Monthly Archives: November 2012

I’m Baaaaaaaack From the Desert!!!!!!!!

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Hola gnome neighbors!

As of about 2am this morning, I have arrived back to The Gnome Abode from my journey to Death Valley. There was a brief stint in Vegas, but I’m undecided as to whether those travel details will be released.

As you may have guessed from the lack of blog posts, there was zero phone or interweb reception out there in the desert, so I have lots to tell you all!

However, for now I must sleep off this pesky hangover and organize my amazing photograph collection from the trip.

In the meantime, I’ll just say that the “hottest and driest place in North America” was cold and rainy during my stay there. WTF?!

Until I’m more coherent….
Pablo The Desert Gnome

Later, bitches! I’m Goin’ to Death Valley!

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Move over, Zookwinkle. Step aside, Sheldon. There’s still fairness in The Gnome Abode!

I, Pablo The Gnome (along with my trusty Runny Babbit), have been selected by random lottery to join Gnomeplaya and Gnomecow on a magical journey to Death Valley!

We depart this evening and rumor has it that our flight is delayed. I’ve never been on a plane before. So I can only assume that “delayed” means that everything is working A-OK!

We’re flying into Vegas….for one night and one night only. I was relieved to learn that Happy Go Lucky The Monkey is coming along on this trip as well. You see, Happy was born in Vegas….he was “won” by Gnomeplaya at a carnival game involving tossing balls into buckets at Circus Circus. So he should be able to show me a good time this evening.

Then tomorrow, we’re off to the desert for loads of backpacking, hiking, camping, and dehydration! I have no idea what to expect, but since I’ve never had the honor of being a “travel gnome” before, I’m stoked! Runny Babbit is too!

We’ll try to send back an occasional picture or two to share on the blog.

Wish me luck!

Goodbye kisses,
Pablo, the latest and greatest traveling gnome

How I Found Two Dates in a Corn Maze

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Hey ya’ll! I recon you’ve been hearing about me. Apparently, they don’t see too many lady gnomes around here and I’m the newest lady of the bunch.

I’m Lurleen and I was named after a famous county singer. I’m an aspiring country singer too but more than I love country music, I LOVE PUMPKINS!

I’m the eldest lady gnome in The Gnome Abode and it’s getting rough for these old bones of mine to stand all days like those young whippersnappers do. I picked up these here pumpkins back in ’86 and haven’t stood up from them since!

To welcome me to the clan, my new friends at The Abode invited me to go to a corn maze and a pumpkin patch. I figured why not? That’s right up my alley!

My poor knees wouldn’t let me walk around the corn maze so I just positioned myself in the middle of it so everyone could walk by me to hear my music and introduce themselves.

How sweet my music must have been because all the boys were stopping by to say hello! What a lovely confidence booster for an aging gal like myself!

A nice young lad named Boris Periwinkle asked me to go fishing the next morning. The thought of catching fish made me squeamish, but for the sake of making new friends, I agreed to the date.

Although he didn’t catch a gosh dern thing, he was quite the gentleman. He held his little lantern up for me to see under the pier and complimented me on my dark skin tone.

Much to my surprise, not only gnomes were at this corn maze. There were also monkeys! I never knew that gnomes and monkeys lived so closely together, but I guess I still have a lot to learn around here.

One of the monkeys, whose name was Peso, was particularly charming. He didn’t really speak English well, but then again, I always was a sucker an accent!

Peso invited me to a nearby brewery for dinner the next evening. I’d never been to a brewery before, but the kids around here seem to think they’re all the rage. We went to Mickey Finn’s Brewery and I was completely overwhelmed by how many beers there were!

You see, I’ve never been a big drinker. My momma always said that nonsense was for the menfolk. But when in Rome…

My favorite beer was the Pineapple Express. Pineapple beer! Who knew such existed?!

Peso described the beer as hoppy, with citris and floral overtones. Apparently, this monkey knows his beer. I just thought it was yummy! Peso didn’t tell me it was a 10% alcohol beer! Apparently, that’s a lot! I felt really dizzy. It was a weird feeling.

Have I ever been drunk before? Oh goodness no! Surely, this isn’t what “drunk” feels like is it? There’s a lot of hype about “drunk”. I always figured there was more to it.

Both Boris and Peso were very nice boys and they treated me like a lady. If either of them should call again, I will likely welcome a second date.

Your sweet lil’ ole’ granny type,
Lurleen Lumpkin Sitting on a Pumpkin, The Gnome

PS – I’m trying to book a show so I can play my songs for all of you. Does anyone know of a good venue?

Gnomes and Inclement Weather: Rain/Fog Edition

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Like the United States Postal Service, gnomes must endure snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night. Regardless of the weather conditions, gnomes stand post at their designated locations in gardens, forests, and lawns around the world.

We become weathered from the rain and faded from the sun. We begin to lack the luster we once had in our youth. Our paint chips and peels off, while wildlife prospers with brilliant colors all around us….mocking us.

Zookwinkle gave us a great example of this in his recent post about a weathered, green-hatted gnome he met in Squamish, British Columbia.

City dwelling gnomes, like Boris Periwinkle (pictured below) endure different implications of bad weather….TRAFFIC. As you can see, Boris is struggling to drive his gnomemobile to the grocery store in a torrential downpour.

Just when he thought he would be able to make the unprotected left turn at the green light, an asshole cabbie cut him off. The nerve! Driving in rain really wears on a gnome’s soul over time.

Fog presents even more difficulty for gnomes. It’s a well known fact that gnomes’ eyesight is less than spectacular. Fog makes it even harder than usual to find where we left our shoes or set down our beers. This is unnecessarily burdensome.

Shown here is Lil’ Dimwit struggling through a foggy day. Wait a second. Didn’t he just put on a rap show with a fog machine? I think this pic is from his concert last month. That was a good show. Okay never mind…scratch this. Moving on!

Back to Boris, who has particularly shit luck with weather. Shown here is a rare and terrifying phenomenon called a soap storm. While nearly unheard of in the human world, soap storms affect gnomish societies about three times a year.

The sky seems to open up and blasts of menacing soap comes squirts out from all directions. They are an unexplained occurrence and currently under investigation in the GMIFS (Gnomish Meteorological Institute of Freakish Storms).

Like humans, some gnomes are better prepared for storms than others. Pictured here is Tom Skilling Jr., who has appointed himself the meteorologist of The Gnome Abode. He never leaves home without his trusty umbrella and seeks out storms to make himself feel relevant on the evening news.

This pic was taken during Tom’s recent spelunking trip in Costa Rica.

In conclusion, we gnomes are a hearty bunch but we’re sensitive too. Stay tuned for my upcoming “Snow and Ice Edition” of GNOMES AND INCLEMENT WEATHER.

Bringing you doom and gloom in a most pleasant way,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

 

Beaten Up in Boystown

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It was a Friday night not unlike any other Friday night. My life partner, Fernando, and I got all dolled up for a night of bar hopping and debauchery.

We decided to hit  up a drag show at one of our favorite bars, Sidetrack. You see, Fernando and I met in the stripper cage at Sidetrack a couple weeks ago and it was the happiest day of my life!

To get the party started, we sipped a few cocktails before catching a cab to the bar.  I make a mean apple martini! As you can see, Fernie is a wee bit smaller than I am. I sometimes forget that he gets tipsy quicker than I do when we’re a few martinis under the wagon.

So anyway, we headed over to Boystown around ten-o-clock  and the cab dropped us off a block away from Sidetrack. As I was pulling a twenty out of my wallet, some douchebag came running across the street at a million miles an hour.

It all happened so fast. The first thing I remember was a flash or rage and passion. The douchebag ran smack into my darling Fernando and didn’t even say he was sorry. Fernando was lying on the ground, moaning in a painful drunken stupor.

The next thing I remember is my fist making contact with the douchebag’s eye. God that stung.

I thought I had him. I really thought I had him. I’m so freaking embarrassed about the whole ordeal. It’s hard for me to even talk about. But my therapist says I should be more open with the world. I’m working on it, okay? Okay?!

Fast forward to this morning… and here’s what I look like now.

I’m hideous. Absolutely hideous! I’m missing a foot, missing a hand, and I have no idea where the chunk in my back went to.

Fernando dragged me back into a cab and back to his place after that douchebag kicked the crap out of me. I just tried to defend his honor and this is how the universe pays me back. The details are fuzzy and I’m glad that they are. I have no idea how he even stands to look at me the way I am right now.

My poor hand is unattached from my arm. And my arm is unattached from my body. Yes, I’m typing this blog post with one hand. Yes, this is taking me a very long time.

I am hereby making a plea to all of you gnomes out there reading this. Actually, I have two please. If you have any information about a douchebag who was running across the street at the intersection of Belmont and Clark last night at approximately 10:25pm, please respond to me ASAP. Dude’s gotta pay and I will see him face smashed into a million pieces if it’s the last thing I do. 

My second plea is one for medical attention. The only doctor here at The Gnome Abode is Dr. A. Chu. He’s more of an internal medicine specialist. I need a master surgeon to put me back together again. I’ve heard of some baby monkey prodige who’s operated on gnomes in the past, but I’m not sure I trust him. If any of you gnomes out there know of other surgeons taking new patients, I’d really REALLY appreciate it if you put in a good word for me.

Your victim of an random act of gnome violence and bottomless pit of self pity,
Alfredo The Gnome