The Day I Felt Up a Gnome

Hey gnome fans, Roxy here. I just celebrated a birthday and have been doing some serious soul searching since then. I used to blog in the category, Secrets of a Slutty Girl Gnome,” but now I’m starting to second guess my life’s purpose.

strippergnome

The tips aren’t that good anymore anyway.

Instead of slutting, I’ve turned to crafting. Somebody once said something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings. So in the spirit of playing instead of “playing,” here is the story of my first craft project…

In my regular following of “gnome news,” I came across an intriguing craft that I’d never heard of before. The craft is called “felting,” and this was the article: Felted Gnome Products on WCAX.com.

Felted gnome products? Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

I immediately began typing away on this Internet machine to pull up Susi Ryan’s Etsy shop, The Felted Gnome Knows. Felting, felting, WHAT THE HECK IS FELTING?!

According to Susi, “Needle Felting is a unique art. It is not an old technique, it started in the 1980s when some artists found that by using a machine felting needle they could shape wool by stabbing it . It takes many stabs, hours and bleeding fingers to sculpt wool but the results as you can see are terrific. There is something magical about wool felt creatures and paintings. It emanates warmth, strength and evokes a time when play was innocent.”

Welp, that’s enough for me! After a bit of browsing, I settled on purchasing Susi’s Felted Gnome Making Kit. A gnome making kit…just THINK of the possibilities!

What the heck am I supposed to do with all this?!

What the heck am I supposed to do with all this?!

A cute box full of supplies arrived promptly in the mail. I must admit that I was a teensy bit intimidated.

I settled in on the coffee table in the sunlight and opened up the instruction manual. Take a look at that white blog stuck with a needle onto a sponge-like thing. This is how it all began…

Head blob: check.

Head blob: check.

In an effort to bring more diversity to The Gnome Abode, I decided to create a brown gnome to join our clan. A rich hot sexy chocolate brown gnome. Mmmm…

You'd think those green things are arms but they're actually legs...GOTCHA

You’d think those green things are arms but they’re actually legs…GOTCHA

In practically no time at all, I had totally gotten the hang of felting. Basically, all you do is stab fuzzy stuff with a needle onto a sponge until it makes a certain shape. It’s a bit like sculpting, but involves adding more “stuff” on rather than whittling it away.

Hat-less hotness

Hat-less hotness

So in the end, this is how my first felting project turned out! Not only did I keep my hands busy and successfully complete my first anti-slut craft, but I also have a new boyfriend.

Finished product = my new boyfriend

Finished product = my new boyfriend

Whatever shall I name him????

xoxo,
Roxy the Gnome

P.S. – Have you tried felting? Share your tips or questions with me so I feel like I’m an integral part of the felting community…to cure my sluttiness once and for all…PLEASE!

The Day I Met Big Ears, Gnome Friend of Noddy from Enid Blyton’s Books

Ahhh, hello there gnomies. It sure is easy to get caught up on all that Facebook crap and forget home much I love my original home…the drunk blog.

Not only did I rediscover the blog, but I also discovered an old timey gnome friend that I never before knew existed.

1

He sits!

His name is Big Ears, and despite the typically normal quality of a gnome’s ears, he is a gnome friend Noddy from the Enid Blyton books. A good friend shipped him to us in the post, and my were we glad for make his acquaintance!

Some of us gnomes aren’t old enough to remember, but Big Ears was a crazy book and TV character in the mid-1900s. After doing a bit of digging, here’s what I came up with about or strange visitors distant past.

Capture1

Big Ears emerged onto the scene because of a little wooden boy named Noddy. Through a course of woodcarving, unwarranted fear, and aimless wandering, he meets Big Ears, who is sometimes referred to as a brownie.

What’s a brownie, you ask? Well I just read your mind.

According to English and Scottish folklore, a brownie is a legendary creature that resembles a hobgobiln and inhabits houses. #TheMoreYouKnow

Capture2

Well this Big Ears character was wise and lived in a toadstool house outside of Toytown. Thinking that Noddy, the wooden boy, is a toy, Big Ears takes him in, and in true gnomish fashion, takes care of him to a T.

Long story short, the Noddy and Big Ears stories were published between 1949 and 1963 – all 24 of them! He was on TV back in 1955 and a new Noddy in Toyland aired in 2011-2012. And all this time we were clueless…

Capture

We would officially like to welcome Big Ears to our humble Gnome Abode. He’s the perfect size to accompany us as we move to a brand new gnome-friendly city in the upcoming weeks!

And don’t worry…we’ll stop teasing you about your ears one of these days.

He stands!

He stands!

Have you read these books or watched this show? Recommendations welcome – I feel the need for a book/show review coming on!

xoxo,
Ramon LeBeef the Gnome

Meet Lampy…The Oldest Gnome in the World (Who’s Overseeing a Cycling Race!)

Here at The Gnome Abode, we got a guy who was born in 1970. Fips has got nothin’ on Lampy, the oldest known gnome in the world.

Lampy is the only survivor of a set of 21 garden gnomes that were important from Germany to Britain in the 1840s. An eccentric spiritualist, Sir Charles Isham, brought Lampy and his dear brothers over in 1847. They were all made out of terracotta, and the whereabouts of Lampy’s brothers’ remains is a mystery.

lampy1

Lampy: most treasured father of all gnomes

Isham’s daughters (who sound like miserable people) hated the gnomes and removed them from their property. But sneaky lil’ Lampy survived! And today, he’s considered to be the oldest garden gnome in the world.

In 1997, Lampy was insured for £1 million, and is estimated to be worth £2 million.

WHOA!

You can see Lampy for yourself inside Lamport Hall in Northamptonshire, where he’s been living for over 125 years.

“In Chelsea Flower Show’s centenary year, I can’t think of anything more fitting than an invite for Lampy,” said Lamport Hall’s assistant property manager, Neil Lyon, before the suprisingly gnome-friendly recent event.

lampy2

A replica of Lampy the garden gnome (WikiCommons)

So what’s Lampy up to these days?

Well by golly, he’s the guest of honor at an upcoming cycling race…what else?

Cycle 4 Cynthia is taking place on September 21st to raise money for Cynthia Spencer Hospice and the Northhampton charity, Kidsaid, which supports kids who’ve suffered from bullying and abuse. According to the Northampton Chronicle, participants are being encouraged to dress up like dear ole’ Lampy in his honor!

Cyclists will ride five, 25, or 50 mile routes and yes, there are prizes for best costume!

Neil Lyon, Lamport’s Assistant Property Manager, said: “I’m sure Lampy would be pleased to think that he was playing his small part in helping to raise even more money for this wonderful event and he cant wait to see all those riders with red pointed hats perched on top of their cycle helmets pedal off down the drive.”

If your little gnome legs are up for the challenge, sign up for the race at visit www.cycle4cynthia.com!

And this concludes today’s combined lesson of history and current events.

Oh and happy Labor Day to all our lazy non-working American gnomes 🙂

xoxo,
Sketchy Andy the Gnome

Did your ex-lover leave you with a broken gnome? Send him to London!

I don’t know about the rest of you gnomes, but I’ve gone through my fair share of heartbreaks breakups over the years.

This means that I’ve been stuck with a house full of painful reminders of love lost – jewelry, photo albums, teddy bears, and (gasp) even underwear. Well apparently now, there’s a place for all these unwanted and unloved things.

The Museum of Broken Relationships is the creation of Croatian ex-lovers Olinka Vištica and Dražen Grubišić. This travelling exhibition will open on 28th June at the Southbank Centre in London and run until August 31st.

And apparently, this sorry excuse for a garden gnome is among the museum’s exhibits:

museum

Photo credit: Daily Mail

Mannequin hands, dreadlocks, and an ax are also on display. What a marvelous idea!

So what’s driving you crazy to look at and provide constant reminders about “what might have been?” I’m starting up a collection to send over to London this weekend, so hit me up!

xoxo,
Roxy the Heartbroken Gnome

The Making of a Gnome Skirt

As one of literally three lady gnomes living at The Gnome Abode, the guys naturally looked to me to mend their torn overalls and ripped shirts. Just when you think you’re living in the 21st century, right?

But I didn’t let my feminism get the best of me. I gave this wonky machine a chance, and it gave me a chance in return.

Sorry boys, I’ve found a new love. And it’s not you.

sew

I told the boys to bug off while I made something for myself. I’ve been wearing the same, tired old dress every damn day for years now. It was time I made myself a skirt…A GNOME SKIRT!photo

You wouldn’t probably think to look at it, but skirt-making is an incredibly tedious process. There’s a zipper, and a hook, and an eye, and this weird stuff called interfacing, and even though you have a machine you have to sew some stuff by hand.

Personally, I still think that whole hand sew thing is whack. This is the technology age for godssake!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

But after several weeks of trials and tribulations…voilà! A completed skirt!

Whaddya think?!?

Have you caught the sewing bug? Itching to pick up some gnome fabric of your own? Check out these awesome gnome fabrics!

Any other gnome seamstresses out there? I’d love to see your stuff. Red rover, red rover, send gnome pics right over!

xoxo,
Roxy the crafty gnome