About Humps

Occupation: Sugar Daddy.

Momma called me Hubert H. Humperdinker.

You can call me Humps.

Cuz that’s what I do.


Ex-cop and bailiff accused of breaking neighbor’s window with garden gnome

*Shared from the Sun Sentinel because well, we just had to…

By Barbara HijekFloriDUH7:20 a.m. EDT, July 8, 2013


This 71-year-old retired bailiff and former New York cop should’ve gnome better.

Robert Willmarth, 71, of Jensen Beach, is accused of hurling a cement gnome statue through a neighbor’s window and is also a suspected of setting fires to homes and cars in his own neighborhood, reports The Palm Beach Post.

After detectived showed Willmarth a surveillance video of him throwing the garden gnome into a window of his neighbor’s home while they were away on vacation, he allegedly told them he did it because the neighbor had “just busted my chops the other day,” according to the report.

It sounds like he needed some chop busting.

It’s also not the first time somebody used a garden gnome to committ a crime –  Woman accused of striking man with garden ornament.

People, people…please! Just use a rock and leave us out of it!!!

Signing off,
Humps the Gnome

A Game of Gnomes?

This gnome is getting around. His name is Gnorman and I hate him because he’s going way cooler places than I probably ever will.


This random British couple (British, of course) went to Egypt on vacation and left his poor sap behind. The neighbors rescued him from captivity and have taken him everywhere from Buckingham Palace to airplanes to Clacton Pier (wherever the hell that is). Apparently, he gets his old holiday now.

This random couple didn’t notice that Gnorman had even disappeared ’til they found him on Facebook. Leave it to Facebook to spill the beans.


The resident added: “He wants to carry on with his antics so he’s told them he’ll come home if he can still have his independence, which they have promised.”

Let me just add that Gnomeplaya, our master and goddess of all gnomekind has gone out gallavanting in the Northeast. They have left almost all of us gnomes behind. Except Zookwinkle…hey Zooks, hope you’re having fun!

So where are OUR neighbors? Why has no one rescued US! Hey psychic “business” downstairs! Hey mediocre pizza place across the street! I’m talking to you!

Get me outta here!

Pleading with you,
Humps the Gnome

Gnome Rebels Surround Cop in Australia


Gnomes are infiltrating Australia once again!

According to The Flinders newspaper, a group of gnomes were recently discovered surrounding the “silent cop” in the middle of the main intersection in the town of Gladstone. Ballsy.

gnomeaustraliasignGnomes have been threatening local officials so much that they’ve agreed to give the country fair a “gnome theme.”

Australian gnomes have also been spotted behind bars at the local post office. Apparently, going to the post office in Australia is even worse than it is in the States. At least we don’t get imprisoned for wanting to mail letters here.

Well that’s your ’round-the-world update, folks. If any of your Aussie gnomes out there care to explain your recent rowdy behavior, we’d love to hear it. No judgement…promise! Just looking for some ideas to start our own revolution in the mountain states…

Your truly,
Humps the Gnome

Photo credit: The Library Faerie

Check Out “Gnome of the Month Club!”


What an enjoyable little blog we came across today! Check out Gnome of the Month Club for lots of fun travel and gardening info.

There’s even a section called “Gnome Daddy.” So when someone asks “Who’s yo’ daddy?” now we have an answer. Finally!

It seems these gnomes recently went to Fiji. Lucky bastards! GAH!

Okay enough internet stalking….back to my Bailey’s and binoculars.

Yours in creepiness,

Humps the Gnome

Twenty Things Gnomes Are Thankful For!

  1. Beer
  2. Liquor
  3. Having our own blog
  4. Gnome artists and craft makers
  5. The International Gnome Club Newsletter
  6. Pointy hat storage containers
  7. Our own passports
  8. Breweries
  9. Our faithful gnome scouts
  10. Epoxy and super glue to fix us when we are injured
  11. Beard combs
  12. Step stools
  13. Monkey companions
  14. Joining outdoor adventures
  15. Rock concerts
  16. Wine
  17. Hand lotion
  18. Eggplant
  19. Facebook stalkers
  20. Beer