A Vote for Sheldon is a Vote for Gnome Democracy!

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I can’t help but pick up on all the human chatter about the elections today. Humans all around the United States of American are waiting in lines to color in boxes in tiny booths to express their freedom.

As a gnome, I generally feel pretty free. But when I stop to actually think about it, I guess that I’m really not free at all! The Gnome Abode has a king….King Jerry….and no society with a King can really be free. Sure, Monarchies have kinda sorta worked for some nations in the past. But I’m not so sure that a Monarchy best fits the gnomish way of life.

With that being said, I hereby announce that I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE GNOME ABODE!

If The Gnome Abode has a constitution or even any kind of written set of laws, well, I haven’t seen it. And I don’t think it exists. And if it does exist, it’s probably bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, King Jerry is an alright guy. He’s the kinda guy I like to have a beer with from time to time and bitch about women with. But he is not a leader.

Leaders are supposed to hold meetings and propose changes that will help gnomes in our community. Leaders are supposed to negotiate trade with foreign gnome lands and sign peace treaties with neighboring human nations.

I can do all of these things for you…and more!

As a retired travel gnome, I have seen a lot and learned a lot throughout my years. I have an understanding about how other gnomish societies are run and what we can do to improve upon our own.

In a Democratic society, there must always be choices and these choices should be left up to the gnomes who live in it. I encourage all of your gnomes reading this to consider running against me for the office of President, but with me for the ideal of Democracy.

Potential candidates should make a formal announcement via blog post if they wish to be considered for the race. The cut off date to post your announcement is one week from today, November 14th, so that should give you plenty of time to develop your platforms. After that, I will coordinate a debate about the candidates’ platforms and develop a board of elections to host a formal vote in the upcoming weeks.

Also, I will need a running mate. If any of you are interested in having a fun-sounding title and doing very little work, let me know! A second name on the ballot will give me just enough diversity to win, and for that I thank you in advance.

May the best gnome (ME!) win!
Sheldon “Presidential Candidate #1” The Gnome

 

Roxy Gets Drunk in Madison

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I woke up in an armchair in Madison on Sunday morning with puke in my hair. No, that’s not uncommon. But it uncommon for it to happen in Madison. Of all places Madison.

The armchair belonged to three brothers…..The Brothers LeBeef. I’m not even joking. That was really their name. Carlos, Fernando, and Ramon LeBeef.

 

Fernando, who seemed to be the friendliest of the bunch, filled me in on the previous night’s shenanigans. Apparently, I met the three of them at a restaurant convention back home in Vegas and they convinced me to come check out their little eatery back in Wisconsin.

I really gotta get my head checked out. I don’t remember any of that! Except the restaurant convention. They served fabulous crème brûlée at the welcome party.

I can’t seem to find my purse anywhere and without my purse, I have no ID. Without my ID, I can’t catch a flight back home to Vegas. So I guess I’m stuck in Wisconsin.

YAY!

I made the boys pick their favorite local brewery and take me there to get drunk and drown my sorrows of being in Wisconsin. They picked Vintage Brewing Company.

 

Samplers are a girl’s best friend because they don’t force us to make up our minds. Dating three brothers kinda falls along the same lines, dontcha think?! Wink wink 🙂

Anyhoo, the boys didn’t let me down with Vintage. Their beers were delicious! As if it’s not obvious, my memory kinda sucks. And although I remember very little about this past weekend, I do remember a couple of my past beers. Most memorable were the Scaredy Cat Oatmeal Stout (because every girl needs her breakfast) and the Hibiscus Saison (because it reminded me of all the beautiful flowers my admirers have given me.

I know a lot of the gnomes on here write elaborate brew reviews with tasting notes and pairing recommendations. But I’m a simple gal with simple tastes and big tits. I drank the beer, it was good, and I got drunk.

End of story.

Now how the hell am I gonna get out of this god-forsaken state?!

xoxo,
Roxy The “bitches call me a ho but they’re just off their game” Gnome

Introducing Gnomes to Paintball

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Today I ventured out of my comfort zone in The Gnome Abode and traveled to a magical land called Newark, Illinois. Instead of carrying out normal, civilized days like we gnomes generally do, they buy bags of these strange things called Paintballs.

 

Newark, Illinois residents then put these balls of paint inside of guns and shoot each other. Brilliant!

They tend to shoot each other in areas of strange terrain with stacked blue barrels and structures made of wood. They just shoot at each other over and over and over. For no reason at all!

I decided right then and there that The Gnome Abode needs one of these Newark-style fields. And we all need guns!

I called an emergency meeting as soon as I got back today. I explained and pleaded to my fellow gnomes about the need for a paintball field and my plan to build one.

My pitch was not immediately embraced, as gnomes are inherently peaceful creatures. Only one guy  was quick to pick up a gun and join me. Every revolution has to start somewhere. Practicing on the paintball will even help us learn to defend ourselves in case of future troll attacks.

My gun is camouflage to help me be just a bit more sneaky on the paintball field. I’ve picked out a plot of land for my new best buddy and I to take over and renovate for maximum shooting entertainment. Instead of those silly blue barrels, I plan to install huge concrete gnomes to serve as shields to hide behind while pummeling opponents.

Stay tuned for our grand opening in the upcoming months. And if the other gnomes don’t like it, well we have guns… so whatever.

Shoot on!
Benjamin The Gnome

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM THE DRUNK GNOMES!

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We’re all already half in the bag because Halloween is one of our very favorite holidays!

We’re hosting a costume contest later this afternoon so stay tuned for upcoming pictures! I’ve got my money on The Lady of Mt. Goom. She’s so creepy normally that she doesn’t even need to dress up.

What the hell is in that laboratory beaker!?

And Zookwinkle! Dear Zooks!

However did you get ahold of infectious waste! What is IN there?!?!?!??!??!!?

And what twisted ass gnome staged a horror scene with a bloody baby doll and a rat in a bathtub?!?! You all are messed up….

How are YOU celebrating the greatest holiday on earth?

Stay creepy, my dear gnomes.
Sketchy Andy The Gnome