Monthly Archives: July 2012

TEXAS BEWARE: Sheldon is invading with cattle, guns and Republicans.

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I’ve got my cowboy hat ready and am ready to invade Texas today!

I’ve never been to Texas before, but I have the great pleasure of accompanying two lovely ladies to the deep south for a long weekend of Yee Haw’s and Giddy Up’s.

What do I expect during my Texas trip? Hmmmm….perhaps some longhorn cattle?

A bunch of Republicans?

Definitely a whole bunch of guns!

I’m hoping to come back with a southern accent and a tanned raw hide. Surely that’ll make Yankee lady gnomes will definitely swoon and god knows it’s, well, been awhile.

Yippie ki-yay,

Sheldon The Ultimate Traveling Gnome

Roxy’s Diner: Now open for business! Kinda.

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OMG OMG OMG! Sugar Daddy Humps just gave me a diner! My very own diner inside the Stratosphere Hotel on The Strip!!!

As you may recall, this body builder of a gnome named Hubert H. Humperdinker picked me up poolside at the Stratosphere a little while ago. Our affair has been hoTTT to say the least. That big lug sure knows how to please a lady gnome.

Last night he got me really drunk off sake and handed me a stack of papers. I saw the words “CONTRACT”, “SLAVE”, and “LEGALLY BINDING” on a few pages, but those had too many words on them to actually read it. Besides, I couldn’t exactly see straight. I think I signed something, but I might have been doodling instead.

Anyhoo, I woke up this morning with a worse-than-average hangover to find a key and a yellow Post-it note next to the beside table. Humps was gone. Probably out hustling on the corner so he can take me out for a nice fish dinner tonight. The note said “Roxy’s Diner is open for breakfast, so you’d better get a move on.”

Um.

I don’t know the first thing about cooking, but look at these dishes! Soooooo cuuuuuuute!

And these coffee mugs! OMG I loooooove coffee!

I’ve never held down a real gig before, but perhaps this is The New Roxy. The legitimate diner-owning Roxy. Business gnomelady. Rich bitch to the max.

Shit. People are starting to line up at the entrance. I guess I need to let them in, don’t I? Where can I get a waitress? And a cook? And food to cook? And more than  4 pieces of dishware?

Shit. This is gonna be a long day….

Deep sigh of confusion,

Roxy the Gnome

Parental Gnome Scout Sighting in Strasburg, Illinois!

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Our master and goddess of all gnomekind, Gnomeplaya, has even gotten her human parental units interested in our culture! No joke! What amazing influence she has upon us, our society, and everyone everywhere!

With no provocation whatsoever, Female Parental Unit and Male Parental Unit journeyed to the small town of Strasburg, Illinois. This middle-of-nowhere location was rumored to be a “gnome-themed town” with more than 500 of the mystical garden creatures living in gardens around the village’s businesses and houses.

http://www.strasburgil.com/

According to an official report filed by Female Parental Unit and Male Parental Unit:

We remembered an article that we’d read a couple of years ago in the Champaign News-Gazette about Strasburg (about 45-50 minutes south of Arthur) having lots of gnomes.  So–today we went to Strasburg to check out the gnomes.  There really weren’t many.  We were disappointed.  But–I took some photos of the few they had and will try to send them to you.  They had 2 painted gnomes on buildings–one on a concession stand at the ballpark and at the bank.  There were 2 statues at the sign coming into town and one in front of the Community Bldg.

They were disappointed?!? Aw shucks. Sounds like we all need to pitch in and beef up Strasburg’s reputation! A call to ceramic arms!

What other gnomie homies are down for a restoration road trip this weekend? Hit up my cell!

Oh yeah, and Happy Friday Gnomies!

Leonardo The Gnome

Monkey/Horse/Canoe/Wheelbarrow Whatnot In Wisconsin

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Now that The Gnome Abode is finally back to a point of stability after the brutal takeover of the evil St. Bastille Day (whose birthday is this Saturday! Everyone be sure to send presents!), I can finally post about my recent Wisconsin vacation. As you may recall, I won the lottery to accompany Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow on a magical journey to Devil’s Lake. Oooooo…sounds scary….I know.

We stayed at the Wheeler Campground, which was awesome. The owners were awesome, the camp store was awesome, the shower facilities were awesome, and the secluded woodsy campsite was awesome. Need I explain any more awesomeness!

I did have to share my tent with the monkeys: Happy, Fatty, and Nappy. Fatty was actually “acquired” on this Wisconsin trip at a magical place called Wal-Mart. Nappy was born there too. They must be distantly related somehow. I dont’ really get monkey genetics. Irregardlessly, the monkeys are alright folk. They get annoying from time to time, but overall they are excellent playmates.

Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow went on a rock climbing adventure, which I promptly declined to join. A fat, sleepy gnome climbing rocks? No thank you. I demanded wheelbarrow transport from one destination to another.

I did decide to join the others on a horseback riding adventure. Look at me in the saddle! Who knew that gnomes and horses could get along?! I plan to write up a pitch to The Gnome Abode Board of Directors to petition for a pet horse. I really think it would boost morale for all of us.

Horses’ asses are pretty soft too. I never fell off even once!

More reluctantly, I joined the others on a canoe/fishing trip. I brought along some Swedish Fish for bait. Hysterical laughter ensued.  No fish were caught. And this will likely be my first and last fishing trip. Don’t think I didn’t hear about what happened to Seamus! That poor bastard and his lack of feet. Sigh.

Fortunately, the trip ended with my favorite part of traveling….BOOZE! Look at me here with a craft beer sampler platter.from Water Street Brewery in Milwaukee, Wisconsin: http://www.waterstreetbrewery.com/

Sampler platters are the BEST because I don’t have to make up my mind and the glasses are gnome-sized. I was eh so-so about all the beers I tasted here. Nothing was significant and nothing stuck in my memory as being amazing (see above reference to Wheeler Campground for a good definition of amazing).

I felt very welcome in Wisconsin….the tents, the monkeys, the horses, the Swedish fish, and the mediocre beer.

This was my first out-of-state trip EVER! Seamus will be so jealous and Sheldon won’t give a fuck b/c he’s probably doing something way more amazing and we all hate him.

Peace out,

Maurice The Gnome

 

Rabies Rhymes With Babies. Coincidence?

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Check out the cool new “surf blue” Jeep on our blog’s cover page! That dastardly photo documenting St. Bastille Day’s brief reign over The Gnome Abode has been removed and tossed into a fire pit I made in the living room.

Gnomes love Jeeps! Especially this one!

Kamikaze has the best driving skills out of all of us, so he usually takes us out to do our errands. The broom he holds helps to push the petal thingies.

Now that we have successfully defeated that evil (and way horny) lizard St. Bastille Day, we don’t expect him to be taking up our well-deserved Jeep privileges as much anymore.

And according to a Jeep dealership in Vancouver, Jeeps are incredibly gnome-safe!

 You won’t accidentally “kill” garden gnomes with a Jeep
One conspicuous fault that all SUVs and light trucks share in common is the interminable presence of a “blind spot” at the back of the vehicle. Even when all three rear view mirrors are facing squarely at the middle portion of the rear, it’s still impossible to gauge if you’re not in danger of running over something (i.e. the aforementioned garden gnome) or someone (i.e. your cat). Thankfully, folks like the Vancouver Jeep dealers are only too aware of this problem. The solution? Make the mirrors wide enough to accommodate the view, and just to make sure, early collision detectors like the compass, auto dimmer, and thermometer are all prerequisite safety features of a Jeep that will help you ensure that no gnome will die in vain.

– http://www.squidoo.com/vancouver-jeep

Peep sqiddily doo!

X’mores The Gnome