About Benjamin

I like to think I’m the jock of the gnome group, but lately I think the universe is telling to slow down. I played middle linebacker in the GFL (Gnome Football League) for six years and won the Badminton Olympic Championship in 1962.

Lately, it seems that my ceramic bones just aren’t what they’re cracked up to be. (No pun intended) (Ok maybe just a little pun). Anyway, the other gnomes have been teasing me about being so accident prone so I thought I would contribute some of my best injury stories here from time to time. Everyone loves a good laugh at someone else’s expense, right?!

Instead of winning the Heisman Trophy, these days I’m winning bets on who’s gonna end up in the ER the most times per week. I welcome sympathy cards, flowers, and crossword puzzles. Much obliged.

Introducing Gnomes to Paintball


Today I ventured out of my comfort zone in The Gnome Abode and traveled to a magical land called Newark, Illinois. Instead of carrying out normal, civilized days like we gnomes generally do, they buy bags of these strange things called Paintballs.


Newark, Illinois residents then put these balls of paint inside of guns and shoot each other. Brilliant!

They tend to shoot each other in areas of strange terrain with stacked blue barrels and structures made of wood. They just shoot at each other over and over and over. For no reason at all!

I decided right then and there that The Gnome Abode needs one of these Newark-style fields. And we all need guns!

I called an emergency meeting as soon as I got back today. I explained and pleaded to my fellow gnomes about the need for a paintball field and my plan to build one.

My pitch was not immediately embraced, as gnomes are inherently peaceful creatures. Only one guy  was quick to pick up a gun and join me. Every revolution has to start somewhere. Practicing on the paintball will even help us learn to defend ourselves in case of future troll attacks.

My gun is camouflage to help me be just a bit more sneaky on the paintball field. I’ve picked out a plot of land for my new best buddy and I to take over and renovate for maximum shooting entertainment. Instead of those silly blue barrels, I plan to install huge concrete gnomes to serve as shields to hide behind while pummeling opponents.

Stay tuned for our grand opening in the upcoming months. And if the other gnomes don’t like it, well we have guns… so whatever.

Shoot on!
Benjamin The Gnome

As Halloween Approaches, More Gnombie Hunters Hired


Halloween is almost a week away, and you know what that means……threats of more Gnombie attacks!

Gnombies like this one,

And this one,

Are popping up all over the Gnome Abode in recent days.

Therefore a new chick gnombie hunter has been hired and she’s SUPER HOT!

Hellooooooo lil’ Latin lover, if I do say so myself!

And she’s a family gal too! Check out her adorable baby girl.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget to check out her tits.

So on behalf of the residents of The Gnome Abode, I’d like to extend a warm welcome our new hunter and her shiny zombie killing gun. We’re putting our faith in you to get us through the next week with minimal blood splatter.

Hold on tight to your brains,
Benjamin, The Gnome

Chicago Cubs Gnome Sighting, Courtesy of New Gnome Scout, Titi!


Yet another gnome sighting captured by our newest Gnome Scout, Titi!

This sporty lil’ dude appears to be a Chicago Cubs fan. I’m more of a football gnome myself so I can’t really offer much of an opinion about anything baseball related whatsoever. But I will anyway. From what I’ve heard through the chain link fences, this packaged chubb-ster could probably teach that team a thing or eight about how to win a freaking game.

Yeah! Bring on the hate mail! Bring it!

Even though baseball kinda sucks in general, I decided to do some research. You will never believe what I’ve discovered. There are a TON of gnomes that play baseball! Check out this site I found which scopes out gnomes for player trades and team swaps:


I had no idea that gnomes were into baseball at all! And that they let chick gnomes play baseball! Chicks!? Who knew?!

My attention span is dwindling with all this SNOOZEball talk. So yeah, we hired this new Gnome Scout, Titi, this week! Titi is a little bit different than any of other Gnome Scouts that we’ve hired. You see, Titi is a CAT!

It is well known that gnomes and cats generally don’t get along at all. However, Titi presented us with an exquisite resume, impressive references, and a case of vintage wine. The wine is pretty freaking good so we made an exception.

(Sidebar: I can’t stop stroking her fuzzy fur. Is that inappropriate for a new hire? I mean, she’s not exactly objecting. And she tells me she is of legal cat age.)

We gnomes tend to get stuck in our old seventeenth century ways, but we are slowly becoming more open minded and welcoming to other species. As long as they don’t fuck us over.

This means you, Titi.

<3 Benjamin The Gnome <3

Gnomamaste: The Gnomes Go To Yoga Class

After months of poking and prodding, I finally convinced Phillip and Kamikaze to to go a yoga class with me. I’ve been going by myself to a crowded corporate studio for the past few months and my 10-pass punch card recently expired there. I came across a Groupon for a new studio that opened up less than a mile away from the Gnome Abode called Tula Yoga Studio. I can’t help but notice that those guys have been packing on some pounds, so I thought some low key exercise would do them well.

The three of us squeezed into our tightest yoga pants and pulled our beards back with ponytail holders. I guess I forgot to mention to Phillip and Kamikaze that this was a 90-minute advanced Vinyasa class with a focus on headstands. They’d never even heard of the most basic of all positions, “gnome’s pose”. Whoops.

Our instructor, Diana started us off easy with some “downward facing gnome” poses and some “warrior gnome 2” stances. Surprisingly ,the guys seemed to be keeping up pretty well. I never thought they had any athletic ability whatsoever! Everything changed when Diana asked us to pull our mat up against the wall for headstand practice.

If you recall, I recently suffered a hardcore skull injury where my poor ceramic head nearly split in half (see prior blog post for reference). The thought falling on my newly-sewn back together noggin while trusting my stubby arms to hold my excess body weight up sounded like a truly awful idea.  My wrists were shaking at the mere thought of reopening back up that horrific head wound.

But against my better judgement, Diana helped each of us get up into headstand position.

As my arm strength quickly started to give out, I wavered and I felt a branch of a crystal leaf tickle the side of my cheek. I lost my balance and my inner peace in a split second that will haunt me for days and weeks to follow. My right wrist gave out and I went tumbling into a the peace candle positioned in front of my mat.

I thought I smelled something burning and before I could stop realize what was happening, Phillip screamed, “Oh my god Benjamin, your blue cap is in flames!” Diana ran out to the front desk to call 911 and within just a few minutes, the fire department was squirting us all down with hoses.

I supposed the second degree burns will heal in due time, but it will probably be awhile until I will have the confidence to go back to yoga class again. On the other hand, Phillip and Kamikaze have become totally obsessed with practicing yoga and already signed up for monthly passes at Tula. Good for them. Good for those freakishly flexible bastards and their unburned ceramic outer layer and their perfect red caps.

*sniff. sniff*

Why me. Why me? WHY ME?!

Benjamin The Gnome

How Gnomes Build March Madness Brackets

As the resident jock of this gnome gang, I’m sending this friendly reminder to you all to make your March Madness bracket picks this morning. What? You think just because we’re gnomes we don’t follow college basketball?! Bitch, please.

Okay fine, so this IS the first year that we’re doing a gnome bracket tournament, but I hope this will be the first of many new gambling opportunities in the future. Gamble more! Work less! Gamble more! Work less!

Now that we have a laptop set up in the backyard, I came across an article about these wacky bracket obsessions that have spread across corporate America, decreasing workplace productivity by people that don’t even give a shit about sports. See I told you so: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/03/11/march-madness-a-march-to-lower-work-productivity/

Unfortunately, that’s the only article I read about these brackets. I didn’t read any articles on how to actually construct a bracket. I figured constructing a bracket meant doing some sort of woodworking project so I pulled out my toolbox and started sawing. As I’ve said before, I’m the resident jock, NOT the resident woodworker. It was only a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

I’m typing to you all today with one hand because my other little gnome hand looks like this! Ow freaking ow! Fortunately, Jerry was shoveling nearby when the saw took on its own agenda and he ran over to rescue me from those evil saw teeth. Thinking quickly, he found some tighty whities next to the back dumpster to wrap around my bleeding hand. I didn’t even have to make a trip to the ER this time! Jerry can be so resourceful. And I’m actually getting kinda used to the stench of these dirty underwear on my hand.

While explaining to Jerry the string of events that led up to this horrific incident, he started laughing hysterically. WTF, Jerry?! Apparently, making a bracket doesn’t involve woodworking at all! You just click names of basketball teams on a computer! Well that would have been nice to know a couple hours ago!

Jerry took the time to show me what a March Madness bracket ACTUALLY looked like and how to fill it in. I feel like I’m totally losing credibility as the resident jock now, but at least I have another injury story. Everyone loves a good injury story over a beer or seven.

So here’s what my bracket looks like. I’m pretty confident that I’m going to kick every other gnome’s ass in this game.  But I need some competitors to talk shit to and help decrease my productivity. So go fill out your brackets now, but don’t try to build one. I learned my lesson the hard way so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Bleeding on the keyboard but I don’t have any diseases so it’s okay,

Benjamin The Gnome