Perhaps you recall my recent love affair with the promised land of Canada. Along with my trusty monkey companion, Peso, I traveled to Vancouver and Squamish over in British Columbia. I’ve headed a little farther east this time and found myself in Toronto.
What a beautiful city this is! I spent all yesterday riding my little gnome bicycle around Toronto Island, which was a most magnificent park on the other side of a ferry ride.
Unbeknownst to me, my first pit stop happened to be a nude beach near Hanlan’s Point. I met a camel and a monkey…both were completely nude. I thought about shedding a few layers, but honestly I haven’t worked out in months and I’m terribly out of shape. Humans seemed to enjoy walking around in sandals and not much else though.
No one wants to see a gnome with rolls.
On my way back to the dorm-like cheap motel in Scarborough, I stopped at a Shoppers Drug Mart for ice cream. Although the tiny ice cream tubs were out of my daily budget, I did discover gnomes living here!
I rescued one particular gnome on a stick from captivity. He says his name is Scarborough McCown. He’s an ornithologist.
More (clothing optional) adventures to come!
Zookwinkle the traveling gnome
Happy Friday, gnomies!
I recently read a brilliant article about humans bathing in soothing hot springs. Since then, I’ve been searching for some hot springs in the world that are, well, more our size and style.
We’d surely drown in these human-sized springs, you see!
I heard Yellowstone was a good place to check out, but as Goldilocks once said….”That hot spring’s TOOOOO big.”
Then I traveled to the tiny town of Thermopolis, Wyoming because I saw a road sign for it and it sounded like a warm place to go.
Cue Goldilocks, “That hot springs is TOOOOO hot!”
I consulted a bathing expert to help me find a size and temperature that perfectly aligns with the gnomish nervous and skeletal system.
This quest led to my untimely demise. I use the word “demise” broadly, as you can clearly tell I’m not typing from the grave. But I am a step closer to it.
I dove into a bathtub upon the recommendation of Sir Soap-on-a-Rope and cracked my poor self into pieces. I am paralyzed and am now on a quest for a gnome-sized wheelchair.
I was once a travel gnome and now I am the voice of the gnomely disabled.
Updates about my new quest will be provided when I’m not crying too hard. Wow this post got really depressing really quick.
Bunnies and sunshine and world peace!
Sheldon the former travel gnome
I hope you’ve all been saying your Hail Gnomies and Our Pointy Hats every day….for your own sake. This is your gnomish spiritual leader speaking, so please have a seat and make yourself comfortable.
I’ve been getting wind of complaints about the lack of spiritual enlightenment sessions this past month. Lay off already, will ya? I’m working on my lesson plans. It’s not like the Gnomish Lord and Savior works around MY schedule, you know?
With that being screamed (er, said), I hereby announce that I am outsourcing.
Father Horton Hammered is a flask with a lot to share about the world of spirituality. I have recently made many appointments with Father Hammered and spent many hours drinking from his wisdom. Hence my temporary absence.
We have been working day and night to transcribe the ancient and sacred Book of Holy Hammered. It’s very complicated and I’m sure none of you gnomes would understand it. That’s why we’re helping you. You’re welcome.
We’re currently on page 3.
While we hammer out the rest of this trying, but worthwhile task, I will leave you with a few nuggets of wisdom….straight from the spout of Father Horton Hammered.
- The outdoors is always better than the indoors, unless it’s really cold out.
- Getting pissed off at your fellow gnomes is a dumb way to spend your days. Choose your battles wisely and protect your fragile limbs.
- When presented with a choice about good and evil, always choose the option that promises the most liquor.
May the peace of the spirit world be with you today and for a few hours tomorrow,
Rev. EvanGelical the Gnome
One of our best gnome scouts tipped us off about this 1969 British sitcom called The Gnomes of Dulwich.
Who out there in Internetville can help us acquire these episodes?!??!
I’d chat longer, but I’m freaking out over the prospect of watching this to type straight. Or that may be the vodka.
Either way. Tootaloo.
Heh…and you didn’t think gnomes were cool enough to have a Kindle.
Oh look! Downton Abbey’s on!
Gnomish literacy just got a little more high tech. Don’t worry, we’ll read something after we finish watching season 3.
The Quick Brown Fox, the gnome