Category Archives: Secrets of a Slutty Girl Gnome

I like to compare myself to Smurfette. I’m surrounded by dude gnomes 24/7, so how could I not be a total slut?

Gnomes and Ballet: An Unlikely Combination

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Nothing is safe from gnomes. Not even the New York City ballet.

During my daily news browsing session today, I came across this article about new shows at the David H. Koch Theater. The only one I really care about is called “Namouna, a Grand Divertissement.”

Its hero (Tyler Angle on Thursday and Saturday evenings) frolics with three chic muse figures (Sterling Hyltin, Ashley Bouder and Sara Mearns), but his amorous endeavors are occasionally barred by an armored demon king or chief gnome (Daniel Ulbricht). The chief is assisted by two look-alike female lieutenants (Megan Fairchild and Abi Stafford — the gnomettes) and a corps of eight uniformed gnomes.

Apparently at some point, the head gnome relents and bestows the heroine upon the hero. Whatever the hell that means.

I’ve never been super into ballet, but this one has been described as trivial, absurd, and compelling. AND IT HAS GNOMES IN IT!!!

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However, I do have one problem with this ballet of gnomes. Where exactly are their gnome hats? None of the photos picture dancers wearing gnome hats.

I find this absurd. But maybe I shouldn’t be too quick to judge. Perhaps hats make an appearance in the finale. Yeah, I bet that’s right.

Who wants to pick up ballet tickets and get cultured with me?

xoxo,
Roxy the Gnome

Photo credit: Andrea Mohin/The New York Times

Friday Exclusive! Earrings with Gnomes on Them!

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Know what makes a Friday great? Well I don’t know about you, but my Friday just got a whole lot greater once I received jewelry in the mail!

And not just any jewelry….earrings with gnomes on them!

Giddy squealing!

This is what they looked like when I opened the package:

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The people at Loungefly rock my world. We also have their gnome handbag and wallet. Whoop whoop!

I put a bunch of the new earrings of awesomeness into one ear….

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And then into the other…

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And now I’m off to the local gnome piercing shop to put some more holes in my head so that the rest of the earring set fits too. And then I plan to get a jump start on the St. Paddy’s festivities by drinking the piercing pain away.

Piercing Paddy Power,
Tabitha the Gnome

 

Mushy Valentines’ Day Smooches From Our Gnomes to Yours!

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My dearly beloved gnomes,

Whether you’re spending today making out with your honey buns or making out with a box of bon bons alone on the couch, just remember that we have all kinds of creepy, weird gnome love for you. Even if no one else does.

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Even if you tie our hands behind our backs…..or if you set us atop mushrooms…

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…or even if you’ve fallen in love with a non-gnome…

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We still love you.

Mushy gushy kisses and groping,
Roxy The Slutty Gnome

PS – don’t text me ’til after 9…I have a hot date. Hookup details to be dished in my next post 🙂

Gnome Tarot Card Reading of the Day

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In case you forgot, we gnomes are big believers in the tarot. Our master medium and sorceress, The Lady of Mt. Goom, performs a tarot card reading each morning for the residents of the Gnome Abode.

While Ms. Goom will perform individual gnomes who seek out her counsel (and pay a pretty penny), she provides this one group reading, which will apply to the lives of all residents, as a public service. Today she provided us with the Wheel Spread.

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She flipped the cards over and they landed like this:

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The card in the #1 position was the 5 of wands. In a reading, this card means that others want what you want and the contest is likely to be exciting and heated, filled with action and rivalry.

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The card in the #2 position was the chariot card. This card exemplifies the hero’s journey and represents ambition, determination and youthful journey.

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The card in the #3 position was 8 of wands. This card marks the end of a period of stagnation and delay, the reaching of a goal, and plans nearing completion.

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The card in the #4 position was the 7 of pentacles.This card indicates that hard work is about to pay off financially and it’s time to reevaluate goals, dreams, relationships, etc.

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And the card in the #5 position was the justice card. This card indicates that legal problems will wane and a judgement is in favor.

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As a self-proclaimed professional tarot read-ee, I interpret this reading to mean the following for me personally:

Everyone is super jealous of me because I’m so beautiful and talented. The other lady gnomes will do whatever it takes to bring me down. I am a heroine in my own right and fighting the good fight for what is true and good in this abode. I don’t realize it yet, but I am very close to reaching my goal and moving on to my next business venture. This next venture is going to make me filthy stinking rich and the people around me aren’t going to good enough to hang out with anymore. All those pesky lawsuits filed against me for theft, deceit, and general scamming will be wiped from the books once I have enough money to pay off the authorities and I’ll live happily ever after!

xoxo,
Roxy the Gnome

Planning a Headless Wedding

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I’m sure you caught the recent police report about the horrific indecent regarding my loss of head.

I regained consciousness this morning at about 6:30am. I know what you’re thinking. How exactly does one regain consciousness when one has no head? It’s a valid question and I’ll give you that.

You see, gnome heads aren’t built like human heads. Our neurological brain waves transcend the boundaries of space and time in a magical way that telepathically connects to the other bodily functions.

That’s what Dr. A. Chu told me anyway. He’s the only doctor around here, so I have no choice but to believe him. Although its not attached to my body, it is a completely functional, thinking, breathing, head. So in that regard, I guess I’m doing okay.

Thanks for the flowers and balloons you all sent to my hospital room.

I am NOT doing okay though because I am planning my wedding! How can I be a bride with no head? The wedding photos will look ridiculous. There’s no way I can wear a veil. When it comes time to “kiss the bride” Jerry will have to stoop down and pick my head up off the floor.

I was always skeptical about that Costa Rican quack doctor who performed that plastic surgery head transplant back in the late ’80’s. He assured me that the head was just as stable as a normal head, but apparently he was wrong. Before that transplant, old head was ugly….but at least I was in one piece!

I AM A MONSTER!

I AM HIDEOUS!

WHAT IF JERRY CALLS OFF THE WEDDING!

HOW CAN HE LOVE ME WITH NO HEAD?

HOW WILL IT LOOK FOR A GNOME QUEEN TO RULE WITH NO HEAD?

ARE THERE ANY REPUTABLE SURGEONS WHO CAN HELP ME?

MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

WHY MEEEEEEEEEE????

Sobbing in solitude,
Tabitha The Gnome