Monthly Archives: February 2013

NEW CONTEST! Guess What This Artistic Masterpiece Is!

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Correctly guess what my artistic masterpieces is, and you could be the lucky recipient of my next artistic masterpiece!

I’m an aspiring artist, but some gnomes say my work is pretty crappy. I tell them, if you want to see really crappy art you should check out Free Crappy Portraits because my stuff is WAY better than than anything in there.

But those gnomes don’t listen. Therefore, I’ve created a new contest! The first human or gnome to correctly guess what this mixed medium creation really is, WIN!

What do you win, you ask? My next work of art will be inspired by you, created in your true likeness, and sent to you as a gift! What could be better than that? Narcissist.

Without further ado, what is this?

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A. Turkey

B. Flamingo

C. Gnome

D. Hot chick

Best of luck to you all!

Smooches and slobbers,
Horace The Gnome

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mushy Valentines’ Day Smooches From Our Gnomes to Yours!

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My dearly beloved gnomes,

Whether you’re spending today making out with your honey buns or making out with a box of bon bons alone on the couch, just remember that we have all kinds of creepy, weird gnome love for you. Even if no one else does.

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Even if you tie our hands behind our backs…..or if you set us atop mushrooms…

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…or even if you’ve fallen in love with a non-gnome…

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We still love you.

Mushy gushy kisses and groping,
Roxy The Slutty Gnome

PS – don’t text me ’til after 9…I have a hot date. Hookup details to be dished in my next post 🙂

Gnomes Headed to Costa Rica!!!!!!!!!!!

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G’day mateys!

280px-ArenallongYour resident travel gnome, Zookwinkle, here. I am pleased to inform you that I ONCE AGAIN have been invited on a journey! But this isn’t just any journey….this is a tropical and magical journey of magnificent proportions!

San_JoseBelieve it or not, I am currently on a flight to Costa Rica! We gnomes recently figured out how to schedule advance blog posts. Aint’ we smart?

My first stop is San Jose, where I will wander around the city trying to speak Spanish and find someplace to sleep and something alcoholic to drink. From there, I plan to grab a bus (gnomes aren’t allowed to rent cars internationally) to the Arenal Volcano area and La Fortuna. My first zip lining adventure is just days away! I also expect to see a good amount of monkeys and potentially bring one back home.

beachWith my new adopted monkey, I will then board another bus to the western coastline for some much-needed beach time. Have you seen how pasty my skin is lately? Don’t worry, my SPF 180 is packed and ready for action!

I fully intend to soak in some hot springs, hike the through the jungles, and be drunk the entire way.

Zip 1If any of you Costa Rican gnomes are reading this, HOLA! Me llamo Zookwinkle! Let me stay-o in your house-o for free-o?

My sources tell me that the South American interweb connections are sketchy for traveling gnomes like me, but I’ll send updates as much as gnomishly possible!

Have fun freezing your asses off suckas! I’m bound for 95-degrees and sunshine!

Woot!
Zookwinkle the Travel Gnome

Gnoming Around the Corvette Museum

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You may not have been aware of this before, but I am The Gnome Abode’s resident car nut. I recently hitch hiked to the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky.

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WELCOME LETTER
Since 1953 the Corvette has been America’s Sports Car. The National Corvette Museum was established as a 501(c)3 not-for-profit foundation with a mission of celebrating the invention of the Corvette; preserving its past, present and future; and educating the public about Corvette.

Corvette enthusiasts from all over the world kindly and lovingly refer to the NCM as their home … Their Mecca.

We welcome you to our Corvette world on the Internet. Our website will give you some feeling of visiting the Museum, but just as exhibits and displays change within the Museum, you will continuously see enhancements to our website. We will strive to become the resource center that Corvette enthusiasts world-wide want and deserve. We invite you to visit and revisit our website often.

We especially invite you to visit us in person (in Bowling Green, KY) and experience first hand the passion and the excitement of America’s Sports Car, the Chevrolet Corvette.The GM Bowling Green Corvette Assembly Plant, the only place in the world where Corvettes are made, is located across the street from the National Corvette Musuem at I-65, exit 28.

Again, welcome to the National Corvette Museum website and thanks for the visit.

Wendell K. Strode
Executive Director

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Check out the pics I made strangers take of me with these badass cars! What I wouldn’t give to get my hands on one of these to bring back home…

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I always thought I’d look great in a red Vette.

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I’m also a sucker for retro models.Who wants to help me set up a fundraising campaign to get us gnomes our very own sports car? Who’s with me? Who? Anyone? C’mon gnomies!

Vrrrrooommmm,
Cowabunga “the wannabe race car driver” Gnome

Join Us TODAY For a Gnomish Spiritual Awakening!

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Listen up, my fellow gnomes. Your spiritual leader is speaking to you in an ominous voice.

Today is the day you’ve been waiting your whole lives for. A gnomish spiritual awakening is just around the corner and YOU are invited!

There are just a few things to keep in mind as you journey from a meaningless petty existence to a transcendent and enlightened state of peace and beauty…

  • church
  • All gnomes are welcome and accepted at the awakening. If you don’t like someone next to you, keep it to yourself because I don’t care.
  • This is not (I REPEAT, NOT) a spin off of any human religion. Those are dumb. This is the real deal.
  • No chewing gum during the awakening. It annoys me greatly.
  • When the Gnomish Lord and Savior tells you to drink a beer, drink a beer. No questions asked.

So alright! With those strict rules and regulations out of the way, let’s get this party started! Here’s the details:

  • WHO: You! That’s why you’re reading this. Dur dur dur.
  • WHAT: The very first gnomish spiritual awakening ceremony.
  • WHEN: Today at 3:00pm
  • WHERE: The Gnome Abode (newly redesigned) Temple. Google map it.
  • WHY: Because there is more to life than mindlessly going about your daily routines and you deserve to find purpose deep within your pointy hat.

I look forwarding to bringing you one step closer to a better version of you! See you at 3!

Your gnomish spiritual leader,
EvanGelical The Gnome