The guys around The Abode started giving me shit the other day about carrying around a fishing pole but never actually going fishing. Apparently fishing is a popular “sport” in the gnome community and I’ve been called a poser five too many times.

I tried to explain to these simpleminded gnomes that it’s really a slackline, not a fishing pole, and that fishing isn’t a sport at all. I haven’t made any headway in this argument. It seems like it’s me against the gnome world on this issue. This stupid frame is hanging on the garage wall and I vomit in my mouth just a little every time I pass by it.

My idea of “fishing” is going out for a nice fish dinner…

Or making a sandwich in the shape of a fish…

Regardless, I was rudely awakened from my afternoon nap today by Cowabunga and Yankee Doodle and this instructional article was shoved in my face: http://www.wikihow.com/Fish.

Then I was dragged by the boots out to some po-dunk pond just down the street from The Gnome Abode. Apparently their plan was to make me learn how to fish against my will. Aren’t there laws to prohibit this kind of behavior?

Against my better judgment, I stuck my slackline in the water and this is what grabbed onto the other end from inside the pond!

I’ve never seen anything glowing so brightly! I’ve heard the news reports about all those radioactive fish over in Japan, but surely they couldn’t have made their way through the waterways to the local gnome pond, could they?!

Cowabunga and Yankee Doodle seem to have disappeared all of the sudden. WTF?! They were all gung-ho about this whole fishing bullshit. Then I catch a really cool looking one and they bail?!

I’m trying to decide if I want to eat this lil’ bugga or keep him as a pet. He keeps oozing green slime all over the place so I guess I’ll have to make a decision soon.

Advice welcome!

Sketchy Andy The Gnome

All week I’ve been trying to get used to living in the Gnome Abode and trying to understand the social dynamic around this joint. I always thought of myself as an open minded gnome, but then again I’ve never been surrounded by so much diversity.

I grew up just wasting time backwoods of bumblefuck with my slackline buddies betting quarters on who could pull off the most whacked out tricks. Those were the days….I miss those guys. No one judged me for being too tall or too short or too bearded. Being on tour as a world class athlete can be difficult sometimes.

The big gnomes here don’t even seem to notice me. If only they knew how hard I could kick their asses. If only they could hear me from all the way down here so I could tell them…

You’d think that the gnomes that were closer to my height would be friendlier, but they’re not. They keep criticizing my hygiene and I don’t understand it. This one dude is OCD about brushing his teeth, another won’t stop combing his beard, and some Fatty McGoo is always checking his weight but never doing anything to shed the chub. I’m a gnome of the wilderness, where hygiene is overrated. I don’t really want those sort of pansies as buddies anyway, so whatever.

If my little Lego hand had a middle finger, I would have flipped it at every gnome here today. I hit an all time low point of loneliness this evening. So rather than mope around and get wasted like I usually do, I decided to slip outside the sliding glass door and explore the back yard. Much to my surprise, I discovered some creatures that looked a lot like me! I can’t be certain if they were really gnomes or not, but their facial features and body structure had a striking resemblance to my own.

Their little habitat has a bit of Medieval vibe, but maybe that decor is coming back into style these days. Check out the bangin’ hotties on the left side of the pic! That’s Bertha and Gertrude. When I asked for their screen names and blog sites, they gave me the most puzzled looks.

I asked the badass looking dudes dressed up as shiny knight gear if I could slackline across one of their swords. More puzzled looks. It really is like these strange creatures are stuck in 1542 or something.

Regardless of all of that, they were super friendly to me. So screw those gnomes back inside the Abode. I don’t need them and their judgment. I showed my new friends some line tricks across some treacherous boulders, gained their respect, and got invited to tea tomorrow afternoon.

Tea!! Who would have thought a stoner-slacker like me would ever be invited to tea?! Hopefully they’ll let me ride that cool looking horse tomorrow too.

Sweet dreams,

Sketchy Andy The Gnome

‘Sup guys.

So if you’ve missed the Banff Mountain Film Festival as it tours over to your city, you pretty much suck and you can stop reading this right now.

The festival plays like everywhere, folks, so don’t gimme no lame excuses.You don’t even gotta go to Banff to see it. But if you do, send me a postcard. Eh?  http://www.banffcentre.ca/mountainfestival/worldtour/

I just so happened to be doing a promotion to do slackline back flips from the top of the Sears Tower to whatever that building is across from the Sears Tower. It was pretty rad. And I didn’t die, which is always cool.

The film about me that made it into the festival is called Reel Rock: Sketchy Andy, and highlights some of my most kickass tricks. If ya just cant’ enough of me, check out the You Tube video in my profile.

What do you mean that doesn’t look like me? It’s just the camera angles that make me look almost human in these shots. My beard has grown a little longer and whiter since that vid was taken too. But seriously, take another look or buy some glasses or something. It’s totally me and you know it.

Whatever, I’m not here to defend myself. I’m actually here to give a review of the other six films from the festival. So get your panties out of that conspiracy theory wad and settle in with a cup of tea spiked with whiskey.

The first film All.I.Can: The Short Cut showed this rad dude skiing down concrete streets, over cars, and through peoples’ ‘hoods with their clothes lines hanging up and stuff. How whack. There’s tons of ski slopes aroudn the world. Surely, (and don’t call me Shirley) he could have found his stoner way to one of them. The music totally pumped me up though.

The film, Origins – Obe & Ashima, was about this cute little nine year old girl would could totally kick my ass at bouldering. Her dad is some kind of a freak show dancer and they live in New York City, which makes no sense for climbing whatsoever. But anyway, they hired bouldering legend, Obe Carrion, to train the pipsqueak. Finally, little Ashima gets to hit up some real rock and Obe takes her  to the bouldering mecca of Hueco Tanks. I can’t wait to see what this crazy kid does next.

I’m no wimp, but the film, Kadoma, totally made me tear up. South African kayak legend, Hendri Coetzee, (nicknamed “Kadoma”) has explored the craziest freaking rivers in all of Africa. A couple American pros followed him into the Lukuga River in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Turns out, he legend ends up dying. I hate crocodiles even more than I did before. Not that I ever really thought about crocodiles much at all before. Whatever.

Blue Obsession was all about ice climbing…something I’ve been wanting to get into just to step up the slackline gig a notch. The glaciers in Alaska are wicked beautiful. I gotta see that for myself. Secretary: Add this to my bucket list. Thanks, bitch.  

The film, On Assignment: Jimmy Chin was about this Chinese photographer, who after a bunch of sleeping in his car and getting shit from his family, made it big in the world of climbing photography. His stuff is pretty rockin’. His shots seem to catch his pro climber subjects in a moment where nothing else matters. Truly freaking beautiful.   

The final film, The Freedom Chair,  was all about this dude, Josh Dueck, who rocked as a skier but got in a real bad accident that left him paralyzed. He was way bummed for awhile but eventually learned to sit ski and got awesome at it. He went the Olympics and got back to his real passion of skiing in the back-country. These types of flicks always seem a bit cheesy, but even jaded fuckers like me can’t help but feel inspired.

Shoutout to Gnomeplaya who invited me to live in the Gnome Abode and join the blog world as a contributing author! I owe ya a beer or seven.

Once my Sears Tower vid comes out, ya’ll be the first to know about it.

Yeah,

Sketchy Andy The Gnome

As you may have heard through the grapevine, our buddy Horace did not get to fulfill his dream of climbing the mountains at Yosemite. As a matter of fact, neither did Gnomeplaya or Gnomecow. Apparently, the weather conditions at Yosemite were most unpleasant and the wimpy guide company cancelled their climb. How DARE a guide company put the safety of its paying customers first!? However will they make a profit???

Needless to say, Horace has been pretty bummed out this past week. He has refused to even strap on his harness or lace up his climbing shoes. It seems that he has given up on the sport entirely. I’ve known the ole’ chap for years, and I’ve never seen him inspired by something in the way he has been about rock climbing. This single adverse event has turned him away from the one and only passion he has ever discovered! I just don’t understand him sometimes. He makes up excuses about his forearms being too stiff or his callouses being too sore whenever I try to encourage him to get back on the rock.

So I am bribing him with literature and wine! Classy, I know right? That’s just how i operate. Generally speaking, I am morally opposed to the consumption of alcohol, but drastic times call for drastic measures.

Last week, I got Horace to agree to read a book with me! It’s called A Walk Across America, by Peter Jenkins. It’s not a book about climbing specifically, but it is a book about outdoor adventures and random travels. I thought it might help to inspire and rejuvenate him.

He seems like kind of a slow reader, so who knows if/when he’ll ever finish the book. However, it seems that he’s already finished all of the bottles of wine that I picked up, so perhaps that has something to do with it. But as a certified speed reader, card-carrying nerd, and anti-alcohol activist, I already finished the book today and feel compelled to make a brief commentary. 

So this guy, Peter Jenkins, has grown up in a pretentious Connecticut suburb and has done what’s expected of him all his life. After graduating college, a failed marriage, and no real direction in his life, he sets out on a walking journey with only his dog Cooper by his side to discover if this whole country as awful as he thinks it is.

The story is begins sometime in 1973. Peter gets cold, tired, injured…blah, blah, blah. Some people he meets are awesome and others try to kill him. Some terrible human being accidental kills his dog and only friend with a truck. Peter stops in random towns and gets manual labor jobs to make enough money to keep walking along. He discovers racism, religion, cults, and unexpected characters with every step from DC to Virginia to West Virginia to Tennessee to Alabama to Mississippi and finally to New Orleans. The story ends when he meets some random broad named Barbara, falls in love, and gets a sign from God in a weird church that she should join his walk to the Pacific coast…which she does.

But that’s where the story ends! Is there a sequel?! It was hard enough to find an outdoor inspirational book in this makeshift library in The Gnome Abode!

I don’t know if I really even want to read the sequel anyway. It was an interesting enough story, but it just didn’t flow well. There would be 100 pages about Peter working at a saw mill and then just 2 pages of him meeting, falling in love, and marrying his soul mate. But I don’t want to reveal any more and ruin it for poor slow-reading and wine-drunk Horace so I’ll save the rest of my rants for another day.

Here’s to hoping Horace sobers up so I can actually have an intelligent gnome-to-gnome conversation and convince myself that I have a friend around here,

Phillip The Gnome

I’m sure you’re all just dying to know how my rock climbing training program has been going. Well, as with any professional athlete like myself, there are always minor setbacks.

I snuck inside a crack in the sliding glass door, logged online and ordered (Yes, I have my own credit card. Sheesh) these training thingies that all the big shots say are essential to anyone serious getting into top physical climbing condition.

Rock-like thingies to hang from

I tried them out last night for the first time by hanging them on a low branch of a nearby bush in backyard. I can kind of hang on them, but then what? Am I supposed to do a pull-up or something? Suggestions welcome! The the minion gnomes around me saw them hanging from the bush and decided they would be fun to use as swings. The little ones fit inside the hand holds and totally threw off my chi.

This morning, I overheard a conversation between our Master and her Man-Friend last night about taking a rock climbing trip out to Yosemite National Park. I NEED TO JOIN THEM. I think this is my destiny.  They CAN’T leave me behind! So it is time to get back to training. My first order of business is to climb over this back yard wall. My second order of business is to climb Yosemite.

I hung this poster up on this wretched wall I am trying to conquer. It inspires me.

Gnome on a 5.10a

If there are any other gnome climbers (like this buff guy with the suitcase…who are you???), I’d love to hear from you. I’m trying not to get discouraged. But I fear that if my skills are not up to par within 2 weeks, Master and Man-Friend will leave me behind, as I would surely slow down their amazing climbing skills. Sigh. Back to those hanging thingies that I don’t know what to do with.