About SpeakNoGnome

Gnomes Behind Bars: Hard time for hard crimes

Posted on October 13, 2012 by SpeakNoGnome

Most of us gnomes at The Abode spend our time in bars. You know, the ones with rows and rows of liquor bottles, endless shots, and if you’re lucky….a pool table. The fun kind!

Other gnomes aren’t quite so fortunate. They spend their lives BEHIND bars instead of INSIDE THEM. Sucks to be them, right?!

It’s a little known fact that gnomish society has a prison in each providence. The nearest prison to The Gnome Abode is located at the corner of North Avenue and Oakley Avenue. While passing by today to get my shoes shined at the local cobbler shop, I had to pass by the local prison.

Check out this poor sap. Pushing a wheelbarrow. Surrounded by weeds and ceramic sculptures. And behind bars.

I don’t know what this bastard did to deserve such a punishment, but it must have been something horrendous. Gnomes fairly uphold the truth and the law in all circumstances. Except when we’re drunk, of course.

Stay out of trouble this weekend, kiddos.

Sincerely,
SpeakNoGnome The Gnome

Gnomes v. Trolls: A Not-So-Epic Battle In The Countryside

Posted on August 22, 2012 by SpeakNoGnome

If you know anything about us at all, you know we hate trolls and trolls hate us. Although no one is really sure why, this hatred has been brewing since the beginning of time. Or at least since 1977 when Wil Huygen wrote the cleverly titled book, Gnomes.

The hate raged on throughout the 1980’s. For blatant examples, check out David The Gnome.

According to David, trolls are “malevolent and clumsy creatures who always make trouble for the other inhabitants of the forest, as well as gnome poachers.”

Last weekend, I went out for a stroll in the countryside with a few of my distant cousins. Little did we know, but we had stumbled upon troll territory.

Living at The Abode, I’d never seen such creatures! I’d only read about them in books and seen them on TV! But they exist! And they are wretched indeed.

They stared at us, with their wacky ass hair. Blue? Teal? Magenta? WTF.

My cousins and I stared back, holding our ground. They’re pretty beefy. I wasn’t scared.

They kept staring at us with those beady little eyes. I’d had enough. “Stop staring already!” I yelled. “Do something!”

Hence began the attack. One particularly creepy one started crawling up dear cousin, Shebangbang. I ran to his aid and pushed it off with my foot. The creepy troll just kind of gurgled and crawled away.

“Really? Really! That’s all you got?” I screamed with my fists of fury pumping in the air.

No response from the trolls.

“Eh.” Shebangbang shrugged, took a puff of his pipe, and grabbed my shoulder to push me back onto the hiking path.

So I guess that was that. An epic battle? Perhaps not. However, I highly doubt that this will be my last encounter with the trolls. Let this serve as a reminder to all of you gnomes reading this: keep your eyes open and your fists pumping because you never know when neon hair will appear in unexpected places.

Death to trolls (because they seem kinda lame),

~Speak No Gnome, GPD Depuy Sheriff~

Gnomeland’s Most Wanted: Rubber Duckies In Disguise

Posted on August 21, 2012 by SpeakNoGnome

You humans seem to think that rubber duckies are all fun and games. I’m here to inform you all that you are wrong. Dead wrong. They are dangerous, they are criminals, and they all need to be deflated with a sharp pin…one by one.

Young humans seem to enjoy them. (Naïve little freak shows.)

Old ass humans seem to think they’re pretty swell as well. (Put on a freaking shirt!)

Ernie, of the dynamic Bert & Ernie Duo, sings a whole song about them and I’m pretty sure he’s not even a human OR an animal! It’s Rubber Duckie You’re The One if you dare expose yourself to this unprecedented evil.

It’s a little known fact that gnomes and rubber ducks have never seen eye to eye. This goes beyond the obvious fact that they are short and we are awesome.

However, I never thought I’d see the day when The Gnome Abode became plagued by gang activity. But here we are, suddenly scared to come out of our mushroom homes because of the flash mobs and petty theft all of the sudden. There’s only one group of terrorist to blame….the rubber duckies.

I first encountered the Rubber Duckie gang over the weekend. There were four of them and only two of us. Richard Simmons Jr. is kind of a pansy, so it was more like one and a half.

I couldn’t believe what I saw….I was speechless! These gang members were dressed up LIKE GNOMES! Did those sneaky ass bastards really thought they were going fool us by infiltrating our gnomish society? Really? REALLY?! Ha! You have underestimated the power of the gnomes, my dear ducklings.

I had lunch with the monkeys today and they reported an infiltration in their neighborhood as well. We all gotta stick together and fight for justice. Gnomes and monkeys (who’s that pig?) shall stand as one!

These four shifty critters are now on the top of Gnomeland’s Most Wanted list. Here are their mug shots so you can properly identify them when they invade your house to splash shampoo in your eye or fart in your bathwater.