Category Archives: World Traveler Gnomes

A travel blog about all the places we get to see when Master Alyssa lets us tag along

TEXAS BEWARE: Sheldon is invading with cattle, guns and Republicans.

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I’ve got my cowboy hat ready and am ready to invade Texas today!

I’ve never been to Texas before, but I have the great pleasure of accompanying two lovely ladies to the deep south for a long weekend of Yee Haw’s and Giddy Up’s.

What do I expect during my Texas trip? Hmmmm….perhaps some longhorn cattle?

A bunch of Republicans?

Definitely a whole bunch of guns!

I’m hoping to come back with a southern accent and a tanned raw hide. Surely that’ll make Yankee lady gnomes will definitely swoon and god knows it’s, well, been awhile.

Yippie ki-yay,

Sheldon The Ultimate Traveling Gnome

Monkey/Horse/Canoe/Wheelbarrow Whatnot In Wisconsin

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Now that The Gnome Abode is finally back to a point of stability after the brutal takeover of the evil St. Bastille Day (whose birthday is this Saturday! Everyone be sure to send presents!), I can finally post about my recent Wisconsin vacation. As you may recall, I won the lottery to accompany Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow on a magical journey to Devil’s Lake. Oooooo…sounds scary….I know.

We stayed at the Wheeler Campground, which was awesome. The owners were awesome, the camp store was awesome, the shower facilities were awesome, and the secluded woodsy campsite was awesome. Need I explain any more awesomeness!

I did have to share my tent with the monkeys: Happy, Fatty, and Nappy. Fatty was actually “acquired” on this Wisconsin trip at a magical place called Wal-Mart. Nappy was born there too. They must be distantly related somehow. I dont’ really get monkey genetics. Irregardlessly, the monkeys are alright folk. They get annoying from time to time, but overall they are excellent playmates.

Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow went on a rock climbing adventure, which I promptly declined to join. A fat, sleepy gnome climbing rocks? No thank you. I demanded wheelbarrow transport from one destination to another.

I did decide to join the others on a horseback riding adventure. Look at me in the saddle! Who knew that gnomes and horses could get along?! I plan to write up a pitch to The Gnome Abode Board of Directors to petition for a pet horse. I really think it would boost morale for all of us.

Horses’ asses are pretty soft too. I never fell off even once!

More reluctantly, I joined the others on a canoe/fishing trip. I brought along some Swedish Fish for bait. Hysterical laughter ensued.  No fish were caught. And this will likely be my first and last fishing trip. Don’t think I didn’t hear about what happened to Seamus! That poor bastard and his lack of feet. Sigh.

Fortunately, the trip ended with my favorite part of traveling….BOOZE! Look at me here with a craft beer sampler platter.from Water Street Brewery in Milwaukee, Wisconsin: http://www.waterstreetbrewery.com/

Sampler platters are the BEST because I don’t have to make up my mind and the glasses are gnome-sized. I was eh so-so about all the beers I tasted here. Nothing was significant and nothing stuck in my memory as being amazing (see above reference to Wheeler Campground for a good definition of amazing).

I felt very welcome in Wisconsin….the tents, the monkeys, the horses, the Swedish fish, and the mediocre beer.

This was my first out-of-state trip EVER! Seamus will be so jealous and Sheldon won’t give a fuck b/c he’s probably doing something way more amazing and we all hate him.

Peace out,

Maurice The Gnome

 

Watch Yo’ Back, Wisconsin…

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Let it be known that Wisconsin is full of gnome haters. After countless gnome sighting attempts in various regions, not a single gnome could been found.

Anyone with information to the contrary is encouraged to contact us immediately before we declare war upon your wretched territory and infiltrate your homes and gardens.

I mean, look at the stupid laws in this place! – http://www.bitoffun.com/stupid_laws_wisconsin.htm

P.S. – My photo blog of the super duper fun times in Wisconsin last weekend is coming soon!

Signed,

Maurice The Gnome

To Maurice – From Sketchy Andy – With Hate

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Dear Maurice,

I couldn’t help but notice your recent blog post about being invited to tag along on this weekend’s Devil’s Lake trip. I also couldn’t help but gag up the burrito that I had for lunch  because this is complete bullshit.

I am outdoorsy, I am adventurous, and I have a goddamn fishing pole! Okay fine, so maybe I didn’t get my application submitted on time to join this trip. But that doesn’t make you the least bit qualified for an outdoor excursion.

Your brothers are so much cooler than you are, you lazy good for nothing bum.

We are in a fight. This means war. When you get back, you’d better watch your back, because you’re just jumped to number 1 on my shit list.

Hatefully yours,

Sketchy Andy The Gnome Who Should be Going to Devil’s Lake

Homeless drunk Rumplesphincter brother headed to Devil’s Lake!

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‘Sup guys….Maurice here. I’m the middle Rumplesphincter brother who the others tend to forget about. Séamus is the oldest and I heard a rumor that he got himself all paralyzed and is working some illegal gig now. Good for him! Sheldon, the baby of the family, is a goody-two-shoes who has gotten himself famous by traveling the world and publishing his travel writing. At least one of us has been successful, I guess.

I’m a drunk. And I’m homeless. And I’ve never really made a contribution to gnomish society. But there’s enough gnomes out there doing that. I’ll just lounge in the mushrooms and stay out of their way.

I read a recent post by brother Séamus and begged him to buy me lunch. He did (!) and he told me about his recent trip to southern Illinois. I got jealous. I know I’m the deadbeat of the family, but it doesn’t seem right that I’m the only Rumplesphincter brother who has never left the outer parameter of The Gnome Abode.

Yesterday, I cleaned myself up the best I could and hand-delivered an application form to Gnomeplaya to tag along on the next adventure. Apparently not many gnomes applied for this one, so I won the spot!

I’m headed to Devil’s Lake in Wisconsin for the weekend. It just sounds cool. And evil.

Rumor has it that there will be rock climbing, camping, fishing, artwork making, horseback riding, and drinking. I’m really only interested in the drinking part, but I’ll certainly observe and report back on the rest of those active activities.

Time to stock my grog supply in preparation for the road trip.

Tally ho!

Maurice Rumplesphincter – the middle child and homeless drunk (but now traveling) gnome