Monthly Archives: May 2012

Gnot the Proper Gnomenclature: A Big Ass Gnome in Vegas!

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So I’m doing some late night packing for my upcoming trip to Zion National Park and     Las Vegas this weekend. I’m planning to do two days of canyoneering, camp out for a couple nights, and get strangers to capture amazing photos of me in beautiful locations like this:

After conquering every canyon known to gnomekind, I plan to top off my journey with some drunk time by the pool and throwing away my life’s earnings at the blackjack tables.

As with all of my journeys, I seek out famous gnome to visit and use my networking skills to make best friends with them.  Las Vegas artist, Jesse Smigel, has assisted a nine-foot gnome with setting up his home behind an empty arts factory! Jesse’s work of art (a.k.a. huge nameless gnome’s new residence) is called “Gnot the Proper Gnomenclature”.

Gnot bad, if I do say so myself. Check it out!

http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/news/2012/may/02/whats-giant-gnomes-arts-district/

“I’m hoping people will see it from afar and say, ‘Is that a goddamn garden gnome?’” Smigel says.

Now THIS is a gnome I have GOT to meet! I have submitted an appointment request with him for Sunday afternoon and am anxiously awaiting my confirmation email.

To be continued….

Sheldon the Gnome

GNOME-NAPPING ALERT! Hide yo wives! Hide yo kids!

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Parental discretion advised….

On the evening of Cinco de Mayo, 2012, a miscellaneous gnome who had a few too many margaritas (on the rocks with salt) mysteriously disappeared. Foul play is suspected.

The aforementioned missing gnome goes by the name, AguaMelón. He’s a tiny son-of-a gun and holds residence inside the glove compartment of a Mexican watermelon truck, where he was works as the chief salesman of over-sized fruit.

Around 10:04pm CST, AguaMelón was spotted with this gentleman, who we shall refer to as SUSPECT #1.

SUSPECT #1 appeared to be under the influence of some type of mind-altering liquid substance, as proven hear by the holding of a most suspicious blue cup. The identity of SUSPECT #1 has not yet been revealed to the public.

Later that evening, AguaMelón was spotted with this overly-Jubilant gentleman, who we shall refer to as SUSPECT #2.

Although no proof of intoxication has surfaced, it is clear that SUSPECT #2 is wearing a disguise because really….who has a mustache that really looks like that?

Some officers in the Gnome Police Department (GPD) have developed a controversial theory. Their theory states that neither SUSPECT #1 nor SUSPECT #2 are likely to be the gnomenapper of AguaMelón.

Take notice of the hand holding AguaMelón in each of these two photographs. It’s the same hand! Wearing the same sleeve! This hand shall be referred to as SUSPECT #3.

If anyone out there has any information on the owner of this hand, you are encouraged to contact the GPD immediately at 1-900-GPD-YEAH.

 

Gnome Scandal Revealed! Gnome Promiscuity Investigated!

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Good afternoon, my minions.

One of our Gnome Scouts, “Hurricane”, snapped this candid photo of two gnomes making out on a balcony. A PUBLIC balcony! Right in plain sight! Have they no shame?

A true lady would never be caught in such a promiscuous and disgraceful position. It is times like this that I must quote the lyrical genius, Ludacris.

“We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” ~ Ludacris

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7mXwCktyIY

 

As the high class lady that I was raised to be, I am truly appalled at the direction in which our gnomish culture is turning. I’ve been researching promiscuity since 7am to see how I can help to put a stop to this epidemic. One thing I am sure about….I’m never going to Finland! They are rated the #1 promiscuous country! But then again, what is there really else to do in Finland. The United States, where The Gnome Abode is, comes in at #22. Well at least in 2000. Perhaps the figures were skewed back then due to the impending doom of Y2K.

Since apparently Roxy has gone on some equally appalling hitchhiking mission, I am the only woman left here. I need to set an example of morality to this lawless gnome community so that they look up to me as a figure of purity when I get King Jerry to make me his wife.

How’s that going, you ask? Eh I don’t know. He booty-called me at 3am completely SMASHED after a night out with the boys. Yes, I let him come over. No, I’m not a hypocrite!

Okay, back to my promiscuity research. I had to take a break and blog a bit because I was getting too turned on. You wouldn’t believe what they put on websites these days!

Oooo ahhh,

Tabitha The Gnome

Gnome-themed drinks to get you grunk!

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Yo yo yo! It’s Friday afternoon. You got a stiff drink in that tiny ceramic hand of yours?

No? NO?!? LAME.

“But….but…um….well….Leonardo, I…um….don’t know what to….um….drink.” – Annonomous Lame Gnome

BITCH, PLEASE. LEONARDO TO THE RESCUE!

Here’s a starter list of gnome themed drinks to get you grunk:

Naughty Gnome Recipe

Horny Toad Stool Recipe

Esprit d’Achouffe

  • Description: The ESPRIT D’ACHOUFFE is an ‘eau de vie’ (brandy) distilled from beer that is 5 years old. A very delicate ‘eau-de-vie’, reminiscent of ‘grappa’
  • Packaging : Decorated stoneware bottle of 500ml
  • Alcohol  : 40% alc./vol.
  • Storage : Always keep in a fridge
  • Serving temperature : from 0 to 10°C in a 40ml glass
  • http://www.achouffe.be/en/nos-bieres/nos-produits/

This is your mission, should you choose to accept it.  Text me in a few hours about how your mission is going. I’ll try to respond before I pass out.

Your friendly alcohol educator,

Leonardo the Gnome

Screw everyone. I’m hitchhiking.

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So yeah get this. I’ve been riding around in this smelly ass van now for over a month with what I thought was the HOTTEST BAND EVER, Amish Meth Lab. We’ll they’re getting kinda lame. So it’s time for me to bail.

The band hasn’t had a gig since I’ve been riding along with them. Ugh. We keep making these stupid pit stops in boofoo middle of nowhere shit towns in Wyoming and whatever that state next to Wyoming is. Meh. We’ve been out of pot for about a week now. WTF? I’ve hooked up with each of them, and I can’t say any of the four were all that memorable. Womp womp.

Yeah, it’s time. So I guess this is my farewell letter to the band or something. It’s not really worth the dramatic confrontation to me to do it person, so bloggidy blog blog blog. GET IT?!

I did learn something by hanging out with Amish Meth Lab this path month at least. I learned that it doesn’t take SHIT for talent to be a rock star! Therefore, (drum roll, please) I am going to be the next big girl gnome pop singer! Mark my words. You read ’em here first!

I can dance like yo’ momma wouldn’t want you to see. And I can lip sync pretty freaking good.

Brittany Beavers is totally what I wanna be….and what I know I can be! Ever since she won Gnome Idol last season, I’ve been stalking her on Twitter. I think we could totally be, like, best friends forever.

Based on Brittany’s last Twitter post, she’s gonna be touring around some clubs in NYC for a few weeks. So that’s where I’m headed. Do I gotta car? Nope. I don’t need one! Do I got tits. Ah hells yeah!

I got a extra-small size tank top on and extra tube of lipstick in my purse. I’m hittin’ the highway, bitches. Pick me up if you see my stuttin’ my stuff along the interstate, will ya? If you’re good, you might get something in return. If you’re not, you’ll get a bullet to the eyeball. Don’t even think for a second that I’m not carrying a 9mm in my garter belt!!

See ya on the side of the road, (I think I’m still somewhere in Wyoming, but I’m not exactly sure),

Roxy the Gnome