series” focuses on two things that have nothing in common besides alliteration….toadstools and technology.

Exhibit A:

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The Cliff’s Notes

  • Gnomes use toadstools for seats, umbrellas, houses, and photocopies.
  • Gnomes compensate toadstools by keeping them clean and sharing food with them.
  • It is still a mystery whether gnomes choose to reside near toadstools or whether toadstools just naturally grown near gnomes.

Exhibit B:

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The Cliff’s Notes

  • Gnomes hate MP3 players (do humans even still use these?), laptops, and electric can openers. 
  • Gnomes approve the use of automatic pointy hat starchers, which are powered by natural streams or magic, or batteries.

Okay, you’re less dumb now. Go drink yourself stupid.

The Quick Brown Fox

Love and Music – Gnome Literature Series


Almost a month has passed since that human holiday of Valentines day….are your ears still ringing with love and music?

Yeah, neither are ours. Thank god, that sounds like the path to a serious medical condition. But on a healthier and more reasonable, note, love and music are the topics of today’s edition of the GNOME LITERATURE SERIES!

Gnomes like to hookup just as much, if not more than humans do. Here’s the down & dirty on gnome love….

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  • Gnome courtship is awkward
  • Gnomes refuse to pick flowers because it’s the same as murder
  • Mushrooms make chocolate better
  • Beard kissing is likely to occur

Music isn’t just to lure members of the opposite sex, but it sure does help! This ain’t your average 5th grade band class…

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  • The gnomish instrument of choice is the gnomecordian
  • Beards are a useful tool in playing the gnomecordian
  • Beard entanglement often occurs after performances 

Hmm…we have a few of our own musicians around The Gnome Abode who might beg to differ on this whole gnomecordian concept. I hereby call upon gnome band, Amish Meth Lab, gnome rapper, Lil’ Dimwit, and gnome DJ, Spaghetti Sauce, to supplement this book on more modern forms of gnome music. Thanks guys.

The Quick Brown Fox The Gnome