Zookwinkle arrested in Illegal Gnome Trade Scandal!

As the loyal online followers you all are, I’m sure that you recall my recent disturbing post which documented my revelation that I had unknowingly been working for an illegal gnome trade cartel.


Well I write to inform you all today, that justice has been served. Or at least begun to be served. Well at least one dude was caught. You gotta start somewhere, right?

Last Friday, there was a huge bust in an undisclosed high rise building around the busy intersection of Dearborn and Adams. The GPD was in full force and the gnome cops were riding horses (which I found to be incredibly amusing in a “giddy-up cowboy” kinda way).

It was just revealed in today’s Gnome Daily News morning show that one of the ringleaders of the illegal gnome trade cartel is one of our very own!


He’s a regular blog poster on this site and seemed to be a pretty alright gnome. It just goes to show that you really don’t know anyone….not even the ones you live with. Where does this leave us gnomes and all of humanity? God, I’m getting depressed.

Anyway, the news report said that Zookwinkle was arrested and hauled off to the police station for waterboarding and flogging. The most recent Twitter update indicates that he is still be confined in shackles and chains in the Interview Room, as the GPD attempts to extract the names of other prominent criminals in this horrific scandal.

But don’t you worry….as soon as I hear any updates about that evil Zookwinkle’s conviction, sentencing, or blood pressure levels, you’ll be the first to know.

I still can’t believe Zookwinkle was involved in this. We just had lunch at the Corner Bakery last Tuesday and he never even blinked an eye when I mentioned my discovery about who I’d been inadvertently working for.

I need to pop some happy pills. We’ll talk soon, okay?

Phillip The Gnome

Chicago Cubs Gnome Sighting, Courtesy of New Gnome Scout, Titi!


Yet another gnome sighting captured by our newest Gnome Scout, Titi!

This sporty lil’ dude appears to be a Chicago Cubs fan. I’m more of a football gnome myself so I can’t really offer much of an opinion about anything baseball related whatsoever. But I will anyway. From what I’ve heard through the chain link fences, this packaged chubb-ster could probably teach that team a thing or eight about how to win a freaking game.

Yeah! Bring on the hate mail! Bring it!

Even though baseball kinda sucks in general, I decided to do some research. You will never believe what I’ve discovered. There are a TON of gnomes that play baseball! Check out this site I found which scopes out gnomes for player trades and team swaps:


I had no idea that gnomes were into baseball at all! And that they let chick gnomes play baseball! Chicks!? Who knew?!

My attention span is dwindling with all this SNOOZEball talk. So yeah, we hired this new Gnome Scout, Titi, this week! Titi is a little bit different than any of other Gnome Scouts that we’ve hired. You see, Titi is a CAT!

It is well known that gnomes and cats generally don’t get along at all. However, Titi presented us with an exquisite resume, impressive references, and a case of vintage wine. The wine is pretty freaking good so we made an exception.

(Sidebar: I can’t stop stroking her fuzzy fur. Is that inappropriate for a new hire? I mean, she’s not exactly objecting. And she tells me she is of legal cat age.)

We gnomes tend to get stuck in our old seventeenth century ways, but we are slowly becoming more open minded and welcoming to other species. As long as they don’t fuck us over.

This means you, Titi.

<3 Benjamin The Gnome <3

The Macarena, A Photo Booth, and a Vomit-Stained Apron

So I met the girl gnome of my dreams Saturday night. We happened to be at the same wedding because she was a bridesmaid and I was a groomsman. Her name was Tabitha and she’s totally famous.

She’s a movie star from L.A. and for some reason threw it all away to pursue some douchebag that didn’t even give her the time of day during the entire reception. She kept hanging all over him and he was too wasted to even notice.

This schmuck, Jerry, who apparently claims to be King over all of us, spent the entire wedding reception in the open bar line while Tabitha played with her smartphone and complained to everyone who would listen. I was one of those gnomes who would listen. I’m a great listener. The over-privileged but under-appreciated Queen-wannabe poured out her heart to me over a few bottles of champagne and some weird cake with goopy frosting.

I was concerned that King Jerry would see us together and kick my ass in a jealous rage. However, Tabitha reassured me that he had been puking in the urinal for the past hour and that there was nothing to worry about. That was my cue to ask her to  dance.

Wedding reception music is always awful, no matter how cool you think the bride and groom are or how good of taste in music they have in their daily lives. Irregardlessly, Tabitha and I rocked the shit out of ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ and ‘The Macarena’.

We made a stop at the photo booth to take a dance break. It didn’t matter that we were sweaty and a bit dissheveled from the wild dance floor shennanigans. She looked so beautiful and I had to capture our moment together in case it was our only one. She told me that she hadn’t had so much fun with anyone since she moved here from Cali.

I asked for her number. She said she’d see me around The Abode.

King Jerry’s buddy, Maurice, gave me a stern tap on the shoulder as we exited the photo booth and told me I’d better skedaddle if I knew what was good for me. Phillip and Horace were practically dragging King Jerry’s drunk ass from the bathroom and  plopped him down in front of my beautiful princess. King Jerry grabbed Tabitha’s arm to pull himself up, smearing fresh vomit all over her pristine white apron, and demanded that she drive him home.

Tabitha pulled him to a semi-standing position, gave me a half-assed wave, and escorted him towards the parking lot. I don’t know why she puts up with that. She’s so much better that that. She can do so much better than him. I know he’s King and all, but what an ass! I might not be able to offer her a crown, but I could offer her happiness, which seems like something she’s never truly experienced before.

I think of Tabitha every minute of every day. I think about how I can make her see that she belongs with me. I think about how I can crush Jerry’s Kingdom and make my own with my beautiful Tabitha.

Love-struck and heartbroken all at once,

The Book of Genesis The Gnome


Attack of the Killer Gummy Worms!!!

I thought I was hallucinating. I thought it was the Honey Jack Daniels that had been flowing through my liver for the past three days. But this shit is real. And we are under attack.

As you may or may not be aware, there is some serious prejudice and segregation between the big gnomes and the small gnomes around the Abode. I like to think I’m somewhat of a middle-man. Or maybe I’m too drunk to judge size most the time.

I stumbled in around 10am today and instead of getting the usual array of questions from the small gnomes regarding my weekend whereabouts, I was greeted with screams of anguish and despair.

AN INFESTATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always thought it was the slave gnomes’ (I mean the small gnomes’) job to keep the Abode nice and tidy while the big guys go out and hunt stuff and kill things. The small ones must not be keeping up their end of the bargain because this kind of filth is just unacceptable.

The gnome chef who has been in charge of feeling us all three times a day every day for the past 48 years became seemed to suffer the most severe gummy worm-related injuries as a result of this infestation.

Apparently, the worms liked him the best because he was covered in the most crumbs. Go figure.

We’ve called an exterminator, but none of us will be resting very easy tonight. Every time I turn my flask-shaped head, I swear I see a multi-colored worm slithering across the Abode floor. I can almost just feel them crawling all over me every time I inadvertently close my eyes because the whiskey starts to settle in again.

All I can do is pray to the gnome gods that be all make it ’til morning without being strangled or swallowed whole.

Terrified, paranoid, and running out of whiskey,

Yankee Doodle The Gnome

Always a gnome bridesmaid, never a gnome bride…

Today is this bitch’s wedding that I agreed to be a bridesmaid in for some reason. I met this bitch back when we were students at The Etiquette Academy of Elite Gnomettes and she’s a bitch because she’s getting married.

All things aside, she’s pretty much perfect and wholesome…..former Gnome Corps volunteer, tutor for underprivileged gnome kids, etc, etc. But I would much rather be spending my precious Saturday at the new massage parlor next door than standing up next to that bitch in a hideous dress pretending to be happy for her when it is ME who should be the one in the white dress! Not this hideous purple thing that glows in the dark!


When is Jerry going to propose to me and make me Queen of The Gnome Abode?! He sure is taking his sweet time. I getting any younger, you know. I’m bringing him along as my wedding date in hopes that he will pick up on my less than subtle hint that is it HIS turn to step up to the plate and grow some gnome balls.

I simply despite going to events in which I am not the center of attention. What’s the point?

I changed Jerry’s desktop background on his work computer to this image last week just to give him a subtle hint. Either he had better propose to me with this exact diamond by the end of the reception or I’ll have to sabotage the marriage of my bitch friend and whoever the hell this schmuck is that she’s marrying today. If I can’t be Queen, then no one gets to be happy. Not in The Gnome Abode.


Vindictive and determined,

Tabitha the soon-to-be Queen Gnome