Just FYI – I got in a bar fight and I’ve been paralyzed. I’m too drugged up to remember anything else after that last sweet tea vodka.

I’m held together by Scotch tape and have serious concerns about the quality of healthcare in Texas.

Miserable and humiliated. Somebody send me fucking flowers.

Sheldon the paralyzed gmome

We rescued an Austin gnome from hippie consumerism!

I would like to introduce everyone back at The Abode to our newest member. We rescued him from the confines of hippie consumerism from an Austin stop called Monkey See Monkey Do. AWESOME shop by the way. MONKEYS would have loved it!

This plush gnome who remains nameless at this time was found by us on a random backshelf all alone and slightly deformed. His moustache had come unglued and he was the only of his kind. The sales guy said he was meant to put a kleenex box inside him and pull tissues through his mouth. We will let him decide how he wants to live his life from this moment forward.

Sheldon and the new dude from Texas

Drunken Texas Update

Everything’s bigger in Texas…..especially the drinks!

San Antonio was pretty fun….some amazing photos of me are forthcoming! Patience my darlings! Just got to Austin and preparing for tomorrow’s adventures.

I found this Kindle Fire in the hotel lobby and “borrowed” it before hitting the hot tub. There’s a show about ghost hunting on the Travel Channel and half a bottle of chocolate cake vodka on nightstand so all is honkey dorey.

I had a minor mishap that landed me in the ER earlier today but I’m still totally emotional and would rather not discuss the ordeal at the moment so don’t push me motha#&-%*!

Shoutout to my gnomies at The Abode!

What’s up with these monkeys who keep posting on our blog? Sure they’re nice and all but don’t monkeys have their own blog? Ive never even seen the monkeys drunk. I don’t trust anyone who isn’t drunk.

Sheldon the Temporary Texan

Fellowship of the Monkeys, hooray!

Hiiiiii!!! We are monkey and monkeys are we, hooray!!!

We heard about all the adventures gnomes have, so we went on our own adventure today, hooray! Fatty, Nappy, Crazy, Manatee and Friends and I (Lucky) went to go find some monkey cookies that we heard were stashed in the cupboards, hooray!

It was a long and arduous journey. We left on the journey from our comfy couch at 10am. We had to cross a vast field full of obstacles to get to the kitchen. First we traversed a monkey computer, hooray!

Then we came across a colorful, evil-looking skull. Crazy was the only one crazy enough to cross it. But he found the skull to be good natured, so the rest of us passed without harm, hooray!

After that we encountered an abominable blue monkey lurking behind a monkey totem pole. Nappy used his diplomatic skills to negotiate a passage. Turns out the abominable monkey, whom we found out is named How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck, was more afraid of us than we were of him. But Nappy did a great job making friends, just as he did negotiating the Great Gnome Abode Coup 2012, and we were on our way to the kitchen, hooray!

The final obstacle was getting to the cupboard. Fatty, Nappy and I built a monkey totem pole, while Manatee and Friends supervised. Crazy climbed over us to the delicious monkey cookies, hooray!

We came back with the spoils and have a great feast! Everyone had one cookie each, but Fatty ate three, and Binky (aka Mini Fatty) had two, hooray!

And then Crazy went off on his own to set off some fireworks. We were scared and didn’t take a picture, but it looked something like this.

Now we are tired from our journey. And typing. So we’re going to go nap with Nappy, hooray!