Introducing McCartney! The lead singer for Amish Meth Lab!!!

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is McCartney and I am most pleased to make your acquaintance.

As a world-renown English musician, singer-songwriter and composer, I am listed in the Guinness World Records as the “most successful musician and composer in popular gnome music history”, with 60 gold disks and sales of 100 million singles in the United Kingdom alone.


I am the founder and backbone of Amish Meth Lab. I am the responsible one who schedules band practices and gets books all our gigs. Without me, those other jackoffs would still be playing in my ex-girlfriend’s basement. I have mastered every instrument that a gnome is capable of holding. However, my most recent passion is singing and conducting with a magical wand of “pixie” dust. A sprinkling of “pixie” dust is emitted from the tip of the magical wand, and suddenly our audiences love us!

Peace, love, and rock & roll,

McCartney The Gnome

Zookwinkle’s Morning After: A St. Patrick’s Day Survival Story

I’m sometimes mistaken for a leprechaun. Okay, so my skin tone is kind of green. It’s a medical condition and I’m seeking dermatology treatment. SO LAY OFF! Ironically, St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite holiday.

This is my survival story, with photographic documentation of my increasing intoxication throughout the day. I hope you enjoy my story and I hope your story was just as interesting….

1. I arrived at the pre-party around 10:30, which was in a high rise next to the lake. A couple of my favorite gnome buddies were there, and there were a lot of strange gnomes I’d never met before. As soon as I saw that the bathtub was full of beer, I knew this day was off to a good start. I cracked open a couple of Irish brews that were festive but mediocre in taste. Our taste buds were still in tact at this early stage of the day.

2. The random crowd splits up into several directions, but of course I choose the option that is in the direction of the bar. Our first bar stop is to Waterhouse. That’s what it was called although I certainly didn’t drink any water there. Well Miller Lite is practically water, so I guess the bar name was partially correct. My four other gnome comrades and I ordered some appetizers to get a good base in our stomachs for all the beer that was to come.

3. Our next stop was a house party in Wicker Park. Upon our arrival, we discovered that we knew absolutely no gnomes at this party and no gnomes new us. On any day other than St. Patrick’s day this might have been awkward. However, we quickly found a keg of green beer, red solo cups, and an upstairs patio to enjoy the warm sunshine.

4. After the feeling of intruding upon a random family party of old people became too much to bear, we decided to scope our a bar around the corner, Jack & Gingers. A couple gnomes stayed behind at the house party and a couple others joined us at the next bar. I decided it was time to switch over to some Irish whiskey. I mean the bar name was Jack & Gingers for god’s sake.

5. Then I discovered that shitty old man beer was only $2.50. Taste buds = numb. Wallet = almost empty. Standards getting lower.

6. And then my standards got even lower. And my blood alcohol content level got even higher. 7. I started feeling a little queasy, so I figured it was time for an early evening snack. Ya just can’t beat big salty pretzels and gooey fake cheese.

8. The sun started to go down and we needed a change of scenery. My hardcore gnome buddy, Leonardo, and I split from the group and wandered into a bar called 6 Corners. I only remember seeing 4 of the corners, but everything was a little hazy by this point. It was so dark in here that I lied down for just a brief moment for a nap until Leonardo rudely kicked me away and shoved a Bells Amber Ale in front of me. 9. To wake me up, I thought I’d give vodka a try! Why not?! I ordered an orange flavored vodka and diet coke. Suddenly I started feeling my second wind coming on. 10. Then I lost my friends. I look around and I’m sitting on the bar stool all by my lonesome. Why does this always happen to me? Does everyone secretly hate me?!11. Whatever screw ’em all. I’m headed to da club!These little gnome feet of mine are ready for to hit the dance floor. I stumbled down the road past all of the other stumbling gnomes dressed in green and into a club called Crocodile. I ordered a fishbowl full of god-knows-what. I saw the bartender pour like eight different things into this. I didn’t ask questions. It was goooooood.

12. That fishbowl did me in though. I was dancing like I’ve never danced before…I’m such an amazing dancer when I’m drunk. And then it hit me. I felt the vomit rising from my stomach, pushed through the crowds, flung open the bathroom door, and reached the Porcelain Goddess just in time. I will spare you from the photo documenting the projectile aftermath…it’s pretty gruesome. 

13. I’m pretty sure I blacked out after because I don’t remember getting home at all. I might have taken a cab, I might have taken the train, I might have hitchhiked….I’m really not sure. But I woke up in my own bed this morning, cuddling with my teddy bears. I would have rather woken up in some hot gnome chick’s bed cuddling with her, but eh oh well.14. So in conclusion, I survived another St. Patrick’s Day. Today will be spent nursing my hangover with coconut water and prescription drugs. 

Wishing you all a speedy hangover recovery and ample time for naps,

Zookwinkle The Gnome

St. Paddy’s Day 9AM Kegs & Eggs at The Gnome Abode!

We’ve already started boozin’ over in The Gnome Abode….how ’bout you? Ya gotta do kegs & eggs for St. Patrick’s Day! C’mon people, don’t get old and lame just yet.

Beer? Check. Beads? Check. Flask? Check.

Eggs? Eggs? EGGS?!? Roxy was supposed to bring the eggs. Where the hell is that little slut. We’re starving!

Roxy? Roxy! Answer this blog post ASAP!!!


Leonardo The Gnome and the rest of the Gnome Gang

Dream Interpretation from the Gnomish Subconscious

Some people suffer from a condition where they walk in their sleep, also known as somnambulism.

Other people suffer from a condition where they fall asleep at random times, also known as narcolepsy.



Still other people suffer from a condition where they eat in their sleep, also known as parasomnia.

Well gnomes don’t suffer from any of those conditions. We have a predisposition to suffer from a condition far worse…..sleep drawing, also known as penangeling.

It’s true. I seem to have developed this common gnome condition where I draw in my sleep. I saw a flyer for a penangeling support group on a light post the other day, but back then I was too naive to think it would ever happen to me.

Then in an instant, my life changed. This morning I woke up at the sound of my alarm, peeled off my eye mash, pushed my snuggly stuffed bunny to the side, and found this monstrosity on the pillow next to me. What the hell is this?! What does it mean! I’ve never even been to South Dakota! Those drops of blood are making me squeamish!

I’ve spent all day scouring the Interweb for an explanation of what the hell my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. This is what Dream Forth ( tells me:

To dream of a hammer suggests hardiness, power, control, and other male values. To dream of the direction south symbolizes anticipation, existence, and uncertainty. To dream about a dragon suggests that you allow your desires and emotions get the best of you.

So…. I’m getting too emotional about the uncertainty of my power? I’m confused. If there are any dream analyst experts out there reading this, please weigh in. I beg you, please. I’m scared to go to sleep tonight for fear of what I will find that I drew tomorrow morning.

Anxiously throwing all of my art supplies into the recycling bin,

Pablo The Gnome

How Gnomes Build March Madness Brackets

As the resident jock of this gnome gang, I’m sending this friendly reminder to you all to make your March Madness bracket picks this morning. What? You think just because we’re gnomes we don’t follow college basketball?! Bitch, please.

Okay fine, so this IS the first year that we’re doing a gnome bracket tournament, but I hope this will be the first of many new gambling opportunities in the future. Gamble more! Work less! Gamble more! Work less!

Now that we have a laptop set up in the backyard, I came across an article about these wacky bracket obsessions that have spread across corporate America, decreasing workplace productivity by people that don’t even give a shit about sports. See I told you so:

Unfortunately, that’s the only article I read about these brackets. I didn’t read any articles on how to actually construct a bracket. I figured constructing a bracket meant doing some sort of woodworking project so I pulled out my toolbox and started sawing. As I’ve said before, I’m the resident jock, NOT the resident woodworker. It was only a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

I’m typing to you all today with one hand because my other little gnome hand looks like this! Ow freaking ow! Fortunately, Jerry was shoveling nearby when the saw took on its own agenda and he ran over to rescue me from those evil saw teeth. Thinking quickly, he found some tighty whities next to the back dumpster to wrap around my bleeding hand. I didn’t even have to make a trip to the ER this time! Jerry can be so resourceful. And I’m actually getting kinda used to the stench of these dirty underwear on my hand.

While explaining to Jerry the string of events that led up to this horrific incident, he started laughing hysterically. WTF, Jerry?! Apparently, making a bracket doesn’t involve woodworking at all! You just click names of basketball teams on a computer! Well that would have been nice to know a couple hours ago!

Jerry took the time to show me what a March Madness bracket ACTUALLY looked like and how to fill it in. I feel like I’m totally losing credibility as the resident jock now, but at least I have another injury story. Everyone loves a good injury story over a beer or seven.

So here’s what my bracket looks like. I’m pretty confident that I’m going to kick every other gnome’s ass in this game.  But I need some competitors to talk shit to and help decrease my productivity. So go fill out your brackets now, but don’t try to build one. I learned my lesson the hard way so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Bleeding on the keyboard but I don’t have any diseases so it’s okay,

Benjamin The Gnome