Gnomes and Inclement Weather: Rain/Fog Edition

 

Like the United States Postal Service, gnomes must endure snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night. Regardless of the weather conditions, gnomes stand post at their designated locations in gardens, forests, and lawns around the world.

We become weathered from the rain and faded from the sun. We begin to lack the luster we once had in our youth. Our paint chips and peels off, while wildlife prospers with brilliant colors all around us….mocking us.

Zookwinkle gave us a great example of this in his recent post about a weathered, green-hatted gnome he met in Squamish, British Columbia.

City dwelling gnomes, like Boris Periwinkle (pictured below) endure different implications of bad weather….TRAFFIC. As you can see, Boris is struggling to drive his gnomemobile to the grocery store in a torrential downpour.

Just when he thought he would be able to make the unprotected left turn at the green light, an asshole cabbie cut him off. The nerve! Driving in rain really wears on a gnome’s soul over time.

Fog presents even more difficulty for gnomes. It’s a well known fact that gnomes’ eyesight is less than spectacular. Fog makes it even harder than usual to find where we left our shoes or set down our beers. This is unnecessarily burdensome.

Shown here is Lil’ Dimwit struggling through a foggy day. Wait a second. Didn’t he just put on a rap show with a fog machine? I think this pic is from his concert last month. That was a good show. Okay never mind…scratch this. Moving on!

Back to Boris, who has particularly shit luck with weather. Shown here is a rare and terrifying phenomenon called a soap storm. While nearly unheard of in the human world, soap storms affect gnomish societies about three times a year.

The sky seems to open up and blasts of menacing soap comes squirts out from all directions. They are an unexplained occurrence and currently under investigation in the GMIFS (Gnomish Meteorological Institute of Freakish Storms).

Like humans, some gnomes are better prepared for storms than others. Pictured here is Tom Skilling Jr., who has appointed himself the meteorologist of The Gnome Abode. He never leaves home without his trusty umbrella and seeks out storms to make himself feel relevant on the evening news.

This pic was taken during Tom’s recent spelunking trip in Costa Rica.

In conclusion, we gnomes are a hearty bunch but we’re sensitive too. Stay tuned for my upcoming “Snow and Ice Edition” of GNOMES AND INCLEMENT WEATHER.

Bringing you doom and gloom in a most pleasant way,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

 

Beaten Up in Boystown

 

It was a Friday night not unlike any other Friday night. My life partner, Fernando, and I got all dolled up for a night of bar hopping and debauchery.

We decided to hit  up a drag show at one of our favorite bars, Sidetrack. You see, Fernando and I met in the stripper cage at Sidetrack a couple weeks ago and it was the happiest day of my life!

To get the party started, we sipped a few cocktails before catching a cab to the bar.  I make a mean apple martini! As you can see, Fernie is a wee bit smaller than I am. I sometimes forget that he gets tipsy quicker than I do when we’re a few martinis under the wagon.

So anyway, we headed over to Boystown around ten-o-clock  and the cab dropped us off a block away from Sidetrack. As I was pulling a twenty out of my wallet, some douchebag came running across the street at a million miles an hour.

It all happened so fast. The first thing I remember was a flash or rage and passion. The douchebag ran smack into my darling Fernando and didn’t even say he was sorry. Fernando was lying on the ground, moaning in a painful drunken stupor.

The next thing I remember is my fist making contact with the douchebag’s eye. God that stung.

I thought I had him. I really thought I had him. I’m so freaking embarrassed about the whole ordeal. It’s hard for me to even talk about. But my therapist says I should be more open with the world. I’m working on it, okay? Okay?!

Fast forward to this morning… and here’s what I look like now.

I’m hideous. Absolutely hideous! I’m missing a foot, missing a hand, and I have no idea where the chunk in my back went to.

Fernando dragged me back into a cab and back to his place after that douchebag kicked the crap out of me. I just tried to defend his honor and this is how the universe pays me back. The details are fuzzy and I’m glad that they are. I have no idea how he even stands to look at me the way I am right now.

My poor hand is unattached from my arm. And my arm is unattached from my body. Yes, I’m typing this blog post with one hand. Yes, this is taking me a very long time.

I am hereby making a plea to all of you gnomes out there reading this. Actually, I have two please. If you have any information about a douchebag who was running across the street at the intersection of Belmont and Clark last night at approximately 10:25pm, please respond to me ASAP. Dude’s gotta pay and I will see him face smashed into a million pieces if it’s the last thing I do. 

My second plea is one for medical attention. The only doctor here at The Gnome Abode is Dr. A. Chu. He’s more of an internal medicine specialist. I need a master surgeon to put me back together again. I’ve heard of some baby monkey prodige who’s operated on gnomes in the past, but I’m not sure I trust him. If any of you gnomes out there know of other surgeons taking new patients, I’d really REALLY appreciate it if you put in a good word for me.

Your victim of an random act of gnome violence and bottomless pit of self pity,
Alfredo The Gnome

Gnomes’ Political Turmoil Results in a Re-staging of St. Bastille Day’s Coup

 

…TELEGRAM TRANSMITTAL BEGIN…

ME THINKS ME HEARS CHATTER ABOUT POLITICAL TURMOIL AMONGST THEM PESKY GNOMES.

MY PRIOR COUP FAILED – IT IS TRUE. I HAVE YET TO OVERTAKE GNOMISH LANDS FOR ME OWN PERSONAL AMUSEMENT.

BUT THOSE WRETCHED CREATURES WERE MORE STABLE BACK THEN. RUMORS OF AN OVERTHROW OF KING JERRY ARE PREVALENT.

THOSE MONKEYS WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY THIS TIME EITHER.

THE TIME HAS COME FOR A RE-STAGING OF MY COUP.

ST. BASTILLE DAY DOES NOT RUN FOR ELECTIONS.

ST. BASTILLE DAY DOES NOT COMPETE WITH GNOMES.

ST. BASTILLE DAY WILL EAT GNOMES’ FACES OFF IF THEY DO NOT OBEY.

…TELEGRAM TRANSMITTAL END…

Is Les Claypool Really a Gnome?

 

Remember me? I’m the cello player from the gnome band, Amish Meth Lab! You don’t? Whatever. You aren’t very memorable yourself.

As a musician, I’m always on the lookout for good gnome music. One of our newest gnome scouts introduced me to a new song today. It’s called “Granny’s Little Yard Gnome” by Les Claypool.

It’s an absolutely brilliant song! Now that you’ve watched the video, take a glance over the lyrics:

Content to stand alone
Waiting, watching, guarding Granny’s home
His face reflecting simple joy
But he is not a happy
Plaster boy “Careful sonny, not too close
Unless you want a lethal dose Of hardening…”
Patiently waiting for some shade
Wishing he could run away
Suppressing any urge to roam
Such devotion from a little gnome
I once saw a calico that thought he could fly
And then the lanky Doberman that tinkled in my eye
A pacifist by nature, with amble common sense
But if I had my druthers, I’d rather be a fence
Now Granny, she’s a good one, she shines me now and then
And come around this springtime, I’m due for paint again
On keeping Granny comfy, I try and earn my keep
I’m just wishing I had some eyelids, so I could get some sleep

He gets us! He really gets us! All this time I thought Mr. Claypool was a human. But there is no way that a human could write with such gnomish compassion and understanding. No, sir.

I hereby promote the theory that Les Claypool is really a gnome. A gnome in disguise as a human. It’s a very convincing disguise.

Discuss.

Your drummer and resident conspiracy theorist,
Starr The Gnome

Seamus Challenges Brother in Heated Gnome Presidential Race

 

My brother, Sheldon, is such a pretentious ass. Who does he think he is, proposing a gnomish democracy and all?!

Well, if he thinks that he’s going take over The Gnome Abode UNCONTESTED, then he’s got another thing coming! Let this blog post serve as notice of my intention to run for the office of President of The Gnome Abode!

I’m really not sure what the job of President entails because we’ve never had one. Regardless, I think I’d make a better one than my brother. Why, you ask?

Well, while he spent all those years trotting around the globe, I was sitting back here  making loads of cash. Odd jobs here, odd jobs there, an inheritance that mysterious was sent to me…it’s all been padding my bank account. And all while I’ve been spending my precious time getting to know all of you each and every day, right here at home.

That’s right, gnomes, I’ve got money!

Just think of all the things that we can do with lots of money! We can build roads! We can start a school! We can build a hospital! We can buy lots and lots of booze!!!

A vote for Seamus is a vote for money! I figure that there will be some sort of debate and/or battle-to-the-death scheduled soon. I’ll wait patiently until I receive proper notice to show up and whoop Sheldon’s ass. You humans may have wrapped up your election last night, but we gnomes are just getting started.

I hope King Jerry is okay with all of this. Hmm.

Your fearless wannabe leader,
Seamus The (Brother of Choice) Gnome