This gnome is getting around. His name is Gnorman and I hate him because he’s going way cooler places than I probably ever will.

This random British couple (British, of course) went to Egypt on vacation and left his poor sap behind. The neighbors rescued him from captivity and have taken him everywhere from Buckingham Palace to airplanes to Clacton Pier (wherever the hell that is). Apparently, he gets his old holiday now.

This random couple didn’t notice that Gnorman had even disappeared ’til they found him on Facebook. Leave it to Facebook to spill the beans.

The resident added: “He wants to carry on with his antics so he’s told them he’ll come home if he can still have his independence, which they have promised.”

Let me just add that Gnomeplaya, our master and goddess of all gnomekind has gone out gallavanting in the Northeast. They have left almost all of us gnomes behind. Except Zookwinkle…hey Zooks, hope you’re having fun!

So where are OUR neighbors? Why has no one rescued US! Hey psychic “business” downstairs! Hey mediocre pizza place across the street! I’m talking to you!

Get me outta here!

Pleading with you,
Humps the Gnome

Apparently, gnome-nappers (i.e. thieves of gnomes) become frightened when you scream at them.

According to today’s Press and Guide article, a white dude in his 50s with shoulder-length, strawberry blonde hair recently attempted a gnome-napping. As he was shoving the poor, defenseless gnomes into a crappy Ford Fusion, a kindhearted neighbor yelled at him to stop.

Thank you, kindhearted neighbor!

The thief dropped the gnome and sped away. The condition of the nearly-stolen gnomes is yet to be reported. All we can do is pray for a quick mental and physical recovery at this point.

What’s the moral of the story?

YELL MORE! Yell loudly! Constantly! All of you!

Especially if you live in Dearborn, Michigan.

Stay safe out there, gnomies. People want us and we must stand our guard.

Yours in screaming,
Leonardo the Gnome

photo credit: pclouse 

Perhaps you read a recent post of mine about boycotting IKEA for their horrendous anti-gnome commercial.

Well, we’re not the only ones pissed off.

According to the Huffington Post, the United Kingdom’s Advertising Standards Authority has received about 50 complaints about the commercial. (And only 49 of them were from us! So thank you…whoever you are!)

IKEA’s response is completely unacceptable and makes us want to puke our turkey sandwiches all over its cute lil’ dorm room tables. Marketing manager for IKEA’s UK branch said that the commercial was, “merely a ‘light-hearted’ way of showing a family defying the ultimate embodiment of everything that’s tired and dreary about British gardens – the garden gnome.”

Tired?

Dreary?

Clearly, you have NOT been reading this blog, Mr. Peter Wright!

Outrage and debate is spreading throughout the world…and rightfully so. New Zealand’s seems to support us…thanks guys. However, Australia is teaming up AGAINST us! Try not to smash a human’s face in as you read this Ad News article who questions the legitimacy of us 50 complainers.

Not that we’re biased or anything, but if you’re not with us, you’re against us. Have a couple beers to calm your nerves first and then give this commercial a view for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=E1kwGtl21bs

The boycott of IKEA continues, but we’re not stopping there. Oh no, no, no. This violence against gnomes has gone TOO FAR! The Gnome Abode is seeking a military general to lead us in an epic battle of gnome-sized proportions. Gnomes hold down a lot of careers over here, but we’re severely lacking in military support. Now is the time to protect ourselves.

Qualified applicants for the position of gnome military general should apply via blog post by the end of the week.

Still super pissed off,
Kamikaze the Gnome

Photo credit: Huffington Post

If you’re following gnome news these days, you’re undoubtedly inundated with updates about that Chelsea Flower Show going on over in England.

So in case you’re living in a gnome-free cave, here’s what you’ve been missing out on. In no particular order, here’s what’s been going down at Chelsea.

•  Uniquely designed gnomes, like our favorite combat ones, get recognition. We love these guys and hope one of them shows up on our doorstep any day now. (*HINT HINT*)

• Urban Street gnomes emerge from the shadows of darkness. What the hell IS this thing?! I mean it’s kinda rad and all, but don’t call it a gnome. “This unique Street Gnome has a surreal ‘face’ made up of a montage of pop-art designs, with a bird skull at the centre being attacked by two black crows.” Puh-leese. This thing kinda looks like a bad girl I’d like to take out on a hot date, but not a gnome….clearly not a gnome.

• Prince William and Kate Middleton have turned into gnomes! The British fancy pants appear to be bobble heads wearing red, pointy hats. But you know what? We’ll take it! Any depiction of royalty in the forms of gnomes is A-OK with us. I wonder if she’ll pop out a little gnome baby with a pointy, red hat too.

• Celebrities are auctioning off crap tons of gnomes! Elton John, Lily Allen, and a bunch of supposedly famous people, that we haven’t heard of because we’re not British, have painted gnomes and are auctioning them off for charity. If you’re more skilled at pop culture than we are, try to match the celebrity with the gnome he/she painted. According to the Daily Mail, “The decorated figures will all be auctioned off on eBay from today to raise money for the £1 million RHS Centenary Appeal, marking 100 years since the first Chelsea Flower Show.”

The auction money is supposed to also go towards teaching school kids how to garden. We can only hope that more gardeners means more gnomes in the future for England and throughout the world.

We’re sort of bummed because we don’t get the BBC Two channel. Does anywhere out there reading this get it? It seems that on Friday 5/24 at 20:00, there will be an episode about the lifted ban on garden gnomes at the flower show and a history of the first gnomes to start a colony in the UK. We’d love to host a viewing party, so if anyone can hack into the BBC and stream it live for us, we’d be forever indebted.

Pip pip cheerio,
Starr the wannabe British Gnome