After months of poking and prodding, I finally convinced Phillip and Kamikaze to to go a yoga class with me. I’ve been going by myself to a crowded corporate studio for the past few months and my 10-pass punch card recently expired there. I came across a Groupon for a new studio that opened up less than a mile away from the Gnome Abode called Tula Yoga Studio. I can’t help but notice that those guys have been packing on some pounds, so I thought some low key exercise would do them well.

The three of us squeezed into our tightest yoga pants and pulled our beards back with ponytail holders. I guess I forgot to mention to Phillip and Kamikaze that this was a 90-minute advanced Vinyasa class with a focus on headstands. They’d never even heard of the most basic of all positions, “gnome’s pose”. Whoops.

Our instructor, Diana started us off easy with some “downward facing gnome” poses and some “warrior gnome 2” stances. Surprisingly ,the guys seemed to be keeping up pretty well. I never thought they had any athletic ability whatsoever! Everything changed when Diana asked us to pull our mat up against the wall for headstand practice.

If you recall, I recently suffered a hardcore skull injury where my poor ceramic head nearly split in half (see prior blog post for reference). The thought falling on my newly-sewn back together noggin while trusting my stubby arms to hold my excess body weight up sounded like a truly awful idea.  My wrists were shaking at the mere thought of reopening back up that horrific head wound.

But against my better judgement, Diana helped each of us get up into headstand position.

As my arm strength quickly started to give out, I wavered and I felt a branch of a crystal leaf tickle the side of my cheek. I lost my balance and my inner peace in a split second that will haunt me for days and weeks to follow. My right wrist gave out and I went tumbling into a the peace candle positioned in front of my mat.

I thought I smelled something burning and before I could stop realize what was happening, Phillip screamed, “Oh my god Benjamin, your blue cap is in flames!” Diana ran out to the front desk to call 911 and within just a few minutes, the fire department was squirting us all down with hoses.

I supposed the second degree burns will heal in due time, but it will probably be awhile until I will have the confidence to go back to yoga class again. On the other hand, Phillip and Kamikaze have become totally obsessed with practicing yoga and already signed up for monthly passes at Tula. Good for them. Good for those freakishly flexible bastards and their unburned ceramic outer layer and their perfect red caps.

*sniff. sniff*

Why me. Why me? WHY ME?!

Benjamin The Gnome

As the resident jock of this gnome gang, I’m sending this friendly reminder to you all to make your March Madness bracket picks this morning. What? You think just because we’re gnomes we don’t follow college basketball?! Bitch, please.

Okay fine, so this IS the first year that we’re doing a gnome bracket tournament, but I hope this will be the first of many new gambling opportunities in the future. Gamble more! Work less! Gamble more! Work less!

Now that we have a laptop set up in the backyard, I came across an article about these wacky bracket obsessions that have spread across corporate America, decreasing workplace productivity by people that don’t even give a shit about sports. See I told you so: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/03/11/march-madness-a-march-to-lower-work-productivity/

Unfortunately, that’s the only article I read about these brackets. I didn’t read any articles on how to actually construct a bracket. I figured constructing a bracket meant doing some sort of woodworking project so I pulled out my toolbox and started sawing. As I’ve said before, I’m the resident jock, NOT the resident woodworker. It was only a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

I’m typing to you all today with one hand because my other little gnome hand looks like this! Ow freaking ow! Fortunately, Jerry was shoveling nearby when the saw took on its own agenda and he ran over to rescue me from those evil saw teeth. Thinking quickly, he found some tighty whities next to the back dumpster to wrap around my bleeding hand. I didn’t even have to make a trip to the ER this time! Jerry can be so resourceful. And I’m actually getting kinda used to the stench of these dirty underwear on my hand.

While explaining to Jerry the string of events that led up to this horrific incident, he started laughing hysterically. WTF, Jerry?! Apparently, making a bracket doesn’t involve woodworking at all! You just click names of basketball teams on a computer! Well that would have been nice to know a couple hours ago!

Jerry took the time to show me what a March Madness bracket ACTUALLY looked like and how to fill it in. I feel like I’m totally losing credibility as the resident jock now, but at least I have another injury story. Everyone loves a good injury story over a beer or seven.

So here’s what my bracket looks like. I’m pretty confident that I’m going to kick every other gnome’s ass in this game.  But I need some competitors to talk shit to and help decrease my productivity. So go fill out your brackets now, but don’t try to build one. I learned my lesson the hard way so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Bleeding on the keyboard but I don’t have any diseases so it’s okay,

Benjamin The Gnome